The Best Damn Band In The Land!

     The best damn band in the land (a/k/aTBDBITL) is The Ohio State University Marching Band, 200 members strong, and all brass instruments. Their uniforms haven't changed in over a hundred years, nor has their marching tempo of 180 beats per minute. And every half-time show during football games has the tuba player dotting the i after one of their letter formations.
     OSU was my alma mater and I enjoyed sitting in the stands during every home game, and once in Ann Arbor, Michigan, during my four college years. As a drummer in the concert band and President of the Jazz Forum on campus with weekly jam sessions, I did not want to march fast with a heavy street drum strapped to my left leg. No way Jose!
     But I did compose one composition for TBDBITL, "Serenade To A Sand Dune," that featured dancing drummers whirling around to a Latin-Mambo melody. The 90 thousand spectators applauded, cheered and shouted "one more time!" So conductor Dr. Jack Evans repeated the three minute extravaganza, again to an overwhelming response from the audience.
     Meantime, the 40 football players waiting in the tunnel to run out for the second half game against Illinois, ran by the clock and led by coach Woody Hays. But they had to halt because TBDBITL was playing my song for the second time! So they waited fuming at the front of the tunnel, while  Coach Hays, furious,  demanded to know who was responsible for this debacle.
     All this time I was watching the game from the press box, thanks to bandleader Evans, and afterwards Woody Hays came storming up the steps to the press box shouting, "where is Alan Abel! I want to kick his ass for spoiling the team's entrance for the second half!" I heard his shout out in time to quickly jump into the clothes closet. All the reporters played dumb and said I wasn't around. Hays left in a huff. I did not relish the idea of trading blows with his linebacker body. Whew!  Saved by the bell.
     So what is the point of this blog? Well, Im complaining about the lack of half-time band shows during televised football games. The entire ten minutes is devoted to commercials and more commercials. Why? Because money talks, B.S. walks. One would think that colleges and the NFLmake enough money with ticket sales, overpriced hotdogs and beer plus parking fees. It's the greed factor, folks. Think about it and complain. But don't anticipate any changes. Sorry.
    

IF DONALD TRUMP WINS THE ELECTION ………..

     Bet your money for total chaos in America. A few million people would be without jobs as their employers depart the USA for China, Japan and Taiwan. Thousands of homeless families would overwhelm all government resources for help. They will have to be located in empty schools to live, shut down because teachers can all find better employment in Canada, England and even Mexico. Students must be home schooled.

     Trump remains secluded in the White House, fully surrounded by a 12-foot steel wall, paralyzed with fear over the enormity of his job as President. The Vice-President has already been indicted, charged with taking enormous bribes in cash from builders and contractors. His weekly take makes Spero Agnew seem like a street panhandler.

     Attorney General Christi has his hands full with thousands of lawsuits against Trump’s Taj Mahal Casino, Mar-A-Lago in Florida, Trump Tower and his AIR FORCE ONE airplane. The latter because the painter hasn’t been paid for the letters. There are so many vets camped in Lafayette Park, across from the White House, both McDonalds and Wendys have fast food trailers there.

     Christi was recently hospitalized for Mad Cow Disease after kissing so many asses.  He was also treated for PTSD  when Trump appointed Don Rickles to fill the empty chair on the Supreme Court, and made Sarah Palin Secretary of the Treasury.

     The Washington Monument Plaza is the camping site for 10,000 women, all members of  WRAG (Women Raped And Groped). They are protesting the President for his behavior. Especially since he hired Monica Lewinsky as his personal secretary.

     The only decent activity the President performed is his pardon for Roman Polanski to return to America. Rudy Giuliani has been appointed Ambassador to England and Wolf Blitzer Ambassador to Haiti, since he speaks Creole when reporting the news.

     Only one camera is allowed at a White House news conference (CNN) as the official media outlet, to be held monthly for ten minutes. No other reporters are to be allowed near the White House and a Restraining Order keeps them 150 feet away. The latter for their safety because the metal fence is electrified. Everyday, workmen have to bag and discard hundreds of dead pigeons.

     Kim Jung-un and Bashar al-Assad are presently overnight guests of President Trump.  Dennis Rodman has been hired as a salad chef in the White House kitchen

and  Magic Johnson is the new Secretary of State.

     Otherwise, 200 million Americans have migrated to Canada, welcomed by PM Justin Trudeau. They had to abandon their homes, especially after Social Security was terminated and pension funds going bankrupt. Obamacare evaporated too.

     There was one consolation: living in America had been better than than living in North Korea or Syria.

      

Electoral College Test For Voters

                   ELECTORAL COLLEGE TEST FOR VOTERS

1.    Did you ever smoke, snort, chew or swallow illegal substances?__________

2.    Have you ever groped a pussy for sexual pleasure?___________

3.     Did you ever fondle a penis for sexual pleasure?___________

4.    Have you ever squeezed a testicle for pleasure or pain?____________

5.    Did you tell a lie recently?__________

6.    If someone called you a dummy, would you hit him/her?

7.    Where?____________________

8.    Do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky “Louieville” or “Louisville?”

9.    Hey dummy, haven’t you heard of Frankfort,KY?__________        

10  True or False:  Castration is a form of government in Cuba:________

11.  Do you suffer from indecision?______YES_____NO____MAYBE

12. Within the pecking order of your life, do you consider yourself a small pecker, a medium pecker or a big pecker?_____________

13. Are you aware that Donald Trump’s halo is only inches away from being a noose?____________

14. Have you ever taken paper clips, rubber bands or erasers home from the office? _______

15. Did you report this booty on your income tax return?______

16. Why not?_____________________________________________________

17. Are you ready to be incarcerated or deported?________

18. How about Alcatraz or Mexico?___________________

WHY DO JEOPARDY AND WHEEL OF FORTUNE EVADE TAXES?

     Both of these TV programs are gambling with money. Lots of it. Merv Griffin created the programs many years ago and his estate earns trillions in royalties, through licensing fees worldwide. But in the USA their use of wagering (a/k/a gambling) somehow avoids taxation.

     Contestants on both shows can earn thousands of dollars, which is taxable, as is Jeopardy  MC Alex Trebeck’s six figure salary. The networks that syndicate these two shows pay millions to the owners, probably Griffin family members or whoever has a stake in the heart of some relative.

     Somewhere along the way, while Griffin was alive, he might have sold portions of the programs to investors who speculate in such investments. For example, when opera singer Mario Lanza was desperate for funds, he sold his record royalties to his manager for $25,000. Those recordings sold millions of copies for many years, and still do.

     1 met his son sixteen years ago and he said none of Lanza’s offspring received a dime from the millions being paid to the manager in perpetuity. As a result, the MARIO LANZA MUSEUM in Philadelphia is just a room in a brownstone. What a disgrace to this great singer’s legacy!

     Vana White and Pat Sajack are the titular stars of Wheel of Fortune. Vana has a lovely face, a sexy torso and the legs of a race horse. Pat is an attractive MC and looks 30 younger than he really is. They have both been doing the show for at least four decades and ABC-TV pays them a fortune for headlining this TV gambling enterprise.

    I wonder why the US Treasury Department hasn't required ABC-TV to display the standard $50  tax fee for sponsoring a gambling operation? That badge of dishonor is often seen on the door window of a house where the residents host a weekly poker game party. And money exchanges hands. Legally.

     Perhaps someone from the IRS will read this blog and files a claim with ABC-TV for a full field audit by government accountants. That move could reveal the trillions of unpaid taxes and papers filed in court to demand payment or else. 

     I don't think any major corporation wants the IRS in hot pursuit of their assets. Especially in this election year. Hear Hear Donald Trump. Show us your taxes! 

All Right PCH, You Win. I'll Take The Money And Run!

  I received an important snail mail letter from PCH claiming I was now in the winner's circle. When I was urged to buy something, anything.....however, a purchase would not increase my chances for becoming the GREAT GRAND SUPER WONDERFUL UNBELIEVABLE FANTASTIC JACKPOT PRIZE OF $7,000 a week for life winner. I decided to go wild.
     First, I took ten strangers on the street to a chicken dinner at KFC . They were all delighted and quite hungry, to a total tune of $167.80. But, what the hell, I'm in the winner's circle with a letter of confirmation. What more do I need to know that I'm a sure fire winner? Maybe I better buy something from PCH, for insurance.
     O.K. I'll send for a shoe horn, a baby screw driver and a nail clipper. Total cost, including handling and shipping $14.58. Not a bad investment for the kind of annuity I'll be receiving for the rest of my life!
     I'm going to spend more money until PCH's team shows up at my door with a Brink's truck, a marching band and hundreds of balloons on October 21st. Until then my plan is simple: spend as much as I can without any contrition. I'll have to take out a bank loan, of course, for $100,000, and my banker assures me I have enough in assets to serve as collateral.
     I already have my bucket list of things to buy, places to visit, people to reward and parties to attract new friends. The first party will be to celebrate my birthday(please don't ask how old I am; I'll only admit that I'm old enough to know better.) There will be a sitdown dinner for 40 of my friends, catered by a gourmet chef. I'll also invite Dr. Oz, in case anyone gets sick and requires expert treatment.
     Finally, if any of you folks reading this blog are naive enough to think that I might throw a few thousand your way, forget it. Because money talks and bull shit walks. I might take you to dinner. But that's about it.
     To celebrate my big win, let's all hum "In a country garden by Percy Granger" while we exercise our sphincter muscles. A one and a two.............    

TENNIS EVERYONE!

     The 2016 US Open Tennis Tournament introduced a new convertible roof over the Arthur Ashe Court...in case it rains....and many more seats for a total of 23,000 sitting and millions watching on TV. The net profit for the US Open was 40 million dollars. And, believe it or not, the winner of the men's single and the women's single each received 3.5 million dollars! The all-silver trophy was HUGE and probably worth another million, if melted down.
     Today's tennis is a far cry from the 1940's when I observed Bill Tilden and Bobby Riggs courtside at Oberlin College. They played with wooden rackets, gut strings, skinny tennis balls and served at 50 mph. They were lucky if they got transportation money from their homes and sponsorship was unheard of. Everybody competing was pretty much on their own.
     Winning the trophy was a big deal then. No money changed hands. Anyone with a racket could enter the tournament, including bookmakers,  and wearing white outfits were suggested but not mandatory. You won for the sport of winning. I felt that inclination and played tennis throughout high school and college. But there were too many excellent players and so I veered towards a career in music.
     Fast forward to 2016 and we barely remember Roger Federer from Switzerland or Rafael from Spain.  Remember Martina Hingus? I didn't think you  did. She was a tennis champion at the young age of 16 two decades ago. Nowadays the tennis pro can expect no more than two decades for earning a small fortune. That includes tournaments and sponsors. As long as they stay in good condition and don't ever get sick.
     My opinion about today's sports....football, basketball and tennis primarily....is that the "stars" are overpaid. Lebron James, Steph Curry, Dwayne Wade all multi-millionaires playing basketball. To hear their coaches urge teams to "go out there and have fun." They might add, "you better win or you'll be traded to another losing team."
     We will never ever return to the truly good old days of sports heroes performing their best just to win, rather than for the money. The stadiums today have to fill thousands of seats; they can't just make a profit on hot dogs and beer. Oh well, such is life in the fast lane of enterprise.
     If  you want to know why I gave up tennis thirty years ago, read my  Questionable Commentary #18, "Tennis Anyone." It has a few more laughs than this one.
    

    

Want To Win $7,000 A Week For The Rest Of Your Life?

     Publishers Clearing House offers suckers an impossible chance to win $7,000 a week FOR LIFE in their TV ads. This is the same scandal ridden company that was throwing all entries to win in their dumpster. They seemed to have recovered from that illegal dumping. Just don't hold your breath!
     I receive their letters, a dozen pages with bait trap stickers on each page for making a purchase, albeit a disclaimer says "you don't have to buy anything to win." One page boldly says YOU ARE ALREADY A WINNER! Because you were selected to receive piles of junk mail and are stupid enough to think you might win the jackpot.
     Actually, you'll do better to buy your crapola at a 99 Cent Store. Or try QVC and eBay on the Internet. Some people have filled their houses and garages with all the garbage purchased on line.
Buying crap is an addiction, along with gambling, drugs and drinking. Yes, some people actually have orgasms when they paw through their piles of refuse. Don't even think of going there!
     Publishers Clearing House spews unsuspecting consumers with wild promises of getting rich for the rest of their lives, through constant PCH mailings saying: "You could win in October!" Then, for the next six or eight months a winner is promised with more seductive ads saying so. Fat chance! Forget it! Frustrated? Just go play with yourself. You'll feel better with an aspirin and a nap, followed by a cold shower to wake up your senses.
     Finally, you don't have to send me any nasty letters. I have enough perverted hard copy to stir up my bile. Don't test me. Thanks!

D. H. Smith, General Manager

PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE

101 Winners Circle

Port Washington, NY 11050

Dear D. H .Smith,

     How can I ever thank you for rushing to me my DELIVERY VERIFICATION NUMBER: 13419349613419 on PCH FORM 13-X within two days!

     However, D.H. Smith, the thought of winning $7,000 a week for the rest of my life scares me. Right now I am living comfortably on only $500 a week. So maybe you can spread $6,500 a week around to others.

     If not, I’ll let our grandson claim the money because he’s only one year old and intends to live to a hundred. But how many more years will PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE live? Let me think about that possibility.

     Otherwise, D.H. Smith, I’ll be waiting for that knock on the front door in February to greet you, and accept the first check in the amount of $7,000, along with the marching band, all the balloons and neighbors with their hands out to pay their mortgages and help them build new homes.

     So, until that rendezvous, I remain both excited and exhausted over this BIG WIN!!!   Sincerely, Alan Abel