I AM NOT A TWITTISH TWITTER!

I really don't have the desire or time to twit. Nor do I plan to follow anyone and I don't think it is practical for anyone to follow me. Many years ago, when I campaigned publicly to clothe all naked animals for the sake of decency ("A nude horse is a rude horse?), reporters Pete Hamill and Susan Brownmiller followed me around New York City to learn what was behind my movement called SINA (Society for Indecency to Naked Animals). They finally gave up the surveillance in despair.

However, nowadays everyone is hooked on twittering. Kind of like smoking. One drag on the weed, it gets into your bloodstream, and you're hooked! In order defeat that transformation, I will tweet in this column for the first, and probably the last time. Just to prove how trivial I can be. Here goes. Follow me.

   The telephone just rang off the hook
   I answered the telephone
   It was a wrong number
   The phone rang again
   I answered again with "Hello"
   It was the same wrong numberer
   I told him to stop bugging me
   He said I should shove it
   I told him to take a long walk on a short pier
   He told me to eat some worms
   I hung up on him
   There was a knock on the door
   I first sneaked a peek through the peep hole
   It was a female Holy Roller
   She wanted to come inside and talk
   I told her I didn't want religion
   She said we could talk about the weather
   I asked whether or not she could leave
   She said I was rude and didn't want to talk
   I said that was fine with me
   She left with her middle finger in the air
   Now the phone is ringing again
   It was Charter Television
   A foreign voice said I had to pay bill
   I said I already paid the monthly bill
   He said his records show I had not
   I gave him my confirmation number
   He looked it up and said I was O.K.
   Charter bookkeeping is out of control
   Suddenly it began to rain cats and dogs
   I closed all the windows
   Now I forgot what I planned to do next
   Oh yes, I remembered and went upstairs
   Into the bedroom and take off my shoes
   I lay on the bed and fell asleep
   No more tweets from me
   And don't even think of tweeting me!