The Best Damn Band In The Land!

     The best damn band in the land (a/k/aTBDBITL) is The Ohio State University Marching Band, 200 members strong, and all brass instruments. Their uniforms haven't changed in over a hundred years, nor has their marching tempo of 180 beats per minute. And every half-time show during football games has the tuba player dotting the i after one of their letter formations.
     OSU was my alma mater and I enjoyed sitting in the stands during every home game, and once in Ann Arbor, Michigan, during my four college years. As a drummer in the concert band and President of the Jazz Forum on campus with weekly jam sessions, I did not want to march fast with a heavy street drum strapped to my left leg. No way Jose!
     But I did compose one composition for TBDBITL, "Serenade To A Sand Dune," that featured dancing drummers whirling around to a Latin-Mambo melody. The 90 thousand spectators applauded, cheered and shouted "one more time!" So conductor Dr. Jack Evans repeated the three minute extravaganza, again to an overwhelming response from the audience.
     Meantime, the 40 football players waiting in the tunnel to run out for the second half game against Illinois, ran by the clock and led by coach Woody Hays. But they had to halt because TBDBITL was playing my song for the second time! So they waited fuming at the front of the tunnel, while  Coach Hays, furious,  demanded to know who was responsible for this debacle.
     All this time I was watching the game from the press box, thanks to bandleader Evans, and afterwards Woody Hays came storming up the steps to the press box shouting, "where is Alan Abel! I want to kick his ass for spoiling the team's entrance for the second half!" I heard his shout out in time to quickly jump into the clothes closet. All the reporters played dumb and said I wasn't around. Hays left in a huff. I did not relish the idea of trading blows with his linebacker body. Whew!  Saved by the bell.
     So what is the point of this blog? Well, Im complaining about the lack of half-time band shows during televised football games. The entire ten minutes is devoted to commercials and more commercials. Why? Because money talks, B.S. walks. One would think that colleges and the NFLmake enough money with ticket sales, overpriced hotdogs and beer plus parking fees. It's the greed factor, folks. Think about it and complain. But don't anticipate any changes. Sorry.
    

IF DONALD TRUMP WINS THE ELECTION ………..

     Bet your money for total chaos in America. A few million people would be without jobs as their employers depart the USA for China, Japan and Taiwan. Thousands of homeless families would overwhelm all government resources for help. They will have to be located in empty schools to live, shut down because teachers can all find better employment in Canada, England and even Mexico. Students must be home schooled.

     Trump remains secluded in the White House, fully surrounded by a 12-foot steel wall, paralyzed with fear over the enormity of his job as President. The Vice-President has already been indicted, charged with taking enormous bribes in cash from builders and contractors. His weekly take makes Spero Agnew seem like a street panhandler.

     Attorney General Christi has his hands full with thousands of lawsuits against Trump’s Taj Mahal Casino, Mar-A-Lago in Florida, Trump Tower and his AIR FORCE ONE airplane. The latter because the painter hasn’t been paid for the letters. There are so many vets camped in Lafayette Park, across from the White House, both McDonalds and Wendys have fast food trailers there.

     Christi was recently hospitalized for Mad Cow Disease after kissing so many asses.  He was also treated for PTSD  when Trump appointed Don Rickles to fill the empty chair on the Supreme Court, and made Sarah Palin Secretary of the Treasury.

     The Washington Monument Plaza is the camping site for 10,000 women, all members of  WRAG (Women Raped And Groped). They are protesting the President for his behavior. Especially since he hired Monica Lewinsky as his personal secretary.

     The only decent activity the President performed is his pardon for Roman Polanski to return to America. Rudy Giuliani has been appointed Ambassador to England and Wolf Blitzer Ambassador to Haiti, since he speaks Creole when reporting the news.

     Only one camera is allowed at a White House news conference (CNN) as the official media outlet, to be held monthly for ten minutes. No other reporters are to be allowed near the White House and a Restraining Order keeps them 150 feet away. The latter for their safety because the metal fence is electrified. Everyday, workmen have to bag and discard hundreds of dead pigeons.

     Kim Jung-un and Bashar al-Assad are presently overnight guests of President Trump.  Dennis Rodman has been hired as a salad chef in the White House kitchen

and  Magic Johnson is the new Secretary of State.

     Otherwise, 200 million Americans have migrated to Canada, welcomed by PM Justin Trudeau. They had to abandon their homes, especially after Social Security was terminated and pension funds going bankrupt. Obamacare evaporated too.

     There was one consolation: living in America had been better than than living in North Korea or Syria.

      

Electoral College Test For Voters

                   ELECTORAL COLLEGE TEST FOR VOTERS

1.    Did you ever smoke, snort, chew or swallow illegal substances?__________

2.    Have you ever groped a pussy for sexual pleasure?___________

3.     Did you ever fondle a penis for sexual pleasure?___________

4.    Have you ever squeezed a testicle for pleasure or pain?____________

5.    Did you tell a lie recently?__________

6.    If someone called you a dummy, would you hit him/her?

7.    Where?____________________

8.    Do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky “Louieville” or “Louisville?”

9.    Hey dummy, haven’t you heard of Frankfort,KY?__________        

10  True or False:  Castration is a form of government in Cuba:________

11.  Do you suffer from indecision?______YES_____NO____MAYBE

12. Within the pecking order of your life, do you consider yourself a small pecker, a medium pecker or a big pecker?_____________

13. Are you aware that Donald Trump’s halo is only inches away from being a noose?____________

14. Have you ever taken paper clips, rubber bands or erasers home from the office? _______

15. Did you report this booty on your income tax return?______

16. Why not?_____________________________________________________

17. Are you ready to be incarcerated or deported?________

18. How about Alcatraz or Mexico?___________________