My Political Career

      When Rep.  Stewart B. McKinney died from AIDS in 1988 he had three months left in his office term.  The State of Connecticut announced a special election and Christopher Shays, a Republican,  was the first to sign in. I was the second, as an independent write-in candidate.
     There were also several others climbing aboard the bandwagon. But Shays and I ruled the media’s coverage.  He had $200,000 and 200 staff members with as many telephones. I had $20,000 and 20 team members, all college age. My headquarters was the 1911 Duluth, Winnepeg & Pacific caboose in our backyard with one telephone and piles of campaign literature.
     The only political experience I had dated back to 1945 when I spent an hour in the House of Representatives as a Washington tourist.  There were about twenty Representatives present, taking turns at the lectern to defend or protest some sort of water conservation bill before Congress. Vice-President Harry S. Truman, as Speaker of the House, sat high above the assembly with his feet on his desk! And he was reading a LIFE Magazine throughout the hour!
     Fast forward forty-three years and here I was, throwing my hat into the political ring. On second thought, this was really going to be my second experience with politics. In 1964 I served as campaign manager for Mrs. Yetta Bronstein, independent candidate for President of the United States with a great slogan, “Vote for Yetta and Things Will Get Betta.”
     Although that was all in fun, and Yetta lost by a landslide, she did get more write-in votes that Mickey Mouse or Johnny Carson. Her competition was Barry Goldwater and Lyndon Johnson. Newsmen David Brinkley and Chet Huntley adopted Mrs. Bronstein as their favorite (tongue-in-cheek of course) on nightly television broadcasts from Convention headquarters in Atla ntic City.
     My wife Jeanne, a superb actress with multiple character voices, looked more like Natalie Wood than a Jewish housewife with fallen arches from the Bronx. So she stayed out of sight, only did interviews by phone and allowed me to take the heat up front. I always explained to reporters that Mrs. Bronstein was in Israel planting a tree.
     The student body at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore extended an invitation for her to visit the campus and speak. I accepted in her name, as campaign manager, and took the train on the appointed day. At the Baltimore station there were several hundred students waiting with campaign signs bearing Yetta’s slogan, a marching band playing “There’ll Be a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight,”  and Milton Eisenhower, President of the University!
     I spoke to the crowd and there was great disappointment over Yetta’s absence. But I managed to charm them with her platform that included: lowering all sidewalk curbs for baby carriages and senior citizens;  putting Jayne Mansfield’s nude photo on postage stamps; truth serum in the Senate drinking fountain; a chicken in everyone’s pot and other humorous planks.
     When the NEW YORK TIMES called to publish a story on Mrs. Bronstein, they insisted she appear for the photographer forthwith. They had a deadline with their Sunday Magazine going to press the next day. So Jeanne and I decided to make an appearance and take our chances on an expose.
     We met photographer Sam Falk in Central Park, I carried a campaign sign and Jeanne wore a huge red, white and blue crape paper button that said VOTE FOR YETTA BRONSTEIN. Falk never batted an eyelash as he shot several rolls of film of us walking around with dozens strangers attracted to the scene. Jeanne, 27 years old, wore an attractive dress and displayed her long blonde hair. And that’s the way she appeared in the TIMES several weeks later, as Mrs. Yetta Bronstein, along with a story on her campaign.
     Subsequently, the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS revealed the hoax. Their feature story showed Jeanne riding her bicycle and a humorous story brought down the curtain on this four-year scenario. She received an offer from Hawthorn Books to write “The President I Almost Was” and completed a manuscript in six weeks of frenetic writing. Avon Books paid $60,000 for the paperback rights and Peter Wolfe Ltd. Published an English edition.
     Cassandra, the British book critic, said “The President I Almost Was” is the best American satire since Sinclair Lewis’ ‘Babbitt.’”  There was also some flirtation with Broadway producers for a stage play, including  Jewish actress Gertrude Berg. Unfortunately, she passed away before anything materialized.
     Now, back to the future. I had a ball with my student campaigners when I ran for Congress in 1988, during a month of traveling around the state. We had four cars and concentrated our efforts in Stamford, New Haven and Hartford. As a political candidate there was never a problem with police permits or using a bull horn in downtown areas. The cops were very obliging in allowing us to take over public malls and parks.
     I also made a trip to Washington with several of my supporters to measure McKinney’s office. That was for the purpose of redecorating in case I won. No problem obtaining access, taking photos and measurements. Imagine attempting this sort of feat following 9/11 and the Homeland Security ring around Washington.
     On election night we all waited in the caboose for results and it soon became apparent that Christopher Shays would win hands down. My supporters gradually but sadly said their goodbyes and they really believed I had a chance. The youngest member, Gary Schwartz, a high school senior, was quite upset and suggested I demand a recount of votes. I assured him it was all over and the best man won.
     By the way, if I did win, my first official act in office would be to resign.

WHY AMAZON.COM SUCKS!

     I just spent an hour trying to order a used book, BLESS YOUR STRESS by Mimi Donaldson. There were 44 used copies, a number of them only $.01, plus $4 for SHIPPING AND HANDLING. What a ripoff the latter is! I can have a friend in Seattle go to a amazon.com WEREWOLF Warehouse, pay for a good used paperback copy and deliver to me on his next trip to New York City.
     Jeff Bezoar (that's my name for him; look it up), is making millions on his ripping off the public. Perhaps our new government under Herr Trump will slap him with a RICO; i.e. unless His Royal Highness, a'k/a known as "The Dictator," is impeached under the same statute for the TRUMP UNIVERSITY fraud he committed.
     But, back to my book order. I forgot my new password to amazon.com, although I 've ordered a number of books over the past 20 years and changed my password many times. I had to. A hacker had tried to use my debit card with amazon.card, they had on file, and was unsuccessful because he couldn't remember the name of my first pet. (No, you don't get his name here either!)
     The hacker emailed me from his hotel in London, desperate for funds to pay the bill and buy an airline ticket home to the USA. He had information about my family to corroborate his friendship. I took the bait and sent him $2 via Western Union. They never reveal how much money is waiting for the recipient. When he showed up at WU in London, M15 officers and INTERPOL nabbed him.
     Anyhow, about the book I tried to order online. Since I couldn't remember my current password, somebody at amazon.com emailed me a new code in numbers as my temporary password. I also had to print a series of numbers and letters in a Captcha (Gotcha?), to prove I wasn't a robot. My entries on the latter failed eight times! What goes? I might seem like a dummy but I'm not a moron.
     I've given up ordering this book. I think I hate it anyhow. That's my stress. Now I can't solve it with the book. Too bad. That's why amazon.com sucks. Thanks for reading this blog and take your reading orders to abebooks.com  They are much more reliable and agreeable.

The Best Damn Band In The Land!

     The best damn band in the land (a/k/aTBDBITL) is The Ohio State University Marching Band, 200 members strong, and all brass instruments. Their uniforms haven't changed in over a hundred years, nor has their marching tempo of 180 beats per minute. And every half-time show during football games has the tuba player dotting the i after one of their letter formations.
     OSU was my alma mater and I enjoyed sitting in the stands during every home game, and once in Ann Arbor, Michigan, during my four college years. As a drummer in the concert band and President of the Jazz Forum on campus with weekly jam sessions, I did not want to march fast with a heavy street drum strapped to my left leg. No way Jose!
     But I did compose one composition for TBDBITL, "Serenade To A Sand Dune," that featured dancing drummers whirling around to a Latin-Mambo melody. The 90 thousand spectators applauded, cheered and shouted "one more time!" So conductor Dr. Jack Evans repeated the three minute extravaganza, again to an overwhelming response from the audience.
     Meantime, the 40 football players waiting in the tunnel to run out for the second half game against Illinois, ran by the clock and led by coach Woody Hays. But they had to halt because TBDBITL was playing my song for the second time! So they waited fuming at the front of the tunnel, while  Coach Hays, furious,  demanded to know who was responsible for this debacle.
     All this time I was watching the game from the press box, thanks to bandleader Evans, and afterwards Woody Hays came storming up the steps to the press box shouting, "where is Alan Abel! I want to kick his ass for spoiling the team's entrance for the second half!" I heard his shout out in time to quickly jump into the clothes closet. All the reporters played dumb and said I wasn't around. Hays left in a huff. I did not relish the idea of trading blows with his linebacker body. Whew!  Saved by the bell.
     So what is the point of this blog? Well, Im complaining about the lack of half-time band shows during televised football games. The entire ten minutes is devoted to commercials and more commercials. Why? Because money talks, B.S. walks. One would think that colleges and the NFLmake enough money with ticket sales, overpriced hotdogs and beer plus parking fees. It's the greed factor, folks. Think about it and complain. But don't anticipate any changes. Sorry.
    

IF DONALD TRUMP WINS THE ELECTION ………..

     Bet your money for total chaos in America. A few million people would be without jobs as their employers depart the USA for China, Japan and Taiwan. Thousands of homeless families would overwhelm all government resources for help. They will have to be located in empty schools to live, shut down because teachers can all find better employment in Canada, England and even Mexico. Students must be home schooled.

     Trump remains secluded in the White House, fully surrounded by a 12-foot steel wall, paralyzed with fear over the enormity of his job as President. The Vice-President has already been indicted, charged with taking enormous bribes in cash from builders and contractors. His weekly take makes Spero Agnew seem like a street panhandler.

     Attorney General Christi has his hands full with thousands of lawsuits against Trump’s Taj Mahal Casino, Mar-A-Lago in Florida, Trump Tower and his AIR FORCE ONE airplane. The latter because the painter hasn’t been paid for the letters. There are so many vets camped in Lafayette Park, across from the White House, both McDonalds and Wendys have fast food trailers there.

     Christi was recently hospitalized for Mad Cow Disease after kissing so many asses.  He was also treated for PTSD  when Trump appointed Don Rickles to fill the empty chair on the Supreme Court, and made Sarah Palin Secretary of the Treasury.

     The Washington Monument Plaza is the camping site for 10,000 women, all members of  WRAG (Women Raped And Groped). They are protesting the President for his behavior. Especially since he hired Monica Lewinsky as his personal secretary.

     The only decent activity the President performed is his pardon for Roman Polanski to return to America. Rudy Giuliani has been appointed Ambassador to England and Wolf Blitzer Ambassador to Haiti, since he speaks Creole when reporting the news.

     Only one camera is allowed at a White House news conference (CNN) as the official media outlet, to be held monthly for ten minutes. No other reporters are to be allowed near the White House and a Restraining Order keeps them 150 feet away. The latter for their safety because the metal fence is electrified. Everyday, workmen have to bag and discard hundreds of dead pigeons.

     Kim Jung-un and Bashar al-Assad are presently overnight guests of President Trump.  Dennis Rodman has been hired as a salad chef in the White House kitchen

and  Magic Johnson is the new Secretary of State.

     Otherwise, 200 million Americans have migrated to Canada, welcomed by PM Justin Trudeau. They had to abandon their homes, especially after Social Security was terminated and pension funds going bankrupt. Obamacare evaporated too.

     There was one consolation: living in America had been better than than living in North Korea or Syria.

      

Electoral College Test For Voters

                   ELECTORAL COLLEGE TEST FOR VOTERS

1.    Did you ever smoke, snort, chew or swallow illegal substances?__________

2.    Have you ever groped a pussy for sexual pleasure?___________

3.     Did you ever fondle a penis for sexual pleasure?___________

4.    Have you ever squeezed a testicle for pleasure or pain?____________

5.    Did you tell a lie recently?__________

6.    If someone called you a dummy, would you hit him/her?

7.    Where?____________________

8.    Do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky “Louieville” or “Louisville?”

9.    Hey dummy, haven’t you heard of Frankfort,KY?__________        

10  True or False:  Castration is a form of government in Cuba:________

11.  Do you suffer from indecision?______YES_____NO____MAYBE

12. Within the pecking order of your life, do you consider yourself a small pecker, a medium pecker or a big pecker?_____________

13. Are you aware that Donald Trump’s halo is only inches away from being a noose?____________

14. Have you ever taken paper clips, rubber bands or erasers home from the office? _______

15. Did you report this booty on your income tax return?______

16. Why not?_____________________________________________________

17. Are you ready to be incarcerated or deported?________

18. How about Alcatraz or Mexico?___________________

WHY DO JEOPARDY AND WHEEL OF FORTUNE EVADE TAXES?

     Both of these TV programs are gambling with money. Lots of it. Merv Griffin created the programs many years ago and his estate earns trillions in royalties, through licensing fees worldwide. But in the USA their use of wagering (a/k/a gambling) somehow avoids taxation.

     Contestants on both shows can earn thousands of dollars, which is taxable, as is Jeopardy  MC Alex Trebeck’s six figure salary. The networks that syndicate these two shows pay millions to the owners, probably Griffin family members or whoever has a stake in the heart of some relative.

     Somewhere along the way, while Griffin was alive, he might have sold portions of the programs to investors who speculate in such investments. For example, when opera singer Mario Lanza was desperate for funds, he sold his record royalties to his manager for $25,000. Those recordings sold millions of copies for many years, and still do.

     1 met his son sixteen years ago and he said none of Lanza’s offspring received a dime from the millions being paid to the manager in perpetuity. As a result, the MARIO LANZA MUSEUM in Philadelphia is just a room in a brownstone. What a disgrace to this great singer’s legacy!

     Vana White and Pat Sajack are the titular stars of Wheel of Fortune. Vana has a lovely face, a sexy torso and the legs of a race horse. Pat is an attractive MC and looks 30 younger than he really is. They have both been doing the show for at least four decades and ABC-TV pays them a fortune for headlining this TV gambling enterprise.

    I wonder why the US Treasury Department hasn't required ABC-TV to display the standard $50  tax fee for sponsoring a gambling operation? That badge of dishonor is often seen on the door window of a house where the residents host a weekly poker game party. And money exchanges hands. Legally.

     Perhaps someone from the IRS will read this blog and files a claim with ABC-TV for a full field audit by government accountants. That move could reveal the trillions of unpaid taxes and papers filed in court to demand payment or else. 

     I don't think any major corporation wants the IRS in hot pursuit of their assets. Especially in this election year. Hear Hear Donald Trump. Show us your taxes! 

All Right PCH, You Win. I'll Take The Money And Run!

  I received an important snail mail letter from PCH claiming I was now in the winner's circle. When I was urged to buy something, anything.....however, a purchase would not increase my chances for becoming the GREAT GRAND SUPER WONDERFUL UNBELIEVABLE FANTASTIC JACKPOT PRIZE OF $7,000 a week for life winner. I decided to go wild.
     First, I took ten strangers on the street to a chicken dinner at KFC . They were all delighted and quite hungry, to a total tune of $167.80. But, what the hell, I'm in the winner's circle with a letter of confirmation. What more do I need to know that I'm a sure fire winner? Maybe I better buy something from PCH, for insurance.
     O.K. I'll send for a shoe horn, a baby screw driver and a nail clipper. Total cost, including handling and shipping $14.58. Not a bad investment for the kind of annuity I'll be receiving for the rest of my life!
     I'm going to spend more money until PCH's team shows up at my door with a Brink's truck, a marching band and hundreds of balloons on October 21st. Until then my plan is simple: spend as much as I can without any contrition. I'll have to take out a bank loan, of course, for $100,000, and my banker assures me I have enough in assets to serve as collateral.
     I already have my bucket list of things to buy, places to visit, people to reward and parties to attract new friends. The first party will be to celebrate my birthday(please don't ask how old I am; I'll only admit that I'm old enough to know better.) There will be a sitdown dinner for 40 of my friends, catered by a gourmet chef. I'll also invite Dr. Oz, in case anyone gets sick and requires expert treatment.
     Finally, if any of you folks reading this blog are naive enough to think that I might throw a few thousand your way, forget it. Because money talks and bull shit walks. I might take you to dinner. But that's about it.
     To celebrate my big win, let's all hum "In a country garden by Percy Granger" while we exercise our sphincter muscles. A one and a two.............