Rebate or Masturbate?

Nowadays we're all being offered rebates as a bonus for buying. BEWARE! It's one more sucker trap to separate consumers from their money. For example, Staples sells a lot of products with bold print trumpeting prices that are lower than their competition. The Staples small print advises a larger price, with the explanation you'll receive a rebate after the purchase.

It all sounds too good to be true. Well, it's true. Sort of. To claim your rebate you have to mail in the receipt and wait weeks. When the "check" arrives it looks like a postcard with perforations and you're about to toss this ad in the refuse. Another look and you realize you were going to throw away the rebate. Many customers do. I almost did, but don't anymore. Why? Because I don't like and I don't want rebates from Staples or any other company.

Quite frankly it is much easier and more enjoyable to masturbate than fill out a form for a rebate. In the former instance, one hazard is a paper cut, especially while going over a PLAYBOY Magazine. A rebate form has serial numbers to fill in. One number I was requested to file, to obtain a $4 rebate from Staples, had 27 digits on the faded receipt. I tried to obtain the numbers with a magnifying glass; no luck. No rebate. No more of my business with Staples!

One more complaint about Staples and all the stores that sell print cartridges for computers. THEY ARE ALL TOO EXPENSIVE. I've tried to fill a used one with ink, to save money on purchasing a new one for my iMac. The result was spilled ink, a stained sweat shirt that cost $5 to have cleaned and I am angry of course.

Finally, computers are wonderful when they work. CHARTER brags how much faster they are. Not so. Mine is slower with CHARTER. Also, when I called Charter tech to find out why my iMac froze and I couldn't get on the Internet, "Mary" in the Philippines, led me through an hour of tutoring that involved unplugging all my connections, waiting for five minutes, and then plugging everything back in. I followed "Mary's" instructions to no avail. And said goodbye to "Mary." BTW my reason for the quotes is that "Mary" is about as American as the Philippine golf pro Amigo Rodrigues.

After thanking "Mary" for her assistance, I looked at my modem that wasn't blinking anymore and I slapped it. VOILA! All my computer lights went on and I was back in action. That's what I've done for years, i.e. when the lawn mower's motor stopped and wouldn't start, I kicked it. The motor began to perk again and lasted for another two years before quitting permanently. Ditto for the kitchen blender. It stopped whirring. I slammed it on the counter and it started up again.

The message here is to use your anger and level it at the offending appliance. Corporal punishment is in once again!