Resetting the Password

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roses

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pretty roses

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1 pretty rose

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1prettyrose

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1fuckingprettyrose           

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1FUCKINGprettyrose

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1FuckingPrettyRose

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1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessFuckingnow!

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1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessFuckingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use.”

"

The Nationalization of Gun Owners

                          

      In order to ease one’s conscience for owning guns in America, a move is under way to urge Congressional legislation that would nationalize millions of gun owners.

    

     The Second Amendment of the Constitution clearly explains the right to bear arms and protect the United States of America. Congress can exercise its power to legalize guns in the hands of citizens, similar to our National Guard that has performed so well in Kuwait, Iraq and Afghanistan. 

      Thus, in the event of another invasion or war (think Iran, North Korea, Pakistan and Lebanon), the USA, fully armed,  would have a standing army of millions ready to serve overseas.  And each gun’s owner receives a $750 tax rebate!

     For those citizens unwilling to protect the USA, by owning guns, they would be classified 4-F and remain unprotected in their homes. Although, in a crisis such as another Battle of the Bulge, they could be called up to serve as cooks, bakers, medics, latrine diggers, barbers, messengers and a host of other non-combat jobs necessary to support our fighting army.

     This Federal Legislation to nationalize all gun owners will provide a mandate for millions to maintain the security and superiority of THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA throughout the world in perpetuity.

                BE PROUD AMERICAN GUN OWNERS! (Remember: “Forewarned is to be forearmed”)

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade 1988

Over the past 40 years I have often dreamed of being in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I made application to do so with my pickup band, The Stragglers, many times.  And a form rejection letter explained I should be associated with either Disney or Macy’s.

My musicians, mostly from the Radio City Music Hall Orchestra, were disappointed and they joined me in playing jazz and Dixieland at the Saugatuck Congregational Church, in Westport, CT, when a free Thanksgiving Day Feast was available.

After 25 submissions to perform in the Macy’s parade, all refused, I finally had a plan for 1988. We would create a float and all dress up as Pilgrims and Indians. Then our caravan could just enter the parade at Columbus Circle in Manhattan and perform all the way down Broadway to Macy’s Grandstand and NBC-TV cameras.

I had 15 in our entourage and this scheme worked like a charm. We played Indian music with tom-toms in a march tempo and were greeted with applause and cheers by the thousands watching on a beautiful November day, all the way from 59th Street to 34th Street.

Nobody challenged us.  That is until we approached Macy’s store. Then the uniformed handlers with clipboards ran around like cockroaches, checking with dismay to one another.  Who were these Pilgrims and Indians?  Too late to be evicted, followed by a camera, we coasted to an empty area and were interviewed on NBC-TV.

As a dozen angry handlers surrounded us, I explained on television that “Pilgrims and Indians represent the heart and soul of Thanks giving. Thus our presence was to honor those historic orphans in a hallowed parade that has often been conspicuous by its absence of Pilgrims and Indians over the years. Until now.”

We ended the charade by moving the caravan over to 34^th Street and held a jam session for half-an-hour that attracted a large crowd of well wishers. A Pilgrim hat passed around ended up with several hundred dollars; that paid for an enjoyable lunch for my musician friends.

NBC-TV decided to scrap the interview from being aired. I wonder who made that decision?

How To Neutralize A Noisy Neighbor

I have spent the past several decades solving people's problems with noise and other disturbances. Nothing criminal or physical. 99% of my clients are in New York City. I'll give you a classic case:  Martha, pretty, in her early 20's, lived in a pre-war apt. building on the upper east side with six floors. Most of the residents were rent-controlled Sr. Citizens. She had a neighbor sharing her common wall on the 3rd floor, a man her age, a construction worker who rode his motorcycle to work, stayed up until 2 a.m. playing his stereo loudly and singing along, badly.

Martha was a teller in a bank and had to go to bed early in order to be at work by 9 am. She was lucky to get 5 hrs. sleep with the biker's late night radio. Her complaints to him failed and to other neighbors (they were all intimidated by this muscle bound heavyweight). The building's owner lived in Europe. The Supt. lived in a basement apt. and tried to intervene without success.  The bully told Martha she could move; he wasn't about to lower his noise when he finished a 12 hour hard day’s work constructing buildings.

I was hired by Martha to solve the problem. I learned she had called the police a few times, as had other tenants on her floor. When the culprit saw the flashing lights he toned down the volume, then raised it higher when they left. The cops weren't sympathetic, being too busy with bank robbers, rapists, muggers and jewelry thieves.

My solution was for Martha to rent a 28 inch bass drum with a wooden mallet. Then when the loud music began, she would keep time with the bass drum, hitting the instrument triple forte, claiming she had to " practice for joining a Salvation Army Band." It was 1 am when she started pounding to the music.  Within minutes the whole building was awake, tenants yelling on their floors and fleeing to the lobby. There were many  911 calls.

Two police cars arrived and settled the situation: "NO NOISE AFTER 11 PM OR FACE ARREST, FINES AND EVEN JAIL TIME.”  Subsequently, you might hear a door slam after 11 pm, but nothing louder.  A month later the offensive biker moved out.  Mission accomplished!

A Letter To Publishers Clearing House

D. H.

PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE

101 Winners Circle

Port Washington, NY 11050

Dear D. H.,

How can I ever thank you for rushing to me my DELIVERY VERIFICATION NUMBER: 13419349613419 on PCH FORM 13-X within two days!

However, D.H., the thought of winning $7,000 a week for the rest of my life scares me. Right now I am living comfortably on only $500 a week. So maybe you can spread $6,500 a week around to others.

If not, I'll let our grandson claim the money because he's only one year old and intends to live to a hundred. But how many more years will PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE live? Let me think about that possibility.

Otherwise, D.H., I’ll be waiting for that knock on the front door in November to greet you, and accept the first check in the amount of $7,000, along with the marching band, all the balloons and neighbors with their hands out to pay their mortgages and help them build new homes.

So, until that rendezvous, I remain both excited and exhausted over this BIG WIN!!!    

Sincerely,
Alan Abel

A MODEST PROPOSAL

As our national debt continues to spiral upwards for trillions, many households are forced to tighten their belts and stop eating out. A number of families with war vets are particularly hurt, now that their sons and daughters are back home, because they have more mouths to feed.

But Kathy and Todd (not their real names) enjoy making an inexpensive Mice Meat Loaf.  Here’s the recipe they follow.

First, they visit a dumpster behind an upscale restaurant with their two shoeboxes, each containing mouse traps baited with cheese. The holes in the sealed boxes will allow a mouse to enter and within a few minutes, VOILA!  You are ready to take him or her home. But don’t forget to also gather up discarded rolls, bread, pickles, half-eaten salads and yummy desserts.

Next, make sure the mice are dead before you cut off legs and heads. Then, wash them thoroughly in disinfected water and hang up to dry.  Spray each body with Rose Water to disguise their odors. Preheat oven at 350 degrees, place mice in a cake pan, smother them in breadcrumbs, add mushrooms, some garlic, a cup of ketchup, squeeze a lemon over this concoction and bake for one hour.

Finally, test with a fork for tenderness, sprinkle salt, pepper and relish. Now you are ready to serve a delicious, meaty meal that will have guests licking their chops for more. Leave off the word "mice" when mentioning it’s your mother’s favorite meat loaf recipe. It always tastes better that way.

Abolish Income Taxes

Dr. Delos M. Cosgrove has issued stern warnings from the Cleveland Clinic that the Federal Government must step in and help solve the obesity epidemic that has been catastrophic throughout America, and is now considered a disease!

One solution would be to abolish the Income Tax laws and substitute a Body Tax Plan. On or before April 15, the entire family would weigh in and pay $5 a pound for each and every member of the family!

The total aggregate weight of 315 million people would far exceed the income generated taxing income, thus reducing our national debt, and encouraging fat people to trim waistlines as well.

Obviously, taxpayers care about their bodies and would be willing to pay by the pound without complaining.  Also, they won’t have to declare a penny of their income!

This sort of common sense approach is the direction President Barack Obama has often proposed. And he would be a perfect poster man for the lean and determined leader whom most skinny people voted for.

      
As the U.S. Post Office slowly fades into the sunset, with massive closings and layoffs, their facilities and personnel could be utilized for National Weighing Stations to pay body taxes. Poor people will eagerly go on diets to pay less and senior citizens naturally save money, becoming shorter and lighter as they grow older.

      
CPAs will have to bite the bullet and be retrained for other missions in life. For example, as physical trainers or nutritionists to keep their clients’ taxes lower.

      
State taxes might be relegated to family heights, measured for an additional $3 a foot when everybody weighs in.

      
Uncle Sam's slogan can then be: "THE MORE YOU WEIGH, THE MORE YOU PAY." Join the national campaign to reduce obesity!