Cuddle and Caress Me but no Kissing!

     Yes, folks, just like ordering anybody or anything from Craig's and Angie's Lists, you can pay a website to connect you with a male, female or gay person to cuddle and caress. BUT NO KISSING! And certainly no sex, God forbid. This website doesn't have hermaphrodites either. For shame.
     In this day and age of instant gratification (one touch on the computer will reveal 234,000,000  possibles in .05 seconds), we are all overwhelmed by the enormity of digital electronics and fiber optics. Then there are the "menus" when you call a company. After wearing you down with extension numbers to reach, there is a beep for leaving a message. The robot signs off by saying, "Have a nice day. Call back again during our business hours. Thank you."
     Frustration sets in. You want to talk to a human being. Maybe open the window and shout out to strangers below, I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY LONGER! Where is Paddy Whatshisname when we need him? More than ever now. Just pass the Prozac. Smoke a weed and have a drink. We're all trapped into this web of gobbledygook. And there's no escape!
     Here are some of the questions asked of people seeking someone to cuddle:

1. What is your real name?
2.  Where do you live?
3  How do you live?
4.  Why do you live?
5.  Describe your last meal if you are to be executed in the morning.
6.  Your favorite puppy is dangling from a very high cliff in your right hand; your BFF in the left.   Which one would you save from dropping?
7.  Have you ever been arrested?   Why?
8.  What is the dumbest thing you ever did?
9.  If you had your life to live over again, whom would you be?
10.  Name your favorite drink.
ll.  What sort of job do you have?
12.  Have you ever been fired?     Why?
13.  If your boss called you an idiot, what would you say?
14.  How do you like these questions so far?
15.  What is your present salary?
16.  How little do you declare on your Income Tax Return?
17.  Do you stutter, whimper or belch easily?
18.  True or False.  Castration is a form of government in Cuba.

 NOTE:  YOU HAVE PROBABLY FAILED THIS TEST.  TRY AGAIN IN SIX MONTHS.