Call your doctor immediately!

     I think we all hate the overuse of ads with disclaimers, on both radio, TV and computer screens, that shout, "CALL YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!' Followed by the following reasons and my solutions:
1. You have an erection more than four hours.    (Call three more women to come over)
2. You feel faint when standing up.  (Sit down, stupid)
3. Your nose begins to bleed. (Pinch the bridge of your nose, lean forward and wait. It will stop.)
4. Don't operate any heavy machinery. (Well, what do I tell my kids we can't ride my forklift?)
5. You feel like throwing up. (Just shut up and do it.)
6. Your temperature is sky high. (Take an aspirin and lay down with a cold rag on your forehead)
7. You have a bad case of diarrhea. (Get your ass to the bathroom and sit on the toilet)
8. You have a splitting headache and your stomach is about to explode. (Call 911)
9. Your feet are freezing and you are shaking violently. (Sit in a hot tub of water and pray)
10. You feel like a leper, taking pill after pill, and are 89 years old. (It's time to go. Say goodby and die)
     There are so many other sordid side effects from taking these drugs with fancy names that only a doctor or RN can interpret. Don't even try to understand  the terrible side effects, so that you might become paralyzed, blind or die. That's the name of the game for drug companies to profit millions and billions of dollars.
     Dr. Charles A. Crown is a retired internist from New Canaan,CT who has a marvelous avocation playing ragtime jazz piano. I played drums and we often entertained the residents of The Waveny Center for Altheimer patents in that community. He had treated many of these senior citizens and they always greeted him with a friendly hug of appreciation.
     I once asked Dr. Crown what his attitude was when a patient died. He responded quietly, "Well, it's a sad occasion of course. But then he or she will never have chills, pills, bills or other ills. They are at peace with a former painful life." Hmmmmmm. It's nice to know that, isn't it?
     Finally, don't even think about calling your doctor in an emergency situation. You'll only get a recorded message with a menu of options: "Press one if you are a physician, press two if you need a prescription filled, press three if you are a drug salesman, press four if you wish to make an appointment, press five if you want to leave a message and press six to speak with the receptionist. Otherwise, have a nice day and try not to bother us again. We're terribly busy placing patients in our twelve cubicles. Waiting time for a doctor is generally twenty minutes. Much more if he or she is late returning from the golf course."