I received an important snail mail letter from PCH claiming I was now in the winner's circle. When I was urged to buy something, anything.....however, a purchase would not increase my chances for becoming the GREAT GRAND SUPER WONDERFUL UNBELIEVABLE FANTASTIC JACKPOT PRIZE OF $7,000 a week for life winner. I decided to go wild.
First, I took ten strangers on the street to a chicken dinner at KFC . They were all delighted and quite hungry, to a total tune of $167.80. But, what the hell, I'm in the winner's circle with a letter of confirmation. What more do I need to know that I'm a sure fire winner? Maybe I better buy something from PCH, for insurance.
O.K. I'll send for a shoe horn, a baby screw driver and a nail clipper. Total cost, including handling and shipping $14.58. Not a bad investment for the kind of annuity I'll be receiving for the rest of my life!
I'm going to spend more money until PCH's team shows up at my door with a Brink's truck, a marching band and hundreds of balloons on October 21st. Until then my plan is simple: spend as much as I can without any contrition. I'll have to take out a bank loan, of course, for $100,000, and my banker assures me I have enough in assets to serve as collateral.
I already have my bucket list of things to buy, places to visit, people to reward and parties to attract new friends. The first party will be to celebrate my birthday(please don't ask how old I am; I'll only admit that I'm old enough to know better.) There will be a sitdown dinner for 40 of my friends, catered by a gourmet chef. I'll also invite Dr. Oz, in case anyone gets sick and requires expert treatment.
Finally, if any of you folks reading this blog are naive enough to think that I might throw a few thousand your way, forget it. Because money talks and bull shit walks. I might take you to dinner. But that's about it.
To celebrate my big win, let's all hum "In a country garden by Percy Granger" while we exercise our sphincter muscles. A one and a two.............
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