WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP AND DICTATOR GOODLUCK JONATHAN?

      For starters, neither one had any experience in politics. Trump never even ran for Dog Catcher. Goodluck Jonathan, former Dictator of Nigeria, couldn't afford shoes as a boy, his father made canoes by hand and Goodluck was a good talker. He had no high goals to achieve in life, he held menial jobs and he was a patsy for his country's leadership, similar to that of the janitor in Robert Downey's classic cult movie, "Putney Swope."
     As a ruthless Dictator, Goodluck ruled Nigeria's injustice system with Kangeroo Courts, used torture in all his prisons and both lied and robbed with impunity. He refused to reveal his net worth (estimated to be well over 100 million) and told his Tax Department to "go to hell" when they asked Goodluck for his Thievery Report.
     So where was I? Oh yes, comparing Trump to Goodluck Jonathan. There is no comparison except they are both deadly choices for becoming a Commander In Chief of a country. If American voters don't come to their senses by November 8, 2016, and allow former Secretary of State Hillery Clinton to be our next President, we are all doomed.
     With former President Bill Clinton back in the White House, President Hillery Clinton will have at her side, his eight years of wisdom dealing with and solving major problems of state and world concern.  That fact should be comforting for American citizens.
     On the other hand, Commander-in-Chief Trump would be nuking North Korea, inviting leaders of Boko Haram to the White House and declaring Martial Law in America. We would all be miserable, develop Hives and swallow lots of Prozac. Maybe even move to Canada.
     Is there hope? It all depends on the next three months before the voters can reflect good or bad sense. Stay tuned. The months will fly by quickly. Then, if we wake up to another CHICAGO TRIBUNE headline: 'TRUMP WINS!" Let's hope it will be as false as when Thomas Dewey thought he had won over the former haberdasher, Harry S. Truman.

50% Of Everything!

     Everything is 50% of what it was in the 60's. Gasoline, Pepsi, sandwich meat, medical costs, even candy! I just examined a Hershey's Kiss and it was half as big as it was more than four decades ago. How cheap can the Hershey Company be? I ripped off the silver paper (fake of course) and swallowed the sucker in one gulp. It tasted half as good as the ones I devoured as a youngster.
     So it's boo-hoo on Hershey and all the millions of companies worldwide that are cheating on the products sizes and tastes. Their Research and Development teams are no better than the slaves who rowed boats to the beat of a drum in 200 B.C. They all cheated with blatancy, feathered their 401 accounts and laughed all the way to the bank.
     The public nowadays is like pigeons on a hot tin roof. They just waste away their lives and take whatever comes along. Angry letters to product manufacturers are answered by a robot who signs the CEO's name and apologizes for any malfeasance. There might be a coupon in the envelope for a dollar off on the next purchase. Haw haw. You know where they can stick that coupon!
     I think it's time we are all mad as hell and refuse to take it any longer. Perhaps a march on Washington Thanksgiving Day. Would Donald Trump make a difference? Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and throw up.

DONALD GRUMP'S PROPOSED CABINET

SECRETARY OF TREASURY.....Bernie Madoff

ATTORNEY GENERAL....Eliot Spitzer

SECRETARY OF HUD...Charles Manson

SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE....Martha Stewart

SECRETARY OF ARMY....Governor Christi

SECRETARY OF INTERIOR....Pee Wee Herman

SECRETARY OF STATE....Sarah Palin

SECRETARY OF NAVY....Marla Maples

AMBASSADOR TO NORTH KOREA....Dennis Rodman

CHAIRMAN OF FCC.....Roger Ailes

COMMANDANT OF WEST POINT....O.J. Simpson

COMMANDANT OF ANNAPOLIS....Serena Williams

SURGEON GENERAL....Bernie Sanders

PRESIDENT OF USO....Woody Allen

SECRETARY OF FASHION....Natalie Trump

DONALD TRUMP'S TEN COMMANDMENTS (IF ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE USA)

           DONALD TRUMP’S TEN COMMANDMENTS

                                         (If elected President of the USA)

1.    Americans  between ages of 18 and 38 must serve a year in the Draft .

2.     STAND YOUR GROUND will be a mandate for guns, knives or swords.

3.    Human body parts can be sold, i.e. lung, liver, kidney and bone marrow.

4.    All Bibles in hotels and motels will be replaced by “Think Big Kick Ass.”

5.    The gold in Ft. Knox is to be removed for bituminous coal.

6.    All incarcerated are released and given 7 days for adoption or else.

7.    Poor families and homeless will occupy empty prison cells.

8.    Income Taxes are to be based on the weight of citizens @ $5 a pound.

9.    Motorists cited for road rage are to have their cars forfeited.

10. Caucasians will wear white cloth, African black and Latinos tan.

Did Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani Become Radicalized And Lose His Marbles?

     On the night of July 19, 2015 former Mayor Rudy Giuliani spoke wildly about support for RNC candidate for President of the United States, Donald Trump. Rudy's rhetoric in the Cleveland Quicken arena before 50,000 delegates, and millions watching on TV, resembled that of an express train driven by Lebron James with 100 loaded box cars traveling at 150 mph. His speech was a rant to riot!!!
     As delegates peed in their pants or choked on tainted ten-dollar hotdogs (they have all been recalled nationally), deranged Rudy continued raving and his remarks were as nutty as a fruit cake made by Martha Stewart while incarcerated.
     I wonder why this former Mayor of New York City, so gallant following the bizarre attack on the Twin Towers, could behave arrogantly and irresponsibly. Not even Donald Trump applauded this cockamamie pitch to voters.  The whole world would require Prozac immediately.
     Perhaps Rudy Giuliani should lose his law degree, even though he  took the Oath of Hypocrisy. His support speech for Donald Trump is bound to be interpreted by historians as a chapter from Adolph Hitler's playbook, "Mein Kampf."
     Why oh why Rudy? Didn't you learn anything from the former Governor of New York State, Eliot Spitzer, who paid thousands for expensive whores? Or former Vice-President Spiro Agnew who accepted weekly cash bribes right in his White House office? They both deep- sixed their careers and disappointed their wives and children. Newscaster David Muir expressed disbelief when he interviewed people  outside the convention arena.
     Rudolph Giuliani is doomed in politics. He displayed a forked tongue. It's curtains for him. He wouldn't win if he ran for dog catcher. Too bad he blew it all for dangerous Donald Trump.

Why was Jackie Gleason so greedy, vain and crooked?

     That's my opinion. Back in the early 50's the ad agencies dictated the content to TV. My friend, David Pollard, an executive with Young & Rubicam Advertising, used to let me tag along as he monitored Jackie Gleason's behavior on the Dumont TV Network. We stood in the wings...the show was live...and Jackie was a solo comic who changed costumes a dozen times during the one-hour show, along the lines of Benny Hill from the UK.
     When "The Honeymooners" emerged on the CBS-TV network it was an instant success with off-the-wall Neilsen rating on Saturday night. Jackie's sidekick, Art Carney was brilliant. I knew a secretary with COLUMBIA RECORDS who told me they were seeking a novelty song for Carney. Could I come up with something for Christmas release three months away?
     I took the bait and two days later delivered a draft to Connie, "Santa And The Doodle-li-Boop."
This was a kind of rap story, with underlying music, that was a letter to Santa Claus asking him for a "Doodle-li-Boop." Santa looks everywhere around the North Pole and all through his workshop. But he couldn't find a "Doodle-li-Boop" anywhere.
     It was close to Midnight on Christmas Eve when Mrs. Claus told Santa to look in their basement closet. Sure enough there were a hundred "Doodle-li-Boops" and they all tumbled out. He grabbed one, ran outside to his sleigh and took off to deliver toys all over the world. The little boy would receive his "Doodle-li-boop" under his Christmas tree.
     Art Carney loved the rendition I wrote and recorded it in one take. COLUMBIA RECORDS rushed out the recording and DJs played the recording around the clock. Sales were tremendous and since it was essentially a children's recording, BILLBOARD never tracked the sales. But I was receiving thousands of dollars through my licensing association with Broadcast Music, Inc.
     Jackie Gleason's manager, Bullets Durgom, called me a few weeks before Christmas and offered a deal. Gleason would permit Art Carney to perform "Santa And The Doodle-li-Boop" on "The Honeymooners," a top rated television program in the 50's, if he (Jackie Gleason) could be listed as the co-writer with me. Then we would be sharing 50-50 on record sales and ancillary products, such as toys.
     I gave it some thought and turned down the offer. My sense of morality was at stake. Nevertheless, I earned about $25,000 in royalties, instead of the estimated $250,000 if Carney had plugged the recording on "The Honeymooners." Oh well, money isn't everything in life, is it?

The SNL Sketch That Was Killed By Censors!

The  SNL Comedy Sketch That Was Killed By Censors

(HEAR YE SNOPES: the source of this information must remain anonymous, for obvious reasons)

                                                                                   

                                    DONALD TRUMP’’S  PRESS CONFERENCE

(A SCENE INSIDE TRUMP TOWER MAIL ROOM. MIDDLE AGE MAN WEARING PORKPIE HAT READING ‘MAKE AMERICA GREAT’ IS

SPEAKING TO TEN LATIN-AMERICAN MEN AND WOMEN). HE IS DRESSED IN BUSINESS SUIT AND BURNOOSE., COVERED  WITH ICONS:  AT&T  IBM  SUNOCO  IGA  PENSKE   IKEA   UPS  UCLA)

JOSE: All right. Listen up. You’re all going over to the HILTON for Mr. Grump’s press conference. There will be several hundred reporters. So we need loyal supporters. That means all of you. So wear your Green Cards proudly.

PEDRO: I lose me card while scrubbing toilet on 37^th floor…

JOSE: Don’t worry Pedro. I’ll have Helen print another one.

Don’t forget to change your overalls for a suit and tie…

PEDRO: But my suit no match. I have only blue jacket and brown pants in locker. No tie.

(jOSE TAKES OFF HIS TIE AND THROWS IT TO PEDRO, WHO STRUGGLES TO PUT IT ON. HECTOR NEARBY HELPS HIM.)

JOSE:  Remember to smile, applaud and shout loudly: “TRUMP!  TRUMP!  TRUMP!”  And be sure to wave those American flags. Are there any questions because we leave for the HILTON in ten minutes. Yes Pedro.

PEDRO:  Is there toilet at HILTON? I have Green Apple Quickstep.

JOSE: Take your dump here. (PEDRO RUSHES OUT OF ROOM)

MARIA: (WEARING BATHING SUIT) I have no dress. Is this O.K.?

JOSE: (THROWING HER A BURKA). Put this on and hide your face. I’ll let you know when to take it off. You were a high jumper in Mexican Olympics. So jump up and down during applause.

HECTOR:  When we get paid?

JOSE: I have $100 for each after work tomorrow. Those of you who shout and clap loudest will get $50 more. Are you all ready to help elect your boss the next President of the United States?

(EVERYONE IN UNISON SHOUTS AND APPLAUDS AND FALLS OVER ONE ANOTHER THEY  RUN OUT THE DOOR . MUSIC: “STARS AND STRIPES” PLAYS. FADE OUT.

Is Planet World Going To Crash On Jupiter?

     It could happen. Our universe is heading towards total chaos.  Especially if the obese Premier-For-Life Jungle-UN lobs a missile from North Korea into South Korea. And the latter tosses it back.
Either way, there will be big trouble at the 38th Parallel for President Hillary Clinton to decipher.
I suggest that Dennis Rodman start packing his overnight bag, leaving room for several balls.
     Wait, Dennis. Unpack. Former Prime Minister David Cameron is at the front door of the White House holding his suitcase with icons: British Air, BBC, Simpsons and Hyde Park. Obviously, there is a lot of sponsorship money available for a former politician in high office.  Although one sticker, partially blurred, reads, NORTH KOREA SUCKS!
     Meantime, the fat ruler is having his weekly haircut before executing the barber with a 155 mm howitzer. Also included in the execution will be a pizza delivery man who brought cold slices and a deaf chimney sweeper who left a dead skunk inside the grill. The latter was mischievously served with the next day's hot dog dinner. All twelve of the kitchen staff were sent to a labor camp for ten years.
     So, speaking of bad taste, in both senses of the word, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg hit the jackpot when she said Donald Trump was lying. His Highness fired back: "Resign, b---h!" Now where was Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas? Nodding off or secretly watching "Long Dong Silver" on his smart phone. We'll never know. He doesn't talk. Only grins and votes.
     Finally, the RNC Convention in Cleveland was "The Last Supper" for any rehab for America. All the shooting, protesting and arson.....including wholesale looting.....showed the world that we can erupt better than Syria, Iraq or Uganda. How about that landing on Jupiter? Just wait and see. I'm heading for Canada and a better life.

Read The Small Print, Cheesehead!

     Yes, folks, it's the small print that will fuck you everytime. And don't be dismayed at my language. It's a sign of the times. FUNNY OR DIE has a bold headline subject today that defies my imagination. And maybe yours too. Here it is: JUSTIN TRUDEAU GIVES GREAT CUNNILINGUS. Just say hello to another porn site.
     But in all fairness, I recently asked my urologist if it is possible to get lockjaw from too much cunnilingus. He said "anything is possible." But when I asked my heart surgeon what to do with a six hour erection, he just laughed. I guess doctors do have a good sense of humor.
     Let's get back to the small print. Every offer on a website has the necessary disclaimer in small print to protect their asses from litigation. Why? Because most sale pitches are flawed, deceptive and downright dishonest. I would say 99.9% are sucker traps. Once you order and disclose your credit or debit card, you are hooked and will be fucked on a monthly basis.
     So, join the club. It's not exactly the Mile High one where you have sex in a toilet on the airplane. That activities is designated mostly for celebrities riding in First Class. Not you, strapped in the middle of a three-seater like a salami, with an unruly kid behind you kicking the seat.
     I detest the computer ads that chide me for leaving the page. Or darken my screen with a drop down message that pleads for me to reconsider my decision not to buy a stupid product or mundain service. Don't even think about asking how I ever wanted to visit these disingenuous pages. Perhaps I do need anger management. I'll think about it.
     My message for this blog is: DON'T FALL FOR THE SUCKER TRAPS. DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. And may you all have a nice day.