The SNL Comedy Sketch That Was Killed By
Censors
(HEAR
YE SNOPES: the source of this information must remain anonymous, for obvious
reasons)
DONALD TRUMP’’S PRESS CONFERENCE
(A SCENE INSIDE TRUMP TOWER
MAIL ROOM. MIDDLE AGE MAN WEARING PORKPIE HAT READING ‘MAKE AMERICA GREAT’ IS
SPEAKING TO TEN
LATIN-AMERICAN MEN AND WOMEN). HE IS DRESSED IN BUSINESS SUIT AND BURNOOSE.,
COVERED WITH ICONS: AT&T IBM SUNOCO IGA PENSKE
IKEA UPS UCLA)
JOSE: All right. Listen up.
You’re all going over to the HILTON for Mr. Grump’s press conference. There
will be several hundred reporters. So we need loyal supporters. That means all
of you. So wear your Green Cards proudly.
PEDRO: I lose me card while
scrubbing toilet on 37th floor…
JOSE: Don’t worry Pedro.
I’ll have Helen print another one.
Don’t forget to change your
overalls for a suit and tie…
PEDRO: But my suit no match.
I have only blue jacket and brown pants in locker. No tie.
(jOSE TAKES OFF HIS TIE AND
THROWS IT TO PEDRO, WHO STRUGGLES TO PUT IT ON. HECTOR NEARBY HELPS HIM.)
JOSE: Remember to smile, applaud and shout
loudly: “TRUMP! TRUMP! TRUMP!” And be sure to wave those American flags. Are there any
questions because we leave for the HILTON in ten minutes. Yes Pedro.
PEDRO: Is there toilet at HILTON? I have Green
Apple Quickstep.
JOSE: Take your dump here.
(PEDRO RUSHES OUT OF ROOM)
MARIA: (WEARING BATHING
SUIT) I have no dress. Is this O.K.?
JOSE: (THROWING HER A
BURKA). Put this on and hide your face. I’ll let you know when to take it off.
You were a high jumper in Mexican Olympics. So jump up and down during
applause.
HECTOR: When we get paid?
JOSE: I have $100 for each
after work tomorrow. Those of you who shout and clap loudest will get $50 more.
Are you all ready to help elect your boss the next President of the United
States?
(EVERYONE IN UNISON SHOUTS
AND APPLAUDS AND FALLS OVER ONE ANOTHER THEY RUN OUT THE DOOR . MUSIC: “STARS AND STRIPES” PLAYS. FADE
OUT.
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