How To Deal With Grabbers, Groppers and Goosers

     The recent spate of accusers, mostly women, has rocked the world. Poor perverts being targeted  are amused; no money, no payment. Rich onces call their lawyers and settle for big bucks, that also includes a non-disclosure agreement. I. E. spill the beans and live with empty pockets.
     Fortunately, E.J. Farnsworth, an inventor, has a Patent Pending for a "Douche Bag" that allows a hot male with too much testosterone, and a hard on, to obtain both pleasure and relief without getting arrested when performing in public, unable to keep his pecker in his pants.
     Briefly, the Douche Bag" is worn like a jock strap and is made of leather. (I can already hear the HELLS ANGELS celebrating!). When the mark spots a beautiful woman and experiences an immediate erection, that's all right. The ten-year miniature battery aciivates, a small sponge squeezes his testicles and forces an ejaculation inside the clothe cup feature of his Douche Bag. Mission accomplished!
     The sperm, or come as it's called, remains inside the bag and can be emptied in private. No offense to anyone and certainly no allegations. Perish the thought! The male species is alive and kicking ass, if you'll pardon the expression, albeit there are lots of good looking cookie cutters out there, especially visible in summer.
     Members of Congress, both Houses and Senate, are considering Douche Bags for all male members as Christmas presents. Also, introducing a bill that would require them  in all USA states to be worn along with seatbelts. What a wonderful gift, along with their Insider Trading pass, and other perks.
     Obviously, the late Senator Al Frankin (he was late to deliver his Mea Culpa resignation speech on national television), could have saved his job by wearing a Douche Bag, keeping his pecker in his pants, his tongue in his mouth and his hands in his pockets. But it was too late to lock the barn door; the horse had been stolen. No pun intended.
    Meantime, the President was watching Al on TV,  having his joint stroked, eating rich chocolate fudge cake with one hand, and tweeting with the other: TOO BAD AL. IF YOU WERE GOP I COULD HAVE SAVED YOU. NOT NOW.  PLEASE PRAY FOR JUDGE MOORE TO BEAT THAT SOB. PS JARED NEEDS A NEW CHAUFFEUR.  YOU KNOW WASHINGTON STREETS. INTERESTED?
     BTW, DOUCHE BAGS will come in sizes small, medium, large, extra large and huge like a horse.
I'm not telling which size I'm ordering. I just hope that Farnsworth wins a Nobel Piece Prize. Pun intended.