A Plan To Embarrass Donald Sterling

THE KKK SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA

(SCENARIO)

This is a satire designed to spoof the present NBA bruhaha over Donald Sterling’s racist remarks that continue to reverberate around the world in the media. In addition to his harsh banishment from basketball, and the $2.5 million fine, he needs a healthy kick in the behind. With embarrassment and underlying humor.

The KKK Symphony Orchestra LP will both illuminate and then deflate Sterling’s pompous and outrageous behavior. Especially when he is publicly invited to conduct a Children’s Concert by the KKK Symphony Orchestra during the summer of 2014 in New York City’s Central Park. Complete with fireworks afterwards.

(PRODUCTION)

The orchestra consists of 25 professional musicians in a recording studio. They play a series of Negro Spirituals out of tune and out of rhythm. The conductor speaks with a German accent and is ruthless as he starts and stops the music. There are gun shots as he executes key players: “Oboe player. You made a mistake. Say goodby (GUN SHOT). Flute player. You can play the oboe music because it’s in concert key. I will not allow any transposing in the KKK SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.”

This musical nonsense will also include a variety of percussion sounds…tambourines, wood block, cowbell, claves, timbales, chimes, bells, xylophone, marimba, gong, triangle, snare drum, bass drum, cymbals and slapstick. All in the spirit of Spike Jones (circa 1944) who entertained millions with his musical comedy hijinks.

On the LP cover, musicians are wearing KKK robes rather than tuxes. The liner notes describe “a kinder, gentler Klan with music to soothe the savage breast.” Also, faux bios on the musicians provide guffaws: “Izzy Goldstein, concertmaster, was recently fired from a major symphony when he was discovered selling cocaine out of his violin case. And George Lincoln Washington, principal bass, formerly sat on the bench of an NBA basketball team for three years before being noticed and dropped from the roster.”

(PROMOTION AND DISTRIBUTION)

Only 200 copies of the KKK SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA LP will be produced and mailed to major media organizations worldwide. However, a website will solicit orders @$19.95 plus handling and shipping. A sample trailer reveals the satire. An offer for distribution, with a substantial advance, is to be explored.

(BUDGET)

25 Musicians @ $400
$10,000

4 hrs. studio + editing
$5,000

Photos, robes, liner notes, 200 LPs, website, postage via priority mail
$7,500

Two Prods. Assistants @ $500 a wk. for 2 wks + $500 for expenses
$2,500

Contingency (20%) Legal contracts, Union fees, Licensing, etc.
$5,000

GRAND TOTAL
$30,000

How To Acquire A Charming Roommate

     My friend George was an artist with a pre-war apartment on the upper westside of New York City during the 60's. It was three rooms with 12 foot ceilings, only $200 a month, including electricity and hot water. Pets allow and George had a cat. But he really wanted an attractive young lady as a roommate and to share the rent.
     I suggested he place an ad in the VILLAGE VOICE as follows:  ROOMMATE WANTED.  Prefer young lady in her 20's without hangups, no pets and one suitcase. $100 a month to share the rent. I work days and only come home to sleep with my cat. No drugs or booze allowed. Call this number after 7 pm.
     George received several dozen calls and spent a weekend holding interviews. He narrowed the potential roommates to 4 who fit his scheme for an attractive roommate and finally chose Emily. She was vivacious, a dancer from Ohio studying ballet in New York and was financed by her parents. Perfect. She moved in the next day. Emily had been living in the Barbizon Hotel for Women and it was overcrowded with unhappy females.
     Emily like to cook and her schedule permitted her to prepare their dinners together. They became like a brother and sister. Within three months she was ready to move out. Emily fell in love with another dancer and they were both gay.
     George was devestated and wanted another roommate. But he didn't want to go through a similar advertising and audition campaign. Did I have another method in mind? Yes I did. He should pretend to be a reporter seeking a story from an attractive young lady sitting on one of the many benches in Central Park.
     He was good at this charade. Notepad in hand, George strolled around the park and located a few girls sitting alone. It took only three interviews and he found another roommate. This one was a charming blonde studying cello at the Juilliard School of Music. Marsha promised to practice only when George was away and could easily handle the rent.
     She had her own bedroom and they occasionally collided at the bathroom door. Marsha had many rehearsals and lessons, so her day ended around 10 pm at night. No chance for dinners together. But she was sexy, they were attracted to one another and there were many weekends in bed together having sex.
     Marsha soon found another lover at school. He was a trumpet major and had a fantastic triple tongue technique when going down on her. She moved in with Hector after six months. George was sad to see her go. But that's live. Back to the drawing board. More ads, more auditions and interviews in Central Park.
     George had a day job with a research company and they offered him a transfer to their London office. That was the last I heard from him. He literally dropped out of my life. I have had several dozen friends like this. For example, the last time I saw Robert Downey, Sr. was in 1981 when I was performing in my one-man show off-Broadway, "Jester At Large."  He attended with his young son, Robert Downey, Jr.
     Fast forward to 2011. Robert, Sr. called from New York City where he was living with his third wife, Rosemary. His offer to have lunch was fulfilled and we picked up the conversation from 30 years ago like it was yesterday. Bob did a lot of bragging about trials and tribulations of Bobby, Jr. that finally led to his being the highest paid actor in Hollywood. And of course Bob picked up the check.

Andy Rooney, R.I.P.

     Back in the early 80's I received a phone call from one of the producers at CBS-TV News. He asked me to hurry down to CBS studios at 524 West 57th Street, and come prepared to audition four two-minute humorous monologues on camera in three hours. Also, don't worry about crossing the picket lines.
     I came prepared. It seems as though the engineers were striking for more money and most CBS employees were ignoring their shouting picket lines. Except for Andy Rooney. He refused to video tape his closing commentary on "60 Minutes" that would air on the weekend, three days away. My long desired opportunity for some fame and a little fortune had now arrived.
     When I approached the picket line, there were several dozen men and women marching on the sidewalk shouting naughty  words about CBS and booing anyone who entered the building. Two NYPD police cars were parked nearby and four uniformed officers stood by silently watching. As I got out of the taxi, one man said loudly, "Hey, that's Alan Abel, the troublemaker hoaxer!" He also added that I shouldn't enter the building and have anything to do with the CBS motherfuckers. I just smiled and walked through the front door.
     I was expected and ushered over to the elevator where an intern took me up to the studio. There, three cameras and crews were waiting for me. I sat in a canvas director's chair and heard the count down from ten. Then, "tape rolling" came out of the director's booth and I began to perform.
     Was I nervous? Not a bit. At the age of 60 I had already done hundreds of interviews on both radio and television. I also spent six months in Chicago with my own nightly two-hour talk show for PLAYBOY during the 60's. I wasn't about to screw up this sudden opportunity!
     Here are excerpts from the four monologues I taped:

1.  All doctors should be forced by law to publish their medical school grade average in the telephone book. That way, we can tell the good ones from the bad. A doctor with an A+ after his name could certainly be trusted for your brain surgery. But the D minus medical man would only be trusted to remove a splinter.

2.  Anyone weighing over 200 pounds must be fined for exhaling too much carbon dioxide, that creates air pollution. And when they sleep in hotel or motel beds, they leave a gully that causes guests to develop curvature of the spine.

3. The South African Medical Journal recently reported that one of their medical researchers has developed a hormone bone grower that can be used to extend a human's shoulder blades three feet.
This revolutionary drug will permit people to flap their blades and fly to and from work. No more expensive gas, traffic jams or truck fumes.

4.  Bald headed advertising is a new way for selling products. For example, Avis tested 2,000 bald men in Denver, with AVIS stenciled on their foreheads, to sit at bus stops and stand at street light crossings. In one day Avis rented every single car they had available.

     As I rattled off this diabribe I noticed news anchor Michele Marsh watching me intently. She was obviously trying to figure out who this verbal maniac was, reciting nonsense on camera. I hope somebody told her. Meantime, when Andy Rooney viewed my audition tape, after sneaking into the CBS building through a back door, he decided to cross the picket line. Oh well, once again that's showbiz.