How To Neutralize A Noisy Neighbor

I have spent the past several decades solving people's problems with noise and other disturbances. Nothing criminal or physical. 99% of my clients are in New York City. I'll give you a classic case:  Martha, pretty, in her early 20's, lived in a pre-war apt. building on the upper east side with six floors. Most of the residents were rent-controlled Sr. Citizens. She had a neighbor sharing her common wall on the 3rd floor, a man her age, a construction worker who rode his motorcycle to work, stayed up until 2 a.m. playing his stereo loudly and singing along, badly.

Martha was a teller in a bank and had to go to bed early in order to be at work by 9 am. She was lucky to get 5 hrs. sleep with the biker's late night radio. Her complaints to him failed and to other neighbors (they were all intimidated by this muscle bound heavyweight). The building's owner lived in Europe. The Supt. lived in a basement apt. and tried to intervene without success.  The bully told Martha she could move; he wasn't about to lower his noise when he finished a 12 hour hard day’s work constructing buildings.

I was hired by Martha to solve the problem. I learned she had called the police a few times, as had other tenants on her floor. When the culprit saw the flashing lights he toned down the volume, then raised it higher when they left. The cops weren't sympathetic, being too busy with bank robbers, rapists, muggers and jewelry thieves.

My solution was for Martha to rent a 28 inch bass drum with a wooden mallet. Then when the loud music began, she would keep time with the bass drum, hitting the instrument triple forte, claiming she had to " practice for joining a Salvation Army Band." It was 1 am when she started pounding to the music.  Within minutes the whole building was awake, tenants yelling on their floors and fleeing to the lobby. There were many  911 calls.

Two police cars arrived and settled the situation: "NO NOISE AFTER 11 PM OR FACE ARREST, FINES AND EVEN JAIL TIME.”  Subsequently, you might hear a door slam after 11 pm, but nothing louder.  A month later the offensive biker moved out.  Mission accomplished!

A Letter To Publishers Clearing House

D. H.

PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE

101 Winners Circle

Port Washington, NY 11050

Dear D. H.,

How can I ever thank you for rushing to me my DELIVERY VERIFICATION NUMBER: 13419349613419 on PCH FORM 13-X within two days!

However, D.H., the thought of winning $7,000 a week for the rest of my life scares me. Right now I am living comfortably on only $500 a week. So maybe you can spread $6,500 a week around to others.

If not, I'll let our grandson claim the money because he's only one year old and intends to live to a hundred. But how many more years will PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE live? Let me think about that possibility.

Otherwise, D.H., I’ll be waiting for that knock on the front door in November to greet you, and accept the first check in the amount of $7,000, along with the marching band, all the balloons and neighbors with their hands out to pay their mortgages and help them build new homes.

So, until that rendezvous, I remain both excited and exhausted over this BIG WIN!!!    

Sincerely,
Alan Abel

A MODEST PROPOSAL

As our national debt continues to spiral upwards for trillions, many households are forced to tighten their belts and stop eating out. A number of families with war vets are particularly hurt, now that their sons and daughters are back home, because they have more mouths to feed.

But Kathy and Todd (not their real names) enjoy making an inexpensive Mice Meat Loaf.  Here’s the recipe they follow.

First, they visit a dumpster behind an upscale restaurant with their two shoeboxes, each containing mouse traps baited with cheese. The holes in the sealed boxes will allow a mouse to enter and within a few minutes, VOILA!  You are ready to take him or her home. But don’t forget to also gather up discarded rolls, bread, pickles, half-eaten salads and yummy desserts.

Next, make sure the mice are dead before you cut off legs and heads. Then, wash them thoroughly in disinfected water and hang up to dry.  Spray each body with Rose Water to disguise their odors. Preheat oven at 350 degrees, place mice in a cake pan, smother them in breadcrumbs, add mushrooms, some garlic, a cup of ketchup, squeeze a lemon over this concoction and bake for one hour.

Finally, test with a fork for tenderness, sprinkle salt, pepper and relish. Now you are ready to serve a delicious, meaty meal that will have guests licking their chops for more. Leave off the word "mice" when mentioning it’s your mother’s favorite meat loaf recipe. It always tastes better that way.

Abolish Income Taxes

Dr. Delos M. Cosgrove has issued stern warnings from the Cleveland Clinic that the Federal Government must step in and help solve the obesity epidemic that has been catastrophic throughout America, and is now considered a disease!

One solution would be to abolish the Income Tax laws and substitute a Body Tax Plan. On or before April 15, the entire family would weigh in and pay $5 a pound for each and every member of the family!

The total aggregate weight of 315 million people would far exceed the income generated taxing income, thus reducing our national debt, and encouraging fat people to trim waistlines as well.

Obviously, taxpayers care about their bodies and would be willing to pay by the pound without complaining.  Also, they won’t have to declare a penny of their income!

This sort of common sense approach is the direction President Barack Obama has often proposed. And he would be a perfect poster man for the lean and determined leader whom most skinny people voted for.

      
As the U.S. Post Office slowly fades into the sunset, with massive closings and layoffs, their facilities and personnel could be utilized for National Weighing Stations to pay body taxes. Poor people will eagerly go on diets to pay less and senior citizens naturally save money, becoming shorter and lighter as they grow older.

      
CPAs will have to bite the bullet and be retrained for other missions in life. For example, as physical trainers or nutritionists to keep their clients’ taxes lower.

      
State taxes might be relegated to family heights, measured for an additional $3 a foot when everybody weighs in.

      
Uncle Sam's slogan can then be: "THE MORE YOU WEIGH, THE MORE YOU PAY." Join the national campaign to reduce obesity!

                 

Radio TV Award

The 34th annual FRIENDS OF RADIO AND TELEVISION CONVENTION was held at the Newark, NJ Holiday Inn with celebrities from programs spanning the past four decades. They included producers, directors, writers, actors, actresses, musicians and comedians. There were over a thousand in attendance.

At the Friday night banquet, media satirist Alan Abel was honored by receiving their prestigious Golden Statuette inscribed:

 "IN RECOGNITION OF YOUR CONTRIBUTIONS DURING RADIO'S AND TELEVISION’S GOLDEN AGE AND LATER.”

This award, by the Board of Directors, was based upon his forty years entertaining millions with humor on 2,000 radio and television programs in the USA, Canada, England, Ireland, Australia, New Zealand, Denmark, Holland and Spain.

He is the author of eight published books , including the best-seller "Don’t Get Mad…Get Even" and "How To Thrive On Rejection." (W.W. NORTON)

Alan Abel is presently featured in "Abel Raises Cain," the award-winning documentary, produced by his daughter Jennifer with Jeff Hockett, that has won First Prizes at a dozen film festivals worldwide, including The Slamdance Film Festival in January 2005 and the Fargo Film Festival in March 2009.

A graduate of Ohio State University, he is  completing his autobiography, lecturing at colleges on "Using Your Wits To Win," (Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Yale University, Johns Hopkins University, Gibbs College, UCLA, Goethe Institute in Amsterdam, among others). Alan Abel is planning a one-man show off-Broadway called "Jester At Large" in 2015.

I Am Selling my Memorabilia

I am selling my 160 storage boxes, trunks and filing cabinets filled with 75 years of thousands of photographs, letters, films, audio and video tapes, recordings (45s, 33s, 78s, CDs, DVDs), news stories and personal belongings. This eclectic collection of memorabilia can be purchased and then donated to a college collection's library or museum for a substantial tax credit. Or the various treasures could be sold on eBay for additional profits, as well as recouping the purchase price.

My original scripts from popular radio shows (Fred Allen, Norman Corwin, etc.) and recorded air checks would provide excellent source material for students in communications; ditto for music majors analyzing scores given to me by Henry Mancini, Fred Waring, Ray Anthony, David Rose, Charlie Spivak, Freddie Martin and other Big Bands and Orchestras of the 1940’s.

I also have interviews with Rod Serling ("Twilight Zone") on audio tape that are priceless; also an hour discussion with Henry Morgan (“To Tell the Truth”);  13 fifteen- minute filmed TV programs (never aired) featuring the late jazz pianist Dwike Mitchell (Mitchell/Ruff Duo); an hour interview with an inebriated Jane Fonda on audio tape; an hour interview with Shel Silverstein  (artist/author) and Helen Gurley Brown (Editor-in-Chief of  “Cosmopolitan”) on audio and video tape; over 1,500 radio and TV shows with celebrities, putting them on in the spirit of Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G).

      
Just a few of the notable ones spoofed were:  Orson Welles, Frank Sinatra, Gypsy Rose Lee, Jenny Jones, Johnny Carson, Phil Donahue, Walter Cronkite, Groucho Marx, George Plimpton, Dick Cavett, Michael Palin and many others.  For general information on my background: www.abelraisescain.com

Finally, view the award-winning documentary on my past adventures, "Abel Raises Cain" - available from Netflix - It won Best Documentary at Slamdance Film Festival, Fargo Film Festival, SNOB Film Festival and others in England, Canada Germany, Spain, China, New Zealand and Denmark.

How to Buy a Used Car

I am appalled by the number of people who innocently buy used cars. Some select the shiniest ones. Yet none of these buyers can tell a carburetor from a piston.

The secret for buying a used car is to meet the previous owner. Ask to spend a night as their house guest.  You’ll find out what he or she is like personally and soon know if you’re buying a lemon. For example, if you discover that the former owner wears raggedy underwear, such a person would ignore holes in the car’s radiator.

Recently, I considered buying a 1980 Plymouth at the bargain price of $299.  The dealer was willing to throw in a set of dishes and an orange juice squeezer.  I insisted on meeting the former owner and he agreed.

Mr. Fred Brower was a retired IRS agent and this is what I discovered after only twenty-four hours in his bungalow:

1.    He was thirty pounds overweight, had curvature of the spine, a pot belly and  he walked bowlegged!  His car was a perfect twin. The radiator bulged, wheels were out of line, and the tailpipe dragged noisily.

2.    Mr. Brower served me canned meatballs for dinner, so I knew he bought the cheapest gas. This explained why the motor had a knock and the universal joint screeched like a sperm whale in heat.

3.    One of his suspenders was ripped and patched with paper clips. The car’s fan belt was torn and held together by bobby pins.  Mr. Brower had dirty fingernails. Sure enough the car’s spark plugs were caked with grime.

4.    I purposely dropped a cigar ash on my host’s living room rug.  He rubbed it into the moth-eaten rug. Naturally, his car’s upholstery was covered with cigarette burns.

5.    Mr. Brower’s shoes were terribly run down. The car’s tires were worn to the tubes. He had glued fake rubber on them for the illusion of a recap job.

6.    When I learned he hadn’t had his eyes examined in over two years, I checked out the auto’s headlights. Both bulbs were too dim to see anything at night.

7.    Mr. Brower never wore socks.  Nor were his brakes lined. In order to come to a dead stop, I had to use the emergency brake and shift quickly into reverse.

8.    All the clocks in his house were twenty minutes slow. After drinking cheap wine he admitted he had turned back the odometer 20,000 miles..

9.    His teeth hadn’t been cleaned in three years. The only time he ever washed his car was the day he drove to his mother’s funeral.

When I confronted the used car dealer with all my evidence, he offered to sell me this jalopy for only $150. But without the dishes or orange juice squeezer. So the next time you see an ad that says, “Used car hardly ever driven by high fashion model,” I suggest you first spend a night with the owner.    

Long Hair is Wrong Hair!

I'm talking about the football field. When I see a bushy tailed running back, and he's tackled by his hair, that should be the same penalty as grabbing a face mask. Fifteen yards.  But it's not. Nor would it be illegal to grab a linebacker by his pubic hair. Or if your hand slipped down to his member, what about that hold?

      

Perish the thought you got tangled up in his jockstrap and propelled him into the corporate seats on the 50 yard line. Especially if he landed on a dowager’s lap.  Wait. That’s it. More money for the team’s owners selling a few minutes of lap dancing in the stands.

      

They won't go for such bawdy business. Selling beer and hot dogs at outrageous prices is reprehensible enough, not to mention the high cost of tickets, parking  your car and souvenirs for the kids. Win or lose, football is a Cash Cow for the stadium owners.

     

So let's get back to banning bushy  hair on players, handle bar moustaches and long eye lashes that can be combed back to resemble a hairy head. Enough is enough. Are you listening, National Football League?

An Act of Congress

TO: All members of Congress

FROM:  Media Provocateur

RE:  Resolving the Financial Crisis

DATE:  OCTOBER  5, 2013

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

     The present fiscal crisis can be swiftly resolved if Congress orders 1.2 million incarcerated people to be immediately released from Federal prisons. Then, they must be adopted within seven days or put to sleep.

Since it cost $35,000 a year for each prisoner to be housed, guarded, fed, educated, exercised, medicated and entertained, Uncle Sam could save trillions and help jump start the nation's economy.

     
Hardened criminals, serving 150 years or more, such as Bernie "Shyster" Madoff, would be confined to Alcatraz until they were reformed or made restitution.

     
Finally, to ease the Post Office debt, Jehovah's Witnesses are being asked to deliver the mail on Sundays, as an Act of God.