Back in the early 80's I received a phone call from one of the producers at CBS-TV News. He asked me to hurry down to CBS studios at 524 West 57th Street, and come prepared to audition four two-minute humorous monologues on camera in three hours. Also, don't worry about crossing the picket lines.
I came prepared. It seems as though the engineers were striking for more money and most CBS employees were ignoring their shouting picket lines. Except for Andy Rooney. He refused to video tape his closing commentary on "60 Minutes" that would air on the weekend, three days away. My long desired opportunity for some fame and a little fortune had now arrived.
When I approached the picket line, there were several dozen men and women marching on the sidewalk shouting naughty words about CBS and booing anyone who entered the building. Two NYPD police cars were parked nearby and four uniformed officers stood by silently watching. As I got out of the taxi, one man said loudly, "Hey, that's Alan Abel, the troublemaker hoaxer!" He also added that I shouldn't enter the building and have anything to do with the CBS motherfuckers. I just smiled and walked through the front door.
I was expected and ushered over to the elevator where an intern took me up to the studio. There, three cameras and crews were waiting for me. I sat in a canvas director's chair and heard the count down from ten. Then, "tape rolling" came out of the director's booth and I began to perform.
Was I nervous? Not a bit. At the age of 60 I had already done hundreds of interviews on both radio and television. I also spent six months in Chicago with my own nightly two-hour talk show for PLAYBOY during the 60's. I wasn't about to screw up this sudden opportunity!
Here are excerpts from the four monologues I taped:
1. All doctors should be forced by law to publish their medical school grade average in the telephone book. That way, we can tell the good ones from the bad. A doctor with an A+ after his name could certainly be trusted for your brain surgery. But the D minus medical man would only be trusted to remove a splinter.
2. Anyone weighing over 200 pounds must be fined for exhaling too much carbon dioxide, that creates air pollution. And when they sleep in hotel or motel beds, they leave a gully that causes guests to develop curvature of the spine.
3. The South African Medical Journal recently reported that one of their medical researchers has developed a hormone bone grower that can be used to extend a human's shoulder blades three feet.
This revolutionary drug will permit people to flap their blades and fly to and from work. No more expensive gas, traffic jams or truck fumes.
4. Bald headed advertising is a new way for selling products. For example, Avis tested 2,000 bald men in Denver, with AVIS stenciled on their foreheads, to sit at bus stops and stand at street light crossings. In one day Avis rented every single car they had available.
As I rattled off this diabribe I noticed news anchor Michele Marsh watching me intently. She was obviously trying to figure out who this verbal maniac was, reciting nonsense on camera. I hope somebody told her. Meantime, when Andy Rooney viewed my audition tape, after sneaking into the CBS building through a back door, he decided to cross the picket line. Oh well, once again that's showbiz.
No comments:
Post a Comment