Step right up folks and choose your poison. How about some Januvia for your Diabetes II? Or Stelara for clear skin? Come one come all. But user beware because there are horrible side effects that can cripple and even kill you! Also, if you are allergic to these drugs you must get permission from your doctor. Tell him all the medicine you are presently taking. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery.
No drinking of hard liquor whatsoever, even wine would do you harm. Always call your doctor first, especially if you experience a dry throat, low blood pressure, high blood pressure, extreme perspiration, loud coughing, swollen legs, growling stomach, incontinence, internal or external bleeding, double vision, shortness of breath and sore feet.
Should any of these side effects appear, do not hesitate to call 911, or quickly have someone drive you to the nearest hospital for ER treatment. That could save your life. Yes, you might die from an overdose of any of the powerful drugs being advertised on radio, television and in newspapers and magazines.
Then too, folks, your doctor can offer you free samples. Things like Anore, Namenda, Invokana, Brintallix, Victoza, Lyrica, Harvori, etc. He has drawers filled with the tiny pills from drug company salesmen. Just remember, "if you don't ask, you don't get." And drug companies "have what it takes to take what you've got." The latter can be reduced to one word: MONEY.
You will never see a drug company's front lawn looking like Tobacco Road, with used auto tires, broken glass, rusty wheel barrels and auto parts strewn around. No, their lawns are beautifully kept manicured to look like church property. Don't even think of throwing an empty soda can or Starbuck coffe cup on the lawn. Security cameras will have recorded your foul behavior and you will be evicted and possibly beaten up by mean security guards.
Finally, I suggest you stop using any drugs at all. Live a healthy life by eating moderately, exercising and laughing out loud at all the indignities of life that threaten you. Remember, laughter is the only tranquilizer without side effects. Laughing releases endorphins within your body that protect your immune system. Forget about calling your doctor. He's much too busy either playing golf or on the phone with his stock broker.
I hope you will feel some solace from this Blog, because that's its purpose. We are surrounded by so many "cure all" drugs that do nothing but empty your wallet. Don't fall into a sucker trap that addicts you to pills that pretend to perform. Nor should you interrupt your doctor's golf game or his purchase of stock. He needs to pay his malpractice insurance, in the event you have to sue.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Monday, June 8, 2015
Please Don't Follow Me and I Won't Follow You!
The last time I tweeted on Twitter was several years ago when I laid down for a nap. Unlike Rip Van Winkle I don't plan to awaken for another year or two. Why? Because I just followed Bob, Miles and Manny. Actually I scrolled down their never ending weekend of boring activities and was almost ready to throw this computer out of my office window. Right through the glass! That's how disgusted I was to get trapped into follow these three lizards slithering through life with nothing to do. Yuck!
Let's get started. I'm going to bore you to death. It might be difficult because you might already be dead. How many characters do I have to use for a tweet? Is it 127? 137? I'm not sure. WTF. I don't pay attention to rules. Here goes. Start reading. If you can last through the whole Blog I'll send you a crushed banana that I purposely stepped on for the Grand Prize. Otherwise you get nothing!
I woke up this morning and yawned. Then I took off my blanket and guess what? I had a sheet under the blanket. I said sheet, not "shit." Actually I had to sit on the can and sent a nice cigar shaped turd into the Hudson River.
Here's another Tweet. I turned on the TV news. Two prisoners have escaped from the MAXIMUM ESCAPE PRISON IN DANAMORA, NEW YORK. That "joint" is only 20 miles from the Canadian border. Both guys are killers; so if they kill again it won't matter. How many life sentences without parole do you need to be incarcerated forever? Answer: only one.
The best part of this prison escape is the $100,000 for a "snitch" to call in and tell where they are. They have to be somewhere, don't they? And who can resist earning a hundred grand with only one phone call on an ipad? Very tempting. If I see those killers I'm calling the FBI, CIA, HSA and Anderson Cooper. He will be taking the Red Eye to where they are and collect the reward money.
Radio Station CHUM in Toronto broadcast an exclusive interview with the two killers (Called A and B to protect their families who are now in the Witness Protection Program for their safety).
A: We decided to break out a year ago when the food menu dropped to a new low.
B: Yeah. Baloney for breakfast, baloney for lunch and baloney for suppeer. That's a lot of baloney!
A: It wasn't only the cuisine. There were lumps in my mattress and rats living with me.
B. I thought you made good rat meat loaf for my birthday.
A. That was a special occasion, shithead. Don't expect any cake next year without a urine flavor.
B. Ummmm. I can taste it already. Will I get to lick your can?
A. Maybe. If you promise to suck my toes.
B. Certainly. Now let's plan to break out of jail and see if we can stay out for at least 72 hours.
A. Good idea. We'll separate and I'll meet you at McDonald's for dinner tomorrow night.
B. O.K. wear the Burka and pretend you have tits. Nobody will know you're one of the escapees.
A. I'm ready. It fits like I'm going to walk on the Red Carpet. I'll have a D Cup size.........
B. Oh shut up and get ready to drill. Here's a chain saw and a map of the tunnel we'll be crawling through for the outside world. Just keep drilling and don't make any noise.
A. I'll be careful. Especially with the silencer on my drill. Nice touch to our escape plan.
B. If we get caught. Be ready for Plan B...
A. I didn't get Plan B. What is it?
B. How should I know pisshead! You were supposed to leave it under my door...
A. You don't have a door. You're in the hole, asshole.
B. Be careful how you insult me pinhead. I might have to kill you.
A. Ha ha. GFY dummy. Let's end this and get to work on the tunnel.
I'm back to napping. Don't wake me if those two guys get caught. I'll read the whole story in the NEW YORK TIMES. Thanks for reading, folks. I'll do better next time.
Let's get started. I'm going to bore you to death. It might be difficult because you might already be dead. How many characters do I have to use for a tweet? Is it 127? 137? I'm not sure. WTF. I don't pay attention to rules. Here goes. Start reading. If you can last through the whole Blog I'll send you a crushed banana that I purposely stepped on for the Grand Prize. Otherwise you get nothing!
I woke up this morning and yawned. Then I took off my blanket and guess what? I had a sheet under the blanket. I said sheet, not "shit." Actually I had to sit on the can and sent a nice cigar shaped turd into the Hudson River.
Here's another Tweet. I turned on the TV news. Two prisoners have escaped from the MAXIMUM ESCAPE PRISON IN DANAMORA, NEW YORK. That "joint" is only 20 miles from the Canadian border. Both guys are killers; so if they kill again it won't matter. How many life sentences without parole do you need to be incarcerated forever? Answer: only one.
The best part of this prison escape is the $100,000 for a "snitch" to call in and tell where they are. They have to be somewhere, don't they? And who can resist earning a hundred grand with only one phone call on an ipad? Very tempting. If I see those killers I'm calling the FBI, CIA, HSA and Anderson Cooper. He will be taking the Red Eye to where they are and collect the reward money.
Radio Station CHUM in Toronto broadcast an exclusive interview with the two killers (Called A and B to protect their families who are now in the Witness Protection Program for their safety).
A: We decided to break out a year ago when the food menu dropped to a new low.
B: Yeah. Baloney for breakfast, baloney for lunch and baloney for suppeer. That's a lot of baloney!
A: It wasn't only the cuisine. There were lumps in my mattress and rats living with me.
B. I thought you made good rat meat loaf for my birthday.
A. That was a special occasion, shithead. Don't expect any cake next year without a urine flavor.
B. Ummmm. I can taste it already. Will I get to lick your can?
A. Maybe. If you promise to suck my toes.
B. Certainly. Now let's plan to break out of jail and see if we can stay out for at least 72 hours.
A. Good idea. We'll separate and I'll meet you at McDonald's for dinner tomorrow night.
B. O.K. wear the Burka and pretend you have tits. Nobody will know you're one of the escapees.
A. I'm ready. It fits like I'm going to walk on the Red Carpet. I'll have a D Cup size.........
B. Oh shut up and get ready to drill. Here's a chain saw and a map of the tunnel we'll be crawling through for the outside world. Just keep drilling and don't make any noise.
A. I'll be careful. Especially with the silencer on my drill. Nice touch to our escape plan.
B. If we get caught. Be ready for Plan B...
A. I didn't get Plan B. What is it?
B. How should I know pisshead! You were supposed to leave it under my door...
A. You don't have a door. You're in the hole, asshole.
B. Be careful how you insult me pinhead. I might have to kill you.
A. Ha ha. GFY dummy. Let's end this and get to work on the tunnel.
I'm back to napping. Don't wake me if those two guys get caught. I'll read the whole story in the NEW YORK TIMES. Thanks for reading, folks. I'll do better next time.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
How To Have A Great Summer Party!
It was the summer of 1978. Lou Wolfson's horse Affirmed had won the Triple Crown (thanks to profits he had made from financing our satirical movie on sex, "Is There Sex After Death?" featuring Buck Henry ("The Graduate"), Robert Downey, Sr. ("Putney Swope") and other known performers. My wife, Jeanne, and I lived in Westport,CT with daughter Jennifer, then six years old, and we had an antique Duluth, Winnepeg & Pacific Railroad Caboose in the back yard.
We decided to have one grand party in our spacious back yard, headlining the caboose, and give all our guests a month's notice. We sent out thirty invitations and kept fingers crossed for a nice summer day with no rain. Within a week, the phone began ringing. Those invited wanted to bring parents, children, relatives and even neighbors from New York, New Jersey and Connecticut.
A week before the event we had 150 adult guests arriving with 30 kids to entertain. We obviously would require a production as follows:
1. A printed program along with a list of the guests, their ages, marital status, profession, hobbies and take home pay. Also address and phone.
2. A string quartet to play on top of the caboose and an eight member jazz band to alternate 20 minute sets. The latter would be on the nearby basketball court.
3. A dancing horse and its rider from the Apple Circus who was a friend of ours.
4. A magician to entertain the children near one of three ponds.
5. 200 kazoos for everyone to play "Bridge on the River Kwai" (Colonel Bogey March) and parade down the street at the conclusion of the party that would last from 2 pm until 6 pm.
6. Three ceremonial trumpets would play a brief fanfare for each arrival. I would announce their presence over the bull horn, as one of our production staff handled the tray of food each person was asked to bring.
7. A local policeman would be hired to direct traffic and point out parking areas for cars.
8. Professor Richard Brown, from The New School, offered to film the day's event for his movie class.
Everything worked out perfectly. The weather was beautiful, there was plenty of delicious food on the buffet tables, the music had people listening and dancing, only one three year old fell in the pond and was quickly rescued, there was every profession imaginable attending......from Al Goldstein, publisher of Screw Magazine, to Dick Wittingham, Editor-in-Chief of LIFE Magazine.
So, folks, if you are going to throw a very special party to be remembered forever, follow our script as displayed. No charge for being a copycat.
We decided to have one grand party in our spacious back yard, headlining the caboose, and give all our guests a month's notice. We sent out thirty invitations and kept fingers crossed for a nice summer day with no rain. Within a week, the phone began ringing. Those invited wanted to bring parents, children, relatives and even neighbors from New York, New Jersey and Connecticut.
A week before the event we had 150 adult guests arriving with 30 kids to entertain. We obviously would require a production as follows:
1. A printed program along with a list of the guests, their ages, marital status, profession, hobbies and take home pay. Also address and phone.
2. A string quartet to play on top of the caboose and an eight member jazz band to alternate 20 minute sets. The latter would be on the nearby basketball court.
3. A dancing horse and its rider from the Apple Circus who was a friend of ours.
4. A magician to entertain the children near one of three ponds.
5. 200 kazoos for everyone to play "Bridge on the River Kwai" (Colonel Bogey March) and parade down the street at the conclusion of the party that would last from 2 pm until 6 pm.
6. Three ceremonial trumpets would play a brief fanfare for each arrival. I would announce their presence over the bull horn, as one of our production staff handled the tray of food each person was asked to bring.
7. A local policeman would be hired to direct traffic and point out parking areas for cars.
8. Professor Richard Brown, from The New School, offered to film the day's event for his movie class.
Everything worked out perfectly. The weather was beautiful, there was plenty of delicious food on the buffet tables, the music had people listening and dancing, only one three year old fell in the pond and was quickly rescued, there was every profession imaginable attending......from Al Goldstein, publisher of Screw Magazine, to Dick Wittingham, Editor-in-Chief of LIFE Magazine.
So, folks, if you are going to throw a very special party to be remembered forever, follow our script as displayed. No charge for being a copycat.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
What Will Bruce Jenner Do With His Extra Body Part?
He could give it to someone. Perhaps hold an auction on eBay, if they would allow "something questionable." Probably not. Or gift the body part to a relative. Another possible is to display it, on the mantlepiece, in a jar filled with pickle juice. That might seem too gross for a newly made woman. On the other hand a DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE wouldn't hesitate for a moment to display her hubby's hose.
I would love to question Lorena Bobbitt's ex husband, John, about this situation. The last I heard, he was an entertainer in Las Vegas, allowing tourists to throw plastic rings, from a distance, on to his sewn on and extended pee-pee. As a lady from New Bern,NC said on the "Jenny Jones Show," "Too bad Lorena told authorities where she threw his joint."
Now, you readers are all wondering why I haven't just flat out said "penis" so far. Well, out of deference to Bruce Jenner, albeit his cover photo on VANITY FAIR MAGAZINE will sell at least 15 million copies, he/she deserves a little bit of modesty and privacy. Hmmmmmm. Not a very good excuse!
But I am a media provocateur somewhat sad today. Why? Because the NEWSEUM in Washington,DC, a depository of news memorabilia, has rejected my offer to sell them my memorabilia over the past fifty years. I have thousands of letters, tapes and photos that could provide incredible source material among their other collections. Oh well, BROWN UNIVERSITY also decided not to buy my stuff. I believe i lost by one vote.
So let's get back to Bruce Jenner. Probably the happiest person in the world (for awhile at least) is Bill Cosby. All his attention on the top of the news has vanished, even though drugged woman number forty has claimed she was violated. Wait! Is it possible that Cosby and Jenner might become a twosome? Never mind.
There are so many negatives going through my mind today, ranging from the despicable orange haired killer in Colorado and his sobbing parents in the courtroom, to the fact that the late Paul Newman (may he RIP) who took his own popcorn to movie theaters. Yes, there is quite a distance between those two observations. And I will end today's blog on that because it's time for me to sulk.
I would love to question Lorena Bobbitt's ex husband, John, about this situation. The last I heard, he was an entertainer in Las Vegas, allowing tourists to throw plastic rings, from a distance, on to his sewn on and extended pee-pee. As a lady from New Bern,NC said on the "Jenny Jones Show," "Too bad Lorena told authorities where she threw his joint."
Now, you readers are all wondering why I haven't just flat out said "penis" so far. Well, out of deference to Bruce Jenner, albeit his cover photo on VANITY FAIR MAGAZINE will sell at least 15 million copies, he/she deserves a little bit of modesty and privacy. Hmmmmmm. Not a very good excuse!
But I am a media provocateur somewhat sad today. Why? Because the NEWSEUM in Washington,DC, a depository of news memorabilia, has rejected my offer to sell them my memorabilia over the past fifty years. I have thousands of letters, tapes and photos that could provide incredible source material among their other collections. Oh well, BROWN UNIVERSITY also decided not to buy my stuff. I believe i lost by one vote.
So let's get back to Bruce Jenner. Probably the happiest person in the world (for awhile at least) is Bill Cosby. All his attention on the top of the news has vanished, even though drugged woman number forty has claimed she was violated. Wait! Is it possible that Cosby and Jenner might become a twosome? Never mind.
There are so many negatives going through my mind today, ranging from the despicable orange haired killer in Colorado and his sobbing parents in the courtroom, to the fact that the late Paul Newman (may he RIP) who took his own popcorn to movie theaters. Yes, there is quite a distance between those two observations. And I will end today's blog on that because it's time for me to sulk.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Cuddle and Caress Me but no Kissing!
Yes, folks, just like ordering anybody or anything from Craig's and Angie's Lists, you can pay a website to connect you with a male, female or gay person to cuddle and caress. BUT NO KISSING! And certainly no sex, God forbid. This website doesn't have hermaphrodites either. For shame.
In this day and age of instant gratification (one touch on the computer will reveal 234,000,000 possibles in .05 seconds), we are all overwhelmed by the enormity of digital electronics and fiber optics. Then there are the "menus" when you call a company. After wearing you down with extension numbers to reach, there is a beep for leaving a message. The robot signs off by saying, "Have a nice day. Call back again during our business hours. Thank you."
Frustration sets in. You want to talk to a human being. Maybe open the window and shout out to strangers below, I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY LONGER! Where is Paddy Whatshisname when we need him? More than ever now. Just pass the Prozac. Smoke a weed and have a drink. We're all trapped into this web of gobbledygook. And there's no escape!
Here are some of the questions asked of people seeking someone to cuddle:
1. What is your real name?
2. Where do you live?
3 How do you live?
4. Why do you live?
5. Describe your last meal if you are to be executed in the morning.
6. Your favorite puppy is dangling from a very high cliff in your right hand; your BFF in the left. Which one would you save from dropping?
7. Have you ever been arrested? Why?
8. What is the dumbest thing you ever did?
9. If you had your life to live over again, whom would you be?
10. Name your favorite drink.
ll. What sort of job do you have?
12. Have you ever been fired? Why?
13. If your boss called you an idiot, what would you say?
14. How do you like these questions so far?
15. What is your present salary?
16. How little do you declare on your Income Tax Return?
17. Do you stutter, whimper or belch easily?
18. True or False. Castration is a form of government in Cuba.
NOTE: YOU HAVE PROBABLY FAILED THIS TEST. TRY AGAIN IN SIX MONTHS.
In this day and age of instant gratification (one touch on the computer will reveal 234,000,000 possibles in .05 seconds), we are all overwhelmed by the enormity of digital electronics and fiber optics. Then there are the "menus" when you call a company. After wearing you down with extension numbers to reach, there is a beep for leaving a message. The robot signs off by saying, "Have a nice day. Call back again during our business hours. Thank you."
Frustration sets in. You want to talk to a human being. Maybe open the window and shout out to strangers below, I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY LONGER! Where is Paddy Whatshisname when we need him? More than ever now. Just pass the Prozac. Smoke a weed and have a drink. We're all trapped into this web of gobbledygook. And there's no escape!
Here are some of the questions asked of people seeking someone to cuddle:
1. What is your real name?
2. Where do you live?
3 How do you live?
4. Why do you live?
5. Describe your last meal if you are to be executed in the morning.
6. Your favorite puppy is dangling from a very high cliff in your right hand; your BFF in the left. Which one would you save from dropping?
7. Have you ever been arrested? Why?
8. What is the dumbest thing you ever did?
9. If you had your life to live over again, whom would you be?
10. Name your favorite drink.
ll. What sort of job do you have?
12. Have you ever been fired? Why?
13. If your boss called you an idiot, what would you say?
14. How do you like these questions so far?
15. What is your present salary?
16. How little do you declare on your Income Tax Return?
17. Do you stutter, whimper or belch easily?
18. True or False. Castration is a form of government in Cuba.
NOTE: YOU HAVE PROBABLY FAILED THIS TEST. TRY AGAIN IN SIX MONTHS.
Saturday, May 23, 2015
What's wrong with French, Italian or German?
Why do we only hear Spanish when calling a company office? I mean, English is obviously more wide spread. BTW I'm sick and tired hearing a voice say "Hi, I'm Chester, can I help you?" But Chester sounds Spanish and is probably an outsourcer in Manila. You're right. He is! And I soon learn his real name is Pedro. But he went to school for a week and learned some English and received a new name. Thanks a lot A.T.& T., IBM and a few other thousand companies!
I am not a racist (I once closed down a restaurant in Columbus,OH when they refused to serve an African American customer because he had a black skin and, as the manager said, "our other white customers would be offended." Four days of picketing and they went out of business). Then I began receiving hate calls and threats on my life. All cowards and scumbags. They wouldn't know how to strangle a snake as it wound around and around their necks.
But back to this language thing. Why don't USA companies trying to save money by hiring foreigners to stay in their own country and pretend to be American citizens utilize Italy, France and Germany? As our population continues to explode, they will call on those folks overseas in a hundred countries willing to work for $6 an hour. Disney does not have a monopoly on this strategy!
Another bummer on the phone is trying to attract a human being. Every company has a robot to answer the phone, and you have a choice of only two languages: English or Spanish. What about adding German, Italian, French, Greek, Farsi, Creole, Dutch, Swedish, Danish and even Polish?
I'm not too keen about Dutch. The last time I was in Amsterdam with my good friend, Paul Hiatt, everyone seemed to be riding bicycles. In fact, I almost got toppled by one that rushed by me at 30 mpr. When I sat on one, only one of my cheeks would fit on the seat (no pun intended) and after an hour I had a sore butt. Obviously, the manufacturers of bicycle seats must be in collusion with the makers of Preparation H.
One final beef. FedEx is over extended with their robots. They answer telephones only in English or Spanish (shame on them!). They must have someone who speaks Hebrew. And when the idiot robot asks you a question, you have to give one of his answers that are repeated as though you are a four-year-old kid. If you change one word of your own, the robot whips you over to an insipid menu. More frustration. FedEx can take a long walk on a short pier. I'm sticking with USPS!
I am not a racist (I once closed down a restaurant in Columbus,OH when they refused to serve an African American customer because he had a black skin and, as the manager said, "our other white customers would be offended." Four days of picketing and they went out of business). Then I began receiving hate calls and threats on my life. All cowards and scumbags. They wouldn't know how to strangle a snake as it wound around and around their necks.
But back to this language thing. Why don't USA companies trying to save money by hiring foreigners to stay in their own country and pretend to be American citizens utilize Italy, France and Germany? As our population continues to explode, they will call on those folks overseas in a hundred countries willing to work for $6 an hour. Disney does not have a monopoly on this strategy!
Another bummer on the phone is trying to attract a human being. Every company has a robot to answer the phone, and you have a choice of only two languages: English or Spanish. What about adding German, Italian, French, Greek, Farsi, Creole, Dutch, Swedish, Danish and even Polish?
I'm not too keen about Dutch. The last time I was in Amsterdam with my good friend, Paul Hiatt, everyone seemed to be riding bicycles. In fact, I almost got toppled by one that rushed by me at 30 mpr. When I sat on one, only one of my cheeks would fit on the seat (no pun intended) and after an hour I had a sore butt. Obviously, the manufacturers of bicycle seats must be in collusion with the makers of Preparation H.
One final beef. FedEx is over extended with their robots. They answer telephones only in English or Spanish (shame on them!). They must have someone who speaks Hebrew. And when the idiot robot asks you a question, you have to give one of his answers that are repeated as though you are a four-year-old kid. If you change one word of your own, the robot whips you over to an insipid menu. More frustration. FedEx can take a long walk on a short pier. I'm sticking with USPS!
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Did Walter Cronkite ever broadcast fiction as fact?
Oh yes he did during the early 60's on his nightly network CBS-TV news show. The subject matter was "clothing naked animals for the sake of decency, namely all horses, cows, dogs, cats and any animal standing taller than 4 inches or longer than 6 inches." And that was my mantra 1955-63!
Walter Cronkite sat stoically silent along side G. Clifford Prout, President of SINA, the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals (a/k/a Buck Henry "The Graduate") spewed out the material I had written: "......those cows and bulls are not grazing. They are hanging their heads in shame because they are naked. That's why SINA has declared the New Jersey Turnpike a moral disaster area!"
Prout/Buck then reached down and picked up his ukelele, playing and singing the SINA Marching Song: "Wings of Decency"
High on the wings of SINA
We fight for the future now
Let's clothe every pet and animal
Whether dog, cat, horse or cow.
G. Cliford Prout our President
He works for you and me
So clothe all your pets and
Join the march for world wide decency.
S-I-N-A that's our call
All for one and one for all
Hoist our flag for all to see
Waving for morality.
Onward we stride together
Stronger in everyway
All mankind and his animal friends
For SINA, S-I-N-A.
When Prout completed this seven minutes of satire, the switchboard lit up like a Christmas tree. All the callers recognized Buck Henry immediately from "Saturday Night Live" and knew he was playing a superb prank on the venerable Walter Kronkite. At that time, Buck was actually a writer for the popular CBS-TV daytime Garry Moore Show. But Kronkite didn't have a clue about that!
However, thereafter he occasionally kicked the furniture around in his office, disgusted at being so taken in by an employee of his very own network. And to his dying day, Walter Cronkite told friends he remained angry. He wasn't mad at Hitler, Mussolini, Khadafy, Castro or Hussain. Only two clowns named Buck Henry and Alan Abel.
Walter Cronkite sat stoically silent along side G. Clifford Prout, President of SINA, the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals (a/k/a Buck Henry "The Graduate") spewed out the material I had written: "......those cows and bulls are not grazing. They are hanging their heads in shame because they are naked. That's why SINA has declared the New Jersey Turnpike a moral disaster area!"
Prout/Buck then reached down and picked up his ukelele, playing and singing the SINA Marching Song: "Wings of Decency"
High on the wings of SINA
We fight for the future now
Let's clothe every pet and animal
Whether dog, cat, horse or cow.
G. Cliford Prout our President
He works for you and me
So clothe all your pets and
Join the march for world wide decency.
S-I-N-A that's our call
All for one and one for all
Hoist our flag for all to see
Waving for morality.
Onward we stride together
Stronger in everyway
All mankind and his animal friends
For SINA, S-I-N-A.
When Prout completed this seven minutes of satire, the switchboard lit up like a Christmas tree. All the callers recognized Buck Henry immediately from "Saturday Night Live" and knew he was playing a superb prank on the venerable Walter Kronkite. At that time, Buck was actually a writer for the popular CBS-TV daytime Garry Moore Show. But Kronkite didn't have a clue about that!
However, thereafter he occasionally kicked the furniture around in his office, disgusted at being so taken in by an employee of his very own network. And to his dying day, Walter Cronkite told friends he remained angry. He wasn't mad at Hitler, Mussolini, Khadafy, Castro or Hussain. Only two clowns named Buck Henry and Alan Abel.
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