Why Does Jerry Seinfeld Have Horse Teeth?

     I've often wondered why Jerry Seinfeld has kept his horse teeth. They often distract from his otherwise wonderful monologues on talk shows. He can certainly afford to have his teeth fixed to look better. Ditto for country singer Jewel who has maintained those jagged teeth of hers throughout a long career of hit recordings.  I wonder how many men she has soul kissed who had to get lip stitches at a hospital emergency room?  Doesn't seem to matter. Fans still love her for who she is.
     I already wrote a blog about David Letterman's space teeth. He finally got that "hole in the wall" covered, and looked better for the improvement. But his personality remained the same. Don't ask. Just read my blog about that venerable clown in sheep's clothing.
     Another spaced out person is Michael Strahan, former New York Giant's linebacker, now hosting the Morning Show on NBC-TV with two middle-aged ladies. Strahan has a very large space between his upper two front teeth. Very distracting and I suspect makes it difficult for him to enunciate words. I was going to send him a dollar to start a fund called, LET'S FILL MICHAEL'S SPACE! But he would probably just spend the money raised.
     Remember the southern redneck who won Powerball's jackpot? I think it was around 450 millionj. He took the cash, bought a lot of stuff, left $400,000 in his pickup truck that was stolen and never, ever repaired his teeth. They always looked rotten from smoking cigars and chewing tobacco. He eventually gave most of his winnings away. Then went broke. Nor did he ever have dentures. Too bad.
     But let's get back to Jerry Seinfeld's horse teeth. If he ever calls me to have coffee in one of his antique cars and tell some funny stories, I 'll return his envelope filled with cash with a reminder, "Jerry, here's some money to fix your horse teeth. It's my gift to you."

WE THE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THE DOGS!

                      

     With over thirty million people unemployed in America, and no positive sign that the recession (depression?) will end soon, we are obviously “going to the dogs!” Therefore, WE THE PEOPLE intends to honor our millions of four-legged friends with a dramatic CANINE CONCERT on the Washington Mall during the summer of 2016.

     This musical extravaganza will feature a concert by professional musicians playing on a very high frequency that only dogs can hear. Of course their human handlers are welcome to attend, providing they promise to behave. A web site will be available the first of the new year for dog owners to sign up with their pet’s name, breed and age. There will be a limit of four dogs for each owner who plans to attend this historic CANINE CONCERT on the date to be announced.

     WE THE PEOPLE anticipate a million mutts and 500,000 handlers attending. There will be a live one hour telecast and internet streaming worldwide. It will definitely be a dog day to be remembered! And “man’s best friend,” dogs of all breeds and sizes, will have an opportunity to express their feelings about America in our nation’s Capitol. 

     According to the late psychiatrist, Dr. Joyce Brothers, "dog owners are anthropomorphic, that is, they see their pets as human beings by loving them, feeding them, walking them and sleeping with them.  The animals reciprocate by displaying unbridled affection. Their friendship is eternal."

    Therefore, WE THE PEOPLE will demonstrate our commitment to all dogs that we love them and will always treat them kindly.

                                                

WELCOME TO MENU'S, ROBOTS AND SPANISH!

     Cyberspace and the Internet (thanks to Al Gore?) are mostly wonderful. In mini-seconds an ingoramus can cough up a million answers to any question imaginable. For example, "What are Andy Warhol's measurements? or "Name the brand of Cuban cigar that John F. Kennedy smoked."
Y'all know what I'm talking about! Quite frankly, we're all stupid when it comes to computers. That is, when they haven't crashed or freeze on a page.
     Then there are the menu's we all have to endure. They have caused me to bite my nails and scratch my behind again. (Don't laugh. Nadel lost at Wimbledon to a lowly rated wannabe, whom I won't dignify by mentioning his name, and he was always scratching his butt between serves). The proliferation of options on a menu can drive any sane person to Prozac or other addictive drugs.
     How about all those robots talking to you? Don't interrupt or you'll be chastised and disconnected; or worse, transferred to another menu! This endless destruction of our psyches has got to end somehow. Just blame your modem and keep going. You'll succeed eventually, with a liberal amount of profanity upstaging the music you have playing to soothe your indignation.
     If you don't speak English, you certainly understand Spanish. The latter is an option on just about every menu on the computer. I grew up speaking English, along with typing that uses hyphens, dashes, quotation marks and paragrahs indented . My tenure in cyberspace is at peril. Big Brother is watching me and I expect to be tied up and tortured in the future. So be it.
     If a robot suggests Spanish as an option, where are Dutch, German, French, Farsi, Italian and a dozen other languages?  The Mensa Midgets who scanned the millions of pages and inserted them into computers laid a big egg by ignoring other languages. Shame on them!
     Nevertheless, I am pleased to feel comfortable with my iMac for word processing (a/k/a typing) and to send Emails at no cost. My support of the US Post Office has been diminished 99$%. Boo-hoo. Let them keep raising the cost of stamps by half-a-cent for more confusion. Hardly anyone knows how to add or substract numbers anyhow. But I can!
     So, on these sour notes I leave you for reading the NEW YORK TIMES. Not on Kindle, but in old-fashioned news print. I still can't give up turning those large pages and then putting them aside to wrap garbage for the big round can outside our garage door. What fun! And more rants later.