How I Got Screwed By Phil Donahue!

     In the mid sixties Phil Donahue was a struggling talk show host on radio in Dayton,OH. His producer, Dick Thrall, was a friend from Columbus,OH and invited me to appear on Phil's show when I visited in-laws in Cincinnati. I made the trip and appeared half-a-dozen times in as many years before Phil graduated to Chicago and syndication on TV. He became a very hot property.
     But in the early Dayton days he was just another talker with an all-female audience of perhaps a hundred elderly ladies with their sewing or crocheting baskets. Their reward at the end of an hour show was trying to catch a loaf of white bread. Dozens of loaves were tossed to the ladies, many breaking open, spewing slices of bread all over the small studio. It was total mayhem, and Phil loved it. I didn't.
     I have about a hundred fan letters that Phil received commenting highly on my appearances with him. Listeners loved the banter between us and he played it straight when I proposed outlandish ideas for draining the Ohio River or attaching wheels to buildings so secretaries could pedal at work for exercise and transport the building into the country.
     In the early 70's I had my autobiography published by MacMillan, "Confessions of a Hoaxer," and the publicity manager asked me to call the the Phil Donahue Show and arrange an appearance to kick off book sales. I spoke with Phil's producer, Debbie, and she said she would get back to me ASAP.
     The next day she called me in New York: "Alan, I'm sorry but Phil feels that he has already interviewed you so many times in Dayton, he doesn't want to do it anymore. But thanks for the opportunity." I was flabbergasted! All those shows were done around Christmas when I left my family and often drove in miserable weather to entertain Donahue's audience. I never got paid and never even got a loaf of white bread. I was being screwed!
     When I reported back to Tom the publicity man at MacMillan, he too was shocked. "How could Donahue dismiss you when your life's story is being published, especially after all the shows you did for him, and now you need a favor in return. That, Alan, is a real bummer!"
     Nevertheless, I made the usual book tour and that helped sell a lot of books. But I carried a chip on my shoulder at being shut out by the guy I helped out in Dayton. Then, a few years later, one of his staff members called me and said, "Alan, I would like to send you a dozen tickets to the Phil Donahue Show, when we move to New York City and broadcast over the full NBC-TV network. Consider you and your friends to be a Welcome Wagon."
     I gritted my teeth. Here was my opportunity for revenge, to screw Phil Donahue royally. And did I ever hit the jackpot!  My fake organization was F.A.I.N.T., or Fight Against Idiotic Nogood Television. Flyers were printed for Informational Picketing and my cohorts rehearsed their roles, with Paul Hiatt, my long time associate in charge.
     The basic plan for the first live show with 400 in the audience, was for my team to raise their hands to question one of the eight senior citizens on stage, all in their 80's and gay. They were  coming out of the closet and revealing their secret lives. As each of my people stood and started to talk, they fainted. Then a few in the audience not with FAINT began feeling ill and fainted.
     It was pandemonium in Studio 8-C as medics arrived, Donahue announced on camera, "we just lost another one," and cleared the studio. He was out of control, perspiring perfusely and stuttering on camera as he tried to maintain composure without success. The show went off the air early. All this time I was in a nearby hotel room with friend Richard Crater, both of us laughing hysterically, tears flowing.
     That night, the NEW YORK POST carried the Page One headline: AUDIENCE FLEES DONAHUE SHOW. Phil was on all the TV news shows, still perspiring, out of control, trying to explain why: "It might have been the heat inside, the cold outside, the fact we were live across America or embarrassed because of the subject matter."
     Within a few days Phil learned I was the culprit and he kicked the furniture in his office. That is, until his ratings soared and I received a Christmas Card saying" May nothing in the New Year cause you to faint."   Hmmmmmm. Thanks Phil. And the same to you!