Why Not Let Children Fight Wars?

Since most people agree that wars are childish, why not let children do the fighting? In time of war between two nations, we should send only ten, eleven and twelve year olds against the enemy's kids. By using toy tanks and guns firing streams of water, casualties would be kept low.

Youngsters love to fight. Allowing them to do the job adults detest would be a perfect solution to all future wars. Furthermore, it would cost a government very little to feed, clothe and arm these little warriors. They could fight for a whole day on nothing but hot dogs and peanut butter sandwiches. Their tiny uniforms would use half the material needed for men; and battery-operated weapons are available from China and Japan at dirt cheap prices.

First, we would have to establish a Junior Geneva Convention and introduce new Articles of War, excluding grownups from going into battle except as advisors or historians. As for the rules for fighting, any young soldier from either side who showed the whites of his eyes and heard "bang, bang you're dead" would be considered out of action and must return to school. Naturally the side with the most soldiers left wins the war and dictates surrender terms.

The well known TV Muppets would surely be willing to entertain the kids at the front, and I would also encourage the Girl Scouts to send their cuter members to play nurse and pass out free cookies. Those parents who conscientiously objected to having their boys fight could ask to have them assigned behind the battle lines with a Girl Scout troop. There, these wimps would wash dishes, pans and laundry.

After a war has been declared, I think the conflict should last at least thirteen weeks. This will make the sale of television rights to the battles more attractive to sponsors. And these profits would be split sixty per cent to the winning side, thirty per cent to the losers and ten per cent to the agents responsible for starting the war.

Now suppose for instance, American kids lost a war against the kids of India. In surrendering, they might have to give up several states such as Montana and Wyoming. But so what? There are plenty of people who would just as soon return to the forty-eight star flag. And besides, the United States will someday belong to our current crop of juveniles. So they might as well learn to be losers while they're young!

In addition to fighting global wars, children could turn their attention to internal problems that are too complex for adults to handle. Say the kids of the Daughters of the American Revolution had to take on the youngsters from the Ku Klux Klan, or the entire Civil War might be fought over again just to be sure about the outcome once and for all.

The United Nations would still police each country's regular kiddie army to make sure that no government secretly beefed up their fighting strength by drafting midgets. Then, using satellites and drones to keep an eye on the entire world, anything suspicious could be reported directly to the United Nations, and dealt with accordingly.

Once we let kids handle all wars, adults would never have to serve in the armed forces and the only problems left for world leaders would be racism, inflation, air and water pollution, overpopulation and weapons of mass destruction.