BOO HOO YAHOO ENGINEERS

      I adore the Internet (thanks to Al Gore?), especially word processing. In high school I could type 80 words a minute without errors, on a manual Underwood typewriter. That made me the teacher's pet. After 30 years with an IBM Electric typewriter, I ran out of ribbons.
     So I called Tom Watson, President of IBM in Armonk,NY to complain:
ME: Hello, this is Dr. Abel and I have Mr. Watson's X-rays......
SHE: Oh, Dr. I'll put you right through to Mr. Watson...
HE: Who the hell is this with my so-called X-rays!!!
ME: My name is Alan Abel and I need IBM typewriter ribbons now....
HE: (laughing) Very clever Dr. Quack. I'll have one of my secretaries take your order and send you some. No charge for this; you got through seven of my ladies in less time than the President of the USA last week. Nice going. Please don't try it again.
     I received a half-dozen ribbons in the mail and could continue using my trusty IBM for another year. Then the switch to a Model T type computer that was O.K. until I switched to an Apple iMac #10. There were lots of problems with my early Apple and even my  complaint to Steve Jobs didn't help.
     Now in this year of 2017 I am blessed with a fairly reliable upgraded iMac. My oomplaint is with the dropdown and popup ads. The small x in the upper right hand corner of the page to delete can hardly be seen. Then when I delete, my  screen turns dark and a robot message pleads with me to come back. No way! I hit the spam button and provide a polite curse with the action.
     But the BOO HOO YAHOO ENGINEERS title of this blog concerns an occasional blank home page and a big notice:  PLEASE BEAR WITH US. OUR YAHOO ENGINEERS ARE BUSY REPAIRING THE DAMAGE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.
     That's my cue for a trip to the bathroom or kitchen. Or I just browse around on the internet and....low and behold....I've fixed whatever the trouble was. Maybe the Yahoo engineers had to go to the bathroom or the kitchen for a snack. Maybe I had better rephrase that last comment. Never mind!

How About A Pee Body Award?

     The prestigious Pee (pun intended) Body Award has been a valuable tradition with the University of Georgia for many years. It is a yearly function by the University's Director of Communications to award trophies to The Most Outstanding Radio or TV Program, The Second Most Outstanding Program and The Third Most Outstanding Program. These Awards are presented at a very special banquet on campus for winners, attended by a hundred  media executives.
     Every year there are many thousands of entries, with sample tapes and appropriate fees before the deadline. Then comes the task of Professor X to choose the winners. His role is changed every four years and I protect his identity for this essay, especially since he was a bold faced cheater!
     My former roommate in New York City was a graduate of the University of Georgia. Let's call him George (not his real name), because he is presently a highly respected antique dealer. During his four years in College, George assisted Professor X as an assistant, often conducting his classes. (Shhhh. The Statute of Limitations prevails in that and this revelation.)
     One Friday, when George was planning an outing with  friends,  he received a frantic phone call from Professor X: "Hey, George old buddy, I'm in deep shit trouble. The Peabody Awards Banquet is only three weeks and I have one week to pick the winners from 4,486 entries. Please come over to my house immediately and bail me out."
     Of course George rushed over on his bicycle and Professor X was waiting at the door, sweating profusely. He explained to George what he should do as he was also leaving Athens in an hour with his secret mistress for their weekend hideout in the woods: "Let's go downstairs to the basement where I have the entry tapes. Take a box full, I'll do the same and follow me upstairs."
     At the top of the stairs, Professor X tossed the tapes from his box down the stairs, all 40 of them, and told George to do the same. He did. Then they both stepped on tapes, held on to the rail, and cautiously made their way to the bottom of the stairs amid a dozen boxed program tapes.
     The Professor was now late for his departure and girlfriend X was honking her horn outside. He told George to pick out a few tapes at the bottom of the stairs, screen them, and then pick One, Two and Three in that order to win the Peabody Awards for the year!!!
     That's what George did that year, and for three more until he graduated with honors, recommended by Professor X. Hmmmm. I think it's called a conspiracy, obstruction of justice and disingenuous. So why don't we just call it The Pee Body Awards henceforth?

Only $19.95 Postage Paid For This Super-Duper Flashlight That Glows In The Dark If You Call In The Next Five Minutes!

    Really? Truly? Cross your heart and hope to die? No kidding? Tell the truth! It's too good to be true. All right. I'll bite. I'll call the 800 number right now. Within two minutes of your TV pitch.

AGENT: Thank you for calling Super-Duper flashlight that glows in the dark. I notice you live in Connecticut and I have your address and phone number on my screen. Mr. Abel, you do qualify for the free shipping. If you order two flashlights, I will only charge you $29.95.. Yes or no?
ROBOT:  Please say yes or no.
ME: No, no, no .
ROBOT: Is that a yes?
ME:  NO! NO! NO!
ROBOT: I did not understand you. Can you answer in Spanish, French or German?
ME: NO! NO! NO!
AGENT: I'm sorry about transferring you to the Robot, but I had to use the bathroom. Now I can confirm your order for two Super-Duper flashlights that glow in the dark, in case you lose them, for only $29.95. Is that a yes?
ME: NO! NO!  NO!
AGENT: Let me sweeten the deal Mr. Abel. I'll send you three Super Duper flashlights that glow in the dark for the fantastic price of only $39.95 postage paid. You will receive them within six weeks.
Is that fine with you?
ME: NO! NO! NO!
AGENT: What if we throw in an electric blanket for only an additional $5.95 that normally sells for $9.95 and we'll pay the postage on that item also. I have your debit card numbers from amazon.com and can punch you right in. What do you say to that incredible deal?
ME: NO! NO! NO!
ROBOT: I have your debit card entered and only need to know your expiration date. Please enter that now.
ME:  NO! NO! NO!
ROBOT: I'm waiting for your answer. Don't mess with me. We have other customers. There are only 12 Super-Duper flashlights that glow in the dark. Now there are only 10 left. Only 7. They are going fast. Are you with me?
ME: CANCEL! CANCEL!  CANCEL!
AGENT: Sorry again. Now where were we? Hello. Hello. Hello. Where are you? Oh shit. Another one of those!

How Can You Sell Your Screenplay To A Hollywood Studio In Six Weeks?

     First by thinking outside the box. Normally, one would have an agent who has studio contact with a producer and decides to option your screenplay for a year. I had that happen years ago with Sidney Glazer. He won an Academy Award for producing "The Eleanor Roosevelt Story." But Glazer decided he didn't like "The Great American Hoax" after all, and threw my 100 page script across the room as he lay on a couch with a vinegar rag on his forehead. A real schmuck!
     When a young filmmaker in New York City came to me for advice, let's call him George because he became famous, he said he was headed for Hollywood with $10,000 in his bank. How should he spend it out there in order to make his first movie with a script he had written.
     I told George not to waste his time and money. The dollars would all be gone in a few months for food, rent and other expenses. Instead, he should use the money to rent a classy limousine with a uniformed chauffeur, dress himself looking spiffy and visit the major studios one at a time.
     When his expensive limo pulls up to the gate, tell the guard you want to rent a studio to produce your first movie. Wait until the guard gets off the phone and you'll have directions to enter and drive to one of the huildings with offices. There, you will meet an executive salesman who handles studio stage rentals. He will ask for a copy of your script and be impressed with one of your engraved business cards.
     This is the procedure I advised George to take. He did and found the welcome mat at three of five studios. Studio number one decided to make him an offer: rather than than rent their facilities, a crew, editing rooms and all the other expenses, why not just produce his movie under their banner. They would pay all expenses, in addition to a producer's salary, that would also include an office to work in and a cottage nearby to live in. Profits would be shared fifty -fifty from the first dollar.
     What I just described was over a six week period. George was down to has last $200 when he signed the contract and received a studio check for $1,500,000.  He was sweating profusely when he deposited the money in his bank. George couldn't believe his good fortune. He made his first movie, then three more, got married, had three kids and is happily living in a huge Beverly Hills home.
     I believe this scenario could still work again. So you wannabes consider the potential. But don't fall for the sucker trap option. Your creative efforts will be tied up for a year or more, nothing will happen and you'll continue having dinners out at MacDonald's.
     There are actually thousands of screenplays on studio shelves. I've seen them and heard sad stories from college graduates with film degrees bagging groceries, moving back home with parents. Don't let that happen to you!

CNN COMMENTATOR JAKE TAPPER VS. WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI

     The rhetoric between these two power balls on CNN Sunday July 23, 2017 was historic and bombastic. Both guys probably deserve to be spanked for upsetting the verbal apple cart. Perhaps NEW YORK TIMES writer Maureen Dowd said it best:  '"President Trump has finally found a courtier who can give him the buttery, boundless respect he craves. A wealthy mini-me Manhattan bro with wolfy smile and slick coif who will say anything and flip any position. A self-promoter extraordinaire and master salesman who doesn’t mind pushing a bad product — and probably sees it as more fun. For ego gratification, Trump has struck gold — or Goldman Sachs — with his appointment of Wall Street hedge fund guy and cable TV diva Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director. The Mogul and the Mooch is a tender love story with dramatic implications for the imploding White House."
     Wow! Try and top that quote! Although Ms. Dowd is certainly vulerable. For example, during the Denver Democratic Convention in 2008, she waited in the long line to interview Lena Tessa Potapova carrying a protest sign: 38 MILLION BIRD WATCHERS ARE VOYEURS! PERVERTS,  LET THE BIRDS HUMP IN PRIVATE! 
     Jake Tapper is no slouch when it comes to debating a political hacker. Tapper is also a clever cartoonist,  just as Scaramucci excels in selling his snake oil and sniffing Trump's behind doggie fashion.
     Now the whole world waits impatiently for the final curtain, when Humpty Trumpty takes his fall off the Mexican/American wall. As he lies (pun intended) on the ground, one hand is raised in the Nazi salute and the other clutches a well worn copy of "Mein Kampf."
     If you paid a big price for this ringside saga there are no refunds. But there is hope!
     
       

Sean Spicer's Very First White House Press Conference

INTERIOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM JANUARY 10, 2017



REPORTER: Thank you for remembering my name. By the way, how do you pronounce yours? And I have a follow up question.

SPICER: Ahh. it's pronounced Sean as in braun. And Spicer as in Shicer. What is your follow up question?

REPORTER:  How do you spell your name?

SPICER:  S as in STUPID, E as in ENEMA, A as in APATHY and N as in NERD. That's SEAN, my first name. Now what was your other question?

REPORTER: How do you spell your last name?

SPICER: Ahh. S as in SHLEP, P as in POOP, I as in IDIOT, C as in CRUD, E as in ENEMY and R as in ROTTEN. 

REPORTER: My name is Robinson and I'm with the Associated Press and....

SPICER: (INTERRUPTING) Ahh.  We don't fake take news from the Associated Press, ahh I mean fake jews, I mean gnus, I mean, never mind. Next.

REPORTER: Have you ever been psychoanalized?

SPICER: No. Have you?

REPORTER: Oh, many times.

SPICER: How would you describe yourself?

REPORTER: Probably a nut job.

SPICER:  Our time is up. Thank you all for coming. Don't bother tomorrow. We're having all the locks changed and President Rump, I mean Hump, I mean Dump Trump will have the only gold plated key.

Why Did Vernon Duke Steal "April In Paris?"

     It was for the 1932 Broadway Show, "Walk A Little Faster."   The show was a smash hit and subsequently, Duke and his estate earned millions of dollars. So who was the legitimate author? Did he copyright "April In Paris?" Did he ever sue Vernon Duke? Why not? What's his name?
     His name is the Black Throated Green Warbler, he still lives in the Connecticut trees and has been singing "April In Paris" for over two-hundred years! Ask any member of the Audubon Society because they have recordings for verification. But they too are as impotent as the United Nations.
     I have attempted to find a pro bono attorney over the past forty years who is willing to file a law suit in Federal Court against Vernon Duke's estate, demanding a full accounting and a seven figure payment to all Black Throated Green Warblers. The legal community feels threatened by those sweet little birds who have been screwed. That is, no retainer fee up front is available.
     As a pro se, I could institute legal action. But the goody two shoes perverted bird watchers would band together as Friends of the Court and stall my case for years, forcing me to either drop my suit or declare bankruptcy. I prefer to sit it out and wait for some young buck freshly out of law school who is really compassionate about obtaining justice for the birds.
     Another negative factor is the ancient Copyright Law. It was slightly updated in 1978, allowing authors to retain rights until they die, plus seventy-five years. And there's no jail time for plagiarism. Just a slap on the wrist ("don't you ever do that again!") and a $1,000 fine. Maybe. If the thief cries a little, the judge can sentence him or her to 90 days of Community Service.
     When I once had an ad campaign plagiarized, the perpetrator was traced to Claremont, California where he operated a gift shop, with a printing press in the back room. Hmmmmm. And he was distributing my original work nationally as his own! One big display was in a ground floor show window of the Empire State Building. What balls!
     I visited the FBI and an agent gave me number 2,409. That was how many copyright cases were ahead of me for their investigation. Three years later the agent called. They found the culprit had sold his store and moved back to Mexico. Extradition was not possible. Only for rapists, killers and terrorists.
     Where can I contribute to build that wall?
    

The Wizard Of Odd and For Whom the Bells Tolled

     If this blog was a trivia contest, you would immediately know the title refers to DONALD TRUMP. This pathological liar has both skimmed and scammed the American public all the way to the White House, with help from fellow conspirator Vladimir Putin. Both of these rogues should be arrested for high crimes and tried at The Hague.
     Then they would be hanged in public for all to see. And that's when the bells will toll. Not in memory, but in misery. Americans  have all suffered during Trump's destructive dictatorship, his empty promises, vitriolic rhetoric, and now our guilt we let it last so long.
     We are living in the greatest country in the world. More or less. More because we are free to hate and act stupid. Less because Jim Crow and Anti-Semitism prevail.  Will we ever learn? Probably not. All those who voted for Trump should be hanging their heads in shame.
     America is a country that can forgive and forget. From one generation to the next. There have been questions about Senator Joe McCarthy, General Ike Eisenhower and General George Patton on JEOPARDY that the smarties didn't know.
     But we will always remember Pearl Harbor, John F. Kennedy, the 9/11 tragedy and Adam Lanza's brutality in murdering all those beautiful children. Thankfully, he committed suicide.
     Nor can we ever forget the horrendous Ponzi scheme by Bernard Madoff. This former president of the New York Stock Exchange lived high on the hog for many years, stealing thousands of people's savings and forcing them to live in homeless shelters. He is spending the 150 year sentence in a maximum security prison; that's the life of his penis, not the rest of his miserable body.
     Finally, let me leave you with the wisdom of Mrs.Yetta Bronstein, former independent candidate for President of the United States in 1964, when queried by reporters Huntley and Brinkley about her position on civil rights. She replied, "If we all can be civil, then we'll be right."