Dear Irwin Zucker,
I have your plea for funds although it wasn’t clear if you wanted cash,
Euros, British Pounds or Chinese Yen for your dear sick aunt requiring surgery
who is on the brink of death while the greedy Portugal doctor stands by with
hands out waiting for ransom money from you in the amount of $1,450.00
forthwith in order to begin the process of cutting into your dear sick aunt and
perhaps leaving a sponge inside her carcass which I hope to God he or she does
not do and that the doctors have all washed their hands properly and will wear
rubber gloves without holes oh for Gods sake please no holes because your dear
sick aunt is not a doughnut and she already has enough holes in her precious
body to last a life time and they must be protected at all costs as I search my
checking and saving account for enough money to allow the medical work to
proceed and I know IZ you are in the shitting room crying your eyes out as you
wring your hands hopelessly waiting for money money and more money save your
dear aunt who is probably heavily sedated or maybe even asleep with ether to
allow her to dream of flowers, rainbows and good honest fearless people with
money to pay the doctor who I assume is still waiting around for the loot so he
can began cutting into your dear sick aunt who must survive this ordeal or face
certain death and if that happens I will come to Portugal on the next plane and
will personally strangle the doctor who allowed this terrible deed to happen
to your dear sick aunt and then IZ
you will be safe to come home again but first we will find a good barrister and
sue the crap out of the greedy doctor who could have prevented evil to your
dear sick aunt and I pray to God you do not go all to pieces when you get this
letter I am sending to you swiftly by email and ever so slowly by snail mail oh
damn the post office for being so slow with my mail when I wrote my own dear sick aunt who was trapped on
an escalator with one arm between steps when someone pressed the emergency
button and she reached down to hoist her panty hose that dropped when she was
dragged down to the stairs that stopped moving at the mall and I don’t want to
continue with this terrible affair because it will only make you sadder than
you must already be and so I will sign off for now and wish you the best of
good health and welfare IZ because you are my favorite relative if I remember
from when we went to the polo matches in London and you got kicked in the ass
by a horse and then you both took a dump on the playing field in front of a thousand
people watching and many also took dumps in the stands that made a terrible
mess and caused so much weight that the stand fell down along with a lot of
people and there were 100 who went to hospital.
Cheers,
Harry Dimwit
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