Please leave me alone!

I don't want to buy anything from the girl with the goofy rotating eyes. She makes me dizzy. Nor do I want a reverse mortgage or to refinance my loans. I am not interested in meeting women with large breasts, medium sized, little or no breasts. Jehovah's Witnesses, please stay away from my house. I'm just not interested in religion anymore. Nor can I be persuaded to join anything. I've done it all over the years. I'm content to sit in a chair and sulk. Just leave me alone. Thanks.

I'm not trying to be a sour puss. Maybe a scrouge. I don't really need anything now. Oh, maybe, if you insist, some tooth paste and toilet paper. Just leave a few tubes and rolls on the front porch. I'll pay you later. Maybe not. You are earning money. I"m not. Pity the poor.

So what is this rant really about?  I just hate to be treated like a consumer. The ploys to suck me in to buying something won't stop trying to entice me. The company offers free shipping. Ha ha. There are no more free lunches or dinners. Those seminars to lasso in the suckers faced a stiff law of diminishing returns. The freeloaders ate their food and drank the booze. But no sales today!

I am still outraged about the flood of mail and phone pitches to lower my auto and house insurance. It's the biggest hoax ever! The insurance companies all employ the same scame: sign up the "mark" for a ridiculously low cost the first few months. Then begin to raise the monthly cost by 15%, surreptitiously. It took me four months to notice that I was paying Liberty Mutual an additional $12 every month more. When I protested, the agent said it was standard procedure. Hmmmmmm.

My cereal box actually tasted better than the corn flakes inside. Yes, I cut out a square of cardboard and ate with milk. Yum yum. The cereal inside was stale and tasted like dry leaves. (I've eaten those too!).  Ditto for the Atkins Diet meal. I tried one. Yuck! A McDonald's Hamburger is much better. Oh, stop with the calories' warning. We're all going to die someday and I'm not going to live my life worrying about getting too fat.

I don't have any more complaints for today. And don't forget: please leave me alone.

What I hate about my computer!

Well, for starters, when it freezes. I call tech support in Shanghai, 17 hours away by air, and someone named "Mary" with a Chinese accent tries to help. She wants me to unplug everything. I explain that I've already done that and it won't correct my problem. She brings up my screen from her end (no jokes about that comment, please) and fiddles with her controls locked into mine. I still remain frozen.

Mary finally gives up after an hour and says I probably need a new modem. Mine is blinking badly. I mention it's already new, only a few months old. She replies that they die quickly. I now wonder how I can find a new modem at 3 am. I can't. Frustrated and angry I slap my modem. All the lights flash at me and settle down. My computer unfreezes!  I shut down and go to bed.

I don't like all the pop-up and drop-down ads. They are so annoying. Then when I delete an ad, a reminder asks me if I really want to leave the page. Does the robot inside my iMac think I am an idiot? Obviously so. I click on the "yes" icon to leave the page. Not yet, says the robot in another comment that locks their page from leaving me. "Are you sure?" is the message. I want to break the screen or smear it with mustard and ketchup. But that's not nice. I need to work with a clean slate, so I go along with their tirade of comments to make a sale.

Another complaint I have is proving that I am not a robot. In order for my comment, or whatever, is to be accepted, I have to file the correct code at the bottom of the last page. It's a scrambled series of numbers and letters all jumbled over one another, some lower case, some upper case and all connected by a common spine that says, "Ha ha ha, dumbo, you better be a graduate in computer science to solve this puzzle. Otherwise, you ain't going nowhere from this moment on."

I have spent as much as an hour and clicked on as many as 27 different codes, as I failed to get any correct ones, and the robot conveniently provides another more complex one to drive me crazy. They win. I lose. I've become crazy and once again, want to find the robot and rip him apart.

There are lots of other complaints I could bring up about the computer, but I'll end here. I do realize that no-cost emails have been driving the US Post Office down the toilet, while saving people millions of dollars in free mailing on the machine. I like that because I average replying to several hundred emails a week. I also send about a dozen snail mail letters out to friends who still like to open paper letters.

Finally, word processing is so much better handled via computer than on an electric typewriter; corrections can be made in seconds and the font looks like it is right off a printing press, which it is. So no more complaints for now. And if your computer freezes, try a little corporal punishment on your modem. It worked for me.

Why "Dancing With the Stars" is slipping in ratings......

When this TV show first appeared a few years ago it was an immediate sensation. Why? Because the world could view ballroom dancing again, long locked out of sight and sound by the young "suits" who manage the media. The music of yesterday had a beat, melody, harmony, key changes, big band of musicians (reeds,brass and rhythm....think Doc Severinsen from the TONIGHT Show), and conductor-arranger Harold Wheeler resurrected those early-day elements with "Dancing With the Stars."

This was a win-win situation with first class sponsors, a hefty budget and millions called in to vote for their favorite dancers. The producers earned many thousands from the voting telephone calls charges. And the losing dancers were regularly featured on Jimmy Kimmel's nightly show. No doubt there was a sweetheart deal because both shows were on the ABC-TV network.

Now there is the law of diminishing returns as "Dancing With the Stars" begins to fade away. The Harold Wheeler orchestra was fired because musicians are always first to be blamed when the on-stage folks are threatened. In this instance "Voices" has bumped dancing for singing. The judges on this boring show compete to coach the wannabe singers vying for fame and fortune, (Carson Daley does keep things moving as the roving MC.

Nevertheless, "Dancing With the Stars" continues to create yawns and channel surfing. Oh for a rerun such as "Black Adder" or "Faulty Towers." "Dancing" has pretty much run out of football linesmen, Tucker Carson types and Drew Carey's permanent smile. So the show digs deeper into the archives and comes up with "has beens."  No names please. Why embarrass the lepers who still wear spats?

My tastes in music have turned to Germany. Helene Fischer headlines an hour every week in prime time on German TV, called DIE HELENE FISCHER SHOW. There are 5,000, rabid fans in the audience, 50 musicians in the orchestra and five million viewers. She herself sings magnificently. Helene is a stunning blonde with a sexy figure, striking gowns and only in her early 30's. Occasionally she sings duets with the likes of Andrea Bocelli, Michael Bolton and other top recording artists. Check the show out on YouTube.

Our grandson, Jalen, is only two years old and enjoys listening to classical music. Hardly any rock or rap ear breakers are tuned through the speakers in his room. He loves jazz and always begins to dance when I pound on the drums. Jalen too has learned to beat the drum and often trade fours (ask any hip musician).

Just for fun, I taught Jalen to answer a question in his high pitched little boy voice: "Is there hope?" and he shouts out, "Oh noooooo!" Recently, with his parents, Jenny and Jeff, they were all on vacation in Bethel, Maine and visited a local restaurant during "happy hour" with Jalen for dinner. The bar was filled with drinking age men and women and they responded "hi" in unison everytime Jalen greeted a new bar arrival with his "hi." It was all right out of "Cheers" or "Friends." So imagine the hilarity when he made his response to the question, "Is there hope?"

Sorry, for the last ramble. No I'm not. It was funny, wasn't it?

How Not To Save On Insurance Premiums For Life, Car and House.

I first got scammed by GEICO. They promised to lower my car insurance. I took the bait, filled in the blanks with all the information, such as age of auto, any accidents (none), mileage driven on average, VIN number. Then I waited while GEICO's robot (I'm going to step on that little green monster and crush out his miserable life. Because he tells nothing but lies). Anyhow, the report came back that I could save a few hundred dollars a month with GEICO. I entered a credit card for the first month's premium. Then, to my amazement, the cost of insurance would be thriee times what I was presently paying with Nationwide. Wow. What a scam. Say goodbye, and I did.

Then I see all the drop down ads for life insurance. (Why don't they realistically call it DEATH INSURANCE?) The ads are enticing, offering modest payments if you are in your 30's, or for your wife who is always younger than you are. But, what they don't tell you is that the initial bait to buy a policy is only good for five years; then the cost will double or triple. If you don't mind and can afford it, the cost for ten, twenty, or thirty years later will be astronomical. Again, walk away.

Obviously, all this "bait and switch" advertising is sweeping the internet. When you think you are getting something for free, and you only pay for handling and shipping, there are two scams at work: 1. the H and S cost is high enough to pay for the cost of the "free" item 2. the company has your credit or debit card and will bill you monthly for a two-figure amount until you cry "uncle" at the Attorney General's office for a refund.

So what's the moral to this rant? If it's too good to be true, it probably isn't true. And they've got what it takes to take what you've got. My final advise is to wise up and keep your money in your pocket, not theirs!!!

Why oh why did I ever leave Ohio?

National Geographic TV Channel has chosen ALAN ABEL, an author, composer, jazz drummer, lecturer, producer, media provocateur and actor. He will accept this honor in “The Numbers Game,” a new TV show produced by Travis Schoen.

During the 1950’s, after graduating from The Ohio State University, Abel began his acting career in New York City playing opposite Grace Kelly and Leslie Nielsen in the Armstrong Circle Theater Show, “Lover’s Leap,” on NBC-TV.

Then, as a media provocateur in 1960, he created a faux campaign to clothe all naked animals for the sake of decency. “The Great American Hoax” was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize and launched a billion-dollar industry for pet accessories.

During the 70’s, Abel produced the comedy movie, “Is There Sex After Death,” starring with Buck Henry (“The Graduate”) that received rave reviews. THE NEW YORK TIMES’ Vincent Canby said, “It’s funnier than any of the Woody Allen films.”

In the 80’s, he wrote a best-selling book, “Don’t Get Mad…Get Even” (W.W. Norton), and made news when he placed a fake official in the Super Bowl game between the Washington Redskins and the Miami Dolphins in 1983.

Abel’s television credits include TODAY, TONIGHT, GOOD MORNING AMERICA, SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE, 48 HOURS and 20/20. Also, his debate against boxing champion Sonny Liston, on “Kup’s TV Show” in Chicago, was a classic program, as was his interview with erudite Sir Stanley Unwin on the BBC-TV.

Presently, a leading Japanese rapper, Masaya Matsuura, is recording Alan Abel’s composition, “Tom Tom Foolery,” that he wrote for Kyoto Drummers. The award-winning documentary on his life, “Abel Raises Cain,” sold out a screening at the Goethe Institute in Amsterdam April 16, 2014.