The Downfall of 1,200 Gilette Employees in Boston

     I have been shaving with lather for the past 80 years. When I tried to find a can of Colgate Shaving Cream at Wal-mart the other day, three things happened: 1. I was nearly run over by a huge lady with her shopping cart piled high; 2. The clerk stocking merchandise had no idea what I was talking about. She didn't speak English! 3. When I finally located the Men's Toilet Articles shelves, there was no lather, only cans of Gillette Edge.
     So I grabbed one of those to avoid being trampled by that large woman with a huge cookie cutter and far too many toys in her shopping cart. Then I checked out to avoid any further confrontations.
But where was my car? The parking lot was fam packed (remember it was Black Friday) and I was eiher in Aisle A, B, C, D. E. F. G. H, I, J,. K, L, M or N.
     You don't want to hear how I found  my car. All right, I climbed aboard a 4 X 4 pickup truck and, using my trusty binoculars, spotted my Volvo in Aisle D. Next time I'l tie a string around my finger. Because I have the world on a string. Oh what a great song title, Harold Arlen!
     So here is my beef that is bound to eventually put Gillette out of business. My can of Edge Fusion contains a blue foam, looking and feeling like tooth paste, and when I pressed the top of the can, the bluish foam spurted me in the navel. I was holding and pressing the wrong end. Don't laugh. You could do the same.
     When I finally squirted the blue ointment in one palm and rubbed it to the other palm, there was a little pile of cold blue foam in each hand. I rubbed my bearded cheeks and shaved. It was a painful task. Not only was my Gilette razor dull from use, the shaving foam was freezing my face. But I endured the pain, removed most of the face hair and applied a hot wash rag, along with a non-alcoholic after shave lotion.
     Finally, my advise to Gillette is to change their product's name to EDGE CONFUSION. Then develop a simple push button, with an arrow pointing to the correct opening. My belly button is still itchy from the cold application.
     Among the 1,200 folks recently going to work for Gillette, there must be a few with common sense and gender beards that often itch. Especially when they kiss their wife or mate. Mine complained when I could not remove all my beard in one shaving session. It took two sessions and I had to eat a cold dinner.
     One last thought. I was expecting a new style wonderful razor from Gillette in the mail, twelve years ago.  They promised to send one and never did.  I'll continue waiting. But forget the Edge.
   

Why Is Alex Trebek Disingenuous?

     Alex Trebek is disingenuous when he serves as spokesman for Colonial Penn Insurance commercials. This erudite, impeccable man is telling a BIG LIE when he spouts gleefully how anybody can get insured WITH NO MEDICAL EXAM, NO CREDIT REPORT, NO INCOME, NOTHING, NOT EVEN YOUJR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER!!!
     It all sounds too good to be true, Alex. Why? Because it isn't true if you are over 85 years of age. Colonial Penn does their homework and won't insure Senior Citizens who are too old. Why? Because they will soon die and Colonial Penn will have to pay a nice sum to the beneficiary. So, it's good business sense to deny potential lepers insurance.
     But it's not good for Alex to be the carrier of a disease called lying. Especially when he is so sharp on JEOPARDY, not only with his pronunciations in French, Spanish, German, Greek or Farsi, but also his knowledge behind some of the answers and his often amusing interviews with the three contestants. So, for shame, Alex. Cancel your commercials with Colonial Penn. You certainly don't need the extra money!
     Should Alex ignore my suggestion, let me suggest some ad copy he might wish to include:

"Oh by the way folks, (SCRATCH ASS), I'm just like any other hick out there who watches TV and falls asleep. I do that every night after a very long day with JEOPARDY. I have to be prepared by reading all the questions and answers. Sometimes we'll tape three or four shows in one day. That's a lot of malarky, believe me. I also have a lot of bills to pay. So it's gratifying for me to have a life insurance policy with Colonial Penn. I prefer to call it Death Insurance. (LAUGHS). Because somebody gets the money when you die. (HOLDS FINGERS TO LIPS) How about letting me be your beneficiary? I would appreciate that sort of gift. Especially in the weeks before Christmas. Thanks loads. See you on JEOPARDY. Au revoir!

(MUSIC UP AND OUT)

How To Deal With Grabbers, Groppers and Goosers

     The recent spate of accusers, mostly women, has rocked the world. Poor perverts being targeted  are amused; no money, no payment. Rich onces call their lawyers and settle for big bucks, that also includes a non-disclosure agreement. I. E. spill the beans and live with empty pockets.
     Fortunately, E.J. Farnsworth, an inventor, has a Patent Pending for a "Douche Bag" that allows a hot male with too much testosterone, and a hard on, to obtain both pleasure and relief without getting arrested when performing in public, unable to keep his pecker in his pants.
     Briefly, the Douche Bag" is worn like a jock strap and is made of leather. (I can already hear the HELLS ANGELS celebrating!). When the mark spots a beautiful woman and experiences an immediate erection, that's all right. The ten-year miniature battery aciivates, a small sponge squeezes his testicles and forces an ejaculation inside the clothe cup feature of his Douche Bag. Mission accomplished!
     The sperm, or come as it's called, remains inside the bag and can be emptied in private. No offense to anyone and certainly no allegations. Perish the thought! The male species is alive and kicking ass, if you'll pardon the expression, albeit there are lots of good looking cookie cutters out there, especially visible in summer.
     Members of Congress, both Houses and Senate, are considering Douche Bags for all male members as Christmas presents. Also, introducing a bill that would require them  in all USA states to be worn along with seatbelts. What a wonderful gift, along with their Insider Trading pass, and other perks.
     Obviously, the late Senator Al Frankin (he was late to deliver his Mea Culpa resignation speech on national television), could have saved his job by wearing a Douche Bag, keeping his pecker in his pants, his tongue in his mouth and his hands in his pockets. But it was too late to lock the barn door; the horse had been stolen. No pun intended.
    Meantime, the President was watching Al on TV,  having his joint stroked, eating rich chocolate fudge cake with one hand, and tweeting with the other: TOO BAD AL. IF YOU WERE GOP I COULD HAVE SAVED YOU. NOT NOW.  PLEASE PRAY FOR JUDGE MOORE TO BEAT THAT SOB. PS JARED NEEDS A NEW CHAUFFEUR.  YOU KNOW WASHINGTON STREETS. INTERESTED?
     BTW, DOUCHE BAGS will come in sizes small, medium, large, extra large and huge like a horse.
I'm not telling which size I'm ordering. I just hope that Farnsworth wins a Nobel Piece Prize. Pun intended.

Why Does The Salem Web Network Plagiarize?

     Located in downtown Richmond, VA this little known, and even less cared about, radio/podcast network blatantly broadcast a copyrighted documentary without permission or payment. Such thievery might be condoned in Iran, Yemen or Syria; but certainly not in the good old USA where citizens are free to be stupid, vapid or crooked!
      The property in question, "Abel Raises Cain," won Best Documentary prizes at Slamdance and a dozen other prestigious film festivals in 2005-6. It was broadcast on the BBC-TV's coveted Channel 4 in 2007. All these venues obtained permission and paid a licensing fee. Salem Web Network did neither.
     Imagine pulling up to an ATM machine outside a bank in your 4 X 4 and stealing $5,000 cash? I believe that is called highway robbery and the thief would be serving jail time, along with incarceration until returning the money, and substantial probation wearing an anklet bracelet.
     One of the Salem Network's executives lives in Oxford,Mississippi and he recently wrote an impassioned plea on Facebook, addressed to Jimmy Kimmel, pleading for him to stop pontificating and return to comedy.
    That is like inviting the fox to sleep in the hen house.  Kimmel himself, along with his midget sidekick, committed an outrageous act of plagiarism when they appeared before "SHARKS" to seek funds for their new business: "SELLING HORSE PANTS TO CLOTHE NAKED HORSES"
     The upper case letters are there because that faux campaign was copyrighted in "The Great American Hoax," published by Trident Press in 1965 and sold a year later to Paramount Pictures for a major motion picture to be produced by Martin Ritt ("Hud"), directed by Carl Reiner and starring Jack Lemmon.
     Salem Web Network is to be sued in Federal Court for its copyright violation. The plaintiffs will be a group of producers who have all been victims of this heinous criminal activity, thus under the RICO statute. That will result in felony charges leading to jail time. Then a subsequent civil suit will claim damages and punitive fees totaling $6,000,000.
     A team of volunteer lawyers, including a former Watergate Prosecutor, are waiting in the wings until all the flap over Cosby, Weinstein, Rose and Trump dies down. Probably the early part of 2018.
So stay tuned. There is more news to come and it's not fake.

Why You Can't Win PCH Miillions or the Connecticut Lottery

     First of all, Publishers Clearing House wants you to buy something, anything from the pile of trashy ads enclosed in your “winning” entry form. If you follow the instructions and paste up all the little ads designated to be pasted in certain squares (something any 3^rd grader could do), then you feel confident you might win the millions for the rest of your life.

     The odds against the big win are phenomenal. You are more likely to be struck by lightning while standing under a tree in the rain. Or hit by a falling star from the sky. Or crushed by a steam shovel at a construction site. YOU CANNOT WIN THE JACKPOT!

     PCH was indicted some years ago for dumping all its entries in the garbage. They managed to redeem this “error” by promising not to do it again. Ha ha ha. Try telling President Trumpty Dumpty not to tell anymore lies. Go ahead. I dare you. This psychopath just can’t help himself; he manifests lies faster than a humming bird flies. Which rhymes with lies.

     The Connecticut Lottery sells a scratch-off card for $30 that says it is giving you 30 chances to win. Wait a minute. How about 30 chances to lose? I’ve purchased one card a month for the past year and once won $30. Only once. Big deal. I got my money back to buy another card and lose again. But I had 30 chances to lose, not win.

     So, shame on the PCH Lottery and the CT Lottery for their disingenuous  advertising. It barely stays on the line of good faith, sneaking over to the one that spells FRAUD!

Don't you just hate those telephone pitch calls?

     Sometimes the phone rings at 8 am when I'm fast asleep. It is usually a robot telling me that my pill order  is being filled and should be received within ten days. Or a reminder that I have a doctor's appointment a week later. The most recent 9 am caller was an offer from ARTHUR MURRAY'S DANCE STUDIO telling me I had just won three free lessons.
     As I rolled over in bed, phone in hand, I explained that I only had one leg (I had majored in lying at TRUMP UNIVERSITY). While the young lady gushed apologies, I interrupted with, "how about pole dancing instead?" She hung up with a thud and a curse. One more scammer. But I'm off their list.
     Now what about those offensive calls and stupid surveys or fund raisers who keep 90% of the proceeds? I answer in French:  "Bonjour, parlez-vous Francais?" They hardly speak English, not French, maybe Spanish or Farsi. Nevertheless, my fractured French tongue (no pun intended) has severed one more connection.
      There is a national DO NOT CALL service that lists your telephone number, and is designed to prevent telemarketers and pitchers, along with scammers, to call you. I've been on that list for ten years and received hundreds of calls, if not thousands. So I'm not going to reveal the number to call.
     My final indefensible commentary concerns The Internet per se. That is, how to build a wall around your ears and eyes so you don't see or hear the scams bombarding you 24/7.
      First, with Android Systems, choose Marshmallow.com, followed by Nougat.pdf, then Lollipop Only God Knows, highlighted by Messenger and ending with Spam.
     If the latter suggestion is driving you crazy, take an aspirin, have a nap and thank me for the therapy. Prozac also helps. No charge for this advice.
     
    

THE DOWNFALL OF DONALD J. TRUMP!

             

                         

      If you saw and heard the alleged President of the USA give a speech from the packed auditorium in Phoenix on August 22, 2017, and felt distressed over his phony rhetoric, you were not alone. And you were among the millions fearful of the future as America slides into a huge black hole.

     Banks will fail, shopping malls close one after the other, climate changes daily from 115 in western states during long summers to lows of 30 below during winter months. Home bankruptcy becomes highest ever as people lose their jobs and families sleep in their cars or shelters.

     This is hell on earth. Even the fat calves are selling their jewelry to buy food and gas. Sour hedge funds have wiped out all their money. Willy Nelson’s “Brother Can You Spare A Dime?” and “I Ain’t Got No Pot To Piss In” are at the top of the Billboard chart. Woe is everybody!

     But there is a flicker of hope. The Special Prosecutor, Bob Mueller and his seventeen attorneys, have followed the Trump money trail and are now ready to impanel a Grand Jury to issue subpoenas and file indictments.

     “President” Trump is not immune from being charged with a number of felonies. And that means jail time. Imagine this overweight golden haired meat head in an orange jumpsuit, followed by Junior and Jared?

     However, wait. There is Vice-President Pence eager to sit in the Oval Office. And then as PRESIDENT OF THE USA he can pardon the whole family with one sweep of the official White House pen that doesn’t leak! But he too gets indicted for graft.

     Fortunately, there have been a few dozen leaks in the White House, witnesses who will now testify and help convict The Donald under RICO, the criminal law that sends liars to maximum secure prisons.

     While the Republican wimps cower at home, afraid to attend public forums that include rioting, fearful of envelopes received with white powder and taking their kids out of school because their peers will “beat the crap out of them.”

     So where do we go from this point on? Remember Hillary Clinton who won the election by four million popular votes? She is waiting in the wings for a Congressional Amendment to lead America from the Oval Office.

     Mrs. Clinton deserves a Pulitzer Prize for her book, “What Happened,” and a MacArthur Genius Award for her resilience against the “Immoral Monster.”