How I Almost Left My Heart In Rio de Janeiro

     A few years ago, Eric Swensen, Senior Editor with W.W. Norton Publishing, called me to send an autographed copy of my book, "Don't Get Mad...Get Even," published by Norton, to Alan Gray. He was the son of L. Patrick Gray, former Director of the FBI under disgraced President Richard Nixon.
     Alan Gray was an attorney in private practice and he offered to exchange an unused round trip airline ticket from New York City to Rio de Janiero on TWA. I sent the autographed book to him and he sent me a voucher for the airline ticket that I was to sign and send back to TWA, which I did.
     I was very excited over this opportunity to visit Brazil for a few days and I brushed up on my Portuguese, with help from a neighbor who had lived in Rio de Janeiro for several years. She warned me to stay close to my hotel, walk around daylight hours and not at night.
     Apparently, robbers were everywhere and could spot a tourist in seconds. They worked as a team of three. One would offer to show you around, speaking broken English, another would accidently bump into you and the third robber grab your wallet on the run. The other two joined up down the road and they split the cash.
     "It happens all the time," she said, adding, "when my husband and I lived there we always walked in public with others as a group. And this procedure discouraged the culprits from approaching any of us. We never really felt safe, always on guard against thieves."
     I had my hotel reservation for three nights in downtown Rio de Janeiro, could speak a few sentences in Portuguese for ordering food, saying "hello, thanks and goodby." Then I waited patiently for TWA to send me the airline ticket.
     A week went by, then another week and a third. I called TWA and they said they had mailed the ticket two weeks ago. Not to me, as requested, but to Alan Gray in error. My call to Gray's office was answered by his secretary. She said he was vacationing in Rio de Janeiro!
     I was very upset over this betrayal. My subsequent bill to Gray for the book was ignored. Nor was there a word of apology. Perhaps I could have gone to Small Claims Court and sued for breach of contract. But my attorney friend, Bob Schwartz, advised me to forget the matter and bite the bullet.
     This is how I almost left my heart in Rio de Janeiro. It's difficult to forgive and forget. Even while I watch two weeks of exciting Olympics on television, with my wallet securely hidden in my rear button down pocket.

Where Is Jeff Bezos Hiding?

     I've been trying to reach Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon.com, via snail mail. My third letter has also been returned to me, "RETURN TO SENDER. UNABLE TO DELIVER AS ADDRESSED AND UNABLE TO FORWARD."
     Now that is a rude way to react to a good customer for the past fifteen years. Why is he hiding from the Post Office? His address is clearly published on the Internet, the marketplace where Jeffy makes his millions every month. Yes, I mean every month, not year. Maybe that's why he is hiding.
     This is all very perplexing to me. Not even Dan, my postal executive with the Post Office can tell me anything. He is happy to just sell me stamps, now three of those little buggers for 49 cents each. At least they are FOREVER; i.e. I don't have to worry about not having enough postage for First Class mailings, even ten years down the road.
     Perhaps Jeff Bezos has this faux address (1200  12th Avenue, Seattle, WA 98144) to discourage fans seeking autographs or other favors. Women would obviously be offering "special services" for books, if he accepted their letters. And potential kidnappers will definitely have a tough time capturing their victim.
     If anyone has a clue how I can find Jiff Bezos, I would appreciate knowing. I can offer as a reward, an autographed copy of my last book (and it was). Just don't play games with me. And don't even think of hoaxing me. I have perceptive powers, better than a lazer beam, that can zero in on you, in retaliation of course, and tickle your butt uncontrollably for hours.
     Several years ago, Mark Zuckerberg was on "60 Minutes") and he said openly, before at least fifteen million viewers, that he walked to work from his home to his office. WOW! No security guards, friends, relatives or police escort for him. No, he does it alone, thumbing his nose at all the dysfunctional people jerking off and planning an illegal crime. Such as kidnapping.
     I have correspondence with people in very high places: Frank Sinatra, Princess Grace, Walter Winchell, Ed Sullivan, Jack Paar, Mario Lanza, Roger Ailes, Richard Nixon (I was even invited to the White House) and many others. They all have one thing in common. They are all dead.
     Obviously, I can hide behind the Fifth Amendment if accused of anything. Maybe not murder. Hmmmmm. Never mind that last comment. Just contact me on FACEBOOK if you find Jeff Bezos or maybe Waldo. You get the reward for him too. Plus I'll keep all the royalties, thank you.

SELECT QUOTE GETS MY NO VOTE!

     Select Quote advertises heavily that you, AND I MEAN YOU, can get $500,000 for only $13.00 a month. Yes, that's all you pay for the first month and you better be in perfect health and under 35 years of age. If you are older than 85 years, forget it. A sign of one of the telephone and internet desk reads: DEEP SIX THE LEPERS.
     Select Quote seeks a company or two for selling SUCKER YOU a policy. It's smooth sailing for a few months, probably six months, and then your premium rate is doubled. At the end of a year it is three and four times the amount your last month's premium was. And everybody on the other end profits except you. Even if you die young there is small print in the policy that nobody reads and denies you the full amount of your policy.
     So let's talk about Highway Robbery.  On second thought let's not. Just stay away from SELECT QUOTE and you'll live happily ever after.  BTW I just celebrated my 92nd birthday!  No insurance necessary.

Why Do Bonanza And Peter Pan Bus Companies Stink?

     Well, first of all their toilets are just holes in a shell and smell to high hell. Like somebody who had diarrhea and stomach ulcers puked in the hole months ago and spread the stink forever. It will never smell good. Just ask the company CEO, Peter J. Pickanilly. With a name like that he must be voting for Donald Trump.
     I made four tries to make a round trip ticket purchase on line from Southbury, CT to New York City. In an hour and 45 minutes I managed to print three round trip tickets for my wife and I that were not readable. A third printing of the six pages necessary stated incorrect prices, and a questionable service fee of $8.
     My next move will be Small Claims Court in New Haven, CT. My attorney advised this move and suggested I file for the maximum, $5,000. Both bus companies have attorneys on staff salaries and will want to settle for half the maximum, $2,500. I accept $3,000 maybe. It depends on their attitude in court. I've been an active pro se for the past fifty years in New York City courts, and I know how to play devil's advocate in order to win.
     Unfortunately, both Peter Pan and Bonanza have a strangle hold on people traveling on their respective lines. Because there is no other way to go between most of the New England cities unless you drive or hitch hike. RR lines are restricted to Hartford, Boston, Danbury and New Haven. The early railroad builders only had horse and buggy competition. "The Iron Horse" wasn't that big a threat yet.
     With all the electoral bruhaha raging before Election Day, on November 8th, that would be a good time for voters to clean both houses of Congress for new and feisty Congressmen and Congresswomen who will serve the public properly. That could happen, especially now that Donald Trump has both feet in big mouth.