How Can You Sell Your Screenplay To A Hollywood Studio In Six Weeks?

     First by thinking outside the box. Normally, one would have an agent who has studio contact with a producer and decides to option your screenplay for a year. I had that happen years ago with Sidney Glazer. He won an Academy Award for producing "The Eleanor Roosevelt Story." But Glazer decided he didn't like "The Great American Hoax" after all, and threw my 100 page script across the room as he lay on a couch with a vinegar rag on his forehead. A real schmuck!
     When a young filmmaker in New York City came to me for advice, let's call him George because he became famous, he said he was headed for Hollywood with $10,000 in his bank. How should he spend it out there in order to make his first movie with a script he had written.
     I told George not to waste his time and money. The dollars would all be gone in a few months for food, rent and other expenses. Instead, he should use the money to rent a classy limousine with a uniformed chauffeur, dress himself looking spiffy and visit the major studios one at a time.
     When his expensive limo pulls up to the gate, tell the guard you want to rent a studio to produce your first movie. Wait until the guard gets off the phone and you'll have directions to enter and drive to one of the huildings with offices. There, you will meet an executive salesman who handles studio stage rentals. He will ask for a copy of your script and be impressed with one of your engraved business cards.
     This is the procedure I advised George to take. He did and found the welcome mat at three of five studios. Studio number one decided to make him an offer: rather than than rent their facilities, a crew, editing rooms and all the other expenses, why not just produce his movie under their banner. They would pay all expenses, in addition to a producer's salary, that would also include an office to work in and a cottage nearby to live in. Profits would be shared fifty -fifty from the first dollar.
     What I just described was over a six week period. George was down to has last $200 when he signed the contract and received a studio check for $1,500,000.  He was sweating profusely when he deposited the money in his bank. George couldn't believe his good fortune. He made his first movie, then three more, got married, had three kids and is happily living in a huge Beverly Hills home.
     I believe this scenario could still work again. So you wannabes consider the potential. But don't fall for the sucker trap option. Your creative efforts will be tied up for a year or more, nothing will happen and you'll continue having dinners out at MacDonald's.
     There are actually thousands of screenplays on studio shelves. I've seen them and heard sad stories from college graduates with film degrees bagging groceries, moving back home with parents. Don't let that happen to you!

CNN COMMENTATOR JAKE TAPPER VS. WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI

     The rhetoric between these two power balls on CNN Sunday July 23, 2017 was historic and bombastic. Both guys probably deserve to be spanked for upsetting the verbal apple cart. Perhaps NEW YORK TIMES writer Maureen Dowd said it best:  '"President Trump has finally found a courtier who can give him the buttery, boundless respect he craves. A wealthy mini-me Manhattan bro with wolfy smile and slick coif who will say anything and flip any position. A self-promoter extraordinaire and master salesman who doesn’t mind pushing a bad product — and probably sees it as more fun. For ego gratification, Trump has struck gold — or Goldman Sachs — with his appointment of Wall Street hedge fund guy and cable TV diva Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director. The Mogul and the Mooch is a tender love story with dramatic implications for the imploding White House."
     Wow! Try and top that quote! Although Ms. Dowd is certainly vulerable. For example, during the Denver Democratic Convention in 2008, she waited in the long line to interview Lena Tessa Potapova carrying a protest sign: 38 MILLION BIRD WATCHERS ARE VOYEURS! PERVERTS,  LET THE BIRDS HUMP IN PRIVATE! 
     Jake Tapper is no slouch when it comes to debating a political hacker. Tapper is also a clever cartoonist,  just as Scaramucci excels in selling his snake oil and sniffing Trump's behind doggie fashion.
     Now the whole world waits impatiently for the final curtain, when Humpty Trumpty takes his fall off the Mexican/American wall. As he lies (pun intended) on the ground, one hand is raised in the Nazi salute and the other clutches a well worn copy of "Mein Kampf."
     If you paid a big price for this ringside saga there are no refunds. But there is hope!
     
       

Sean Spicer's Very First White House Press Conference

INTERIOR OF THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM JANUARY 10, 2017



REPORTER: Thank you for remembering my name. By the way, how do you pronounce yours? And I have a follow up question.

SPICER: Ahh. it's pronounced Sean as in braun. And Spicer as in Shicer. What is your follow up question?

REPORTER:  How do you spell your name?

SPICER:  S as in STUPID, E as in ENEMA, A as in APATHY and N as in NERD. That's SEAN, my first name. Now what was your other question?

REPORTER: How do you spell your last name?

SPICER: Ahh. S as in SHLEP, P as in POOP, I as in IDIOT, C as in CRUD, E as in ENEMY and R as in ROTTEN. 

REPORTER: My name is Robinson and I'm with the Associated Press and....

SPICER: (INTERRUPTING) Ahh.  We don't fake take news from the Associated Press, ahh I mean fake jews, I mean gnus, I mean, never mind. Next.

REPORTER: Have you ever been psychoanalized?

SPICER: No. Have you?

REPORTER: Oh, many times.

SPICER: How would you describe yourself?

REPORTER: Probably a nut job.

SPICER:  Our time is up. Thank you all for coming. Don't bother tomorrow. We're having all the locks changed and President Rump, I mean Hump, I mean Dump Trump will have the only gold plated key.

Why Did Vernon Duke Steal "April In Paris?"

     It was for the 1932 Broadway Show, "Walk A Little Faster."   The show was a smash hit and subsequently, Duke and his estate earned millions of dollars. So who was the legitimate author? Did he copyright "April In Paris?" Did he ever sue Vernon Duke? Why not? What's his name?
     His name is the Black Throated Green Warbler, he still lives in the Connecticut trees and has been singing "April In Paris" for over two-hundred years! Ask any member of the Audubon Society because they have recordings for verification. But they too are as impotent as the United Nations.
     I have attempted to find a pro bono attorney over the past forty years who is willing to file a law suit in Federal Court against Vernon Duke's estate, demanding a full accounting and a seven figure payment to all Black Throated Green Warblers. The legal community feels threatened by those sweet little birds who have been screwed. That is, no retainer fee up front is available.
     As a pro se, I could institute legal action. But the goody two shoes perverted bird watchers would band together as Friends of the Court and stall my case for years, forcing me to either drop my suit or declare bankruptcy. I prefer to sit it out and wait for some young buck freshly out of law school who is really compassionate about obtaining justice for the birds.
     Another negative factor is the ancient Copyright Law. It was slightly updated in 1978, allowing authors to retain rights until they die, plus seventy-five years. And there's no jail time for plagiarism. Just a slap on the wrist ("don't you ever do that again!") and a $1,000 fine. Maybe. If the thief cries a little, the judge can sentence him or her to 90 days of Community Service.
     When I once had an ad campaign plagiarized, the perpetrator was traced to Claremont, California where he operated a gift shop, with a printing press in the back room. Hmmmmm. And he was distributing my original work nationally as his own! One big display was in a ground floor show window of the Empire State Building. What balls!
     I visited the FBI and an agent gave me number 2,409. That was how many copyright cases were ahead of me for their investigation. Three years later the agent called. They found the culprit had sold his store and moved back to Mexico. Extradition was not possible. Only for rapists, killers and terrorists.
     Where can I contribute to build that wall?
    

The Wizard Of Odd and For Whom the Bells Tolled

     If this blog was a trivia contest, you would immediately know the title refers to DONALD TRUMP. This pathological liar has both skimmed and scammed the American public all the way to the White House, with help from fellow conspirator Vladimir Putin. Both of these rogues should be arrested for high crimes and tried at The Hague.
     Then they would be hanged in public for all to see. And that's when the bells will toll. Not in memory, but in misery. Americans  have all suffered during Trump's destructive dictatorship, his empty promises, vitriolic rhetoric, and now our guilt we let it last so long.
     We are living in the greatest country in the world. More or less. More because we are free to hate and act stupid. Less because Jim Crow and Anti-Semitism prevail.  Will we ever learn? Probably not. All those who voted for Trump should be hanging their heads in shame.
     America is a country that can forgive and forget. From one generation to the next. There have been questions about Senator Joe McCarthy, General Ike Eisenhower and General George Patton on JEOPARDY that the smarties didn't know.
     But we will always remember Pearl Harbor, John F. Kennedy, the 9/11 tragedy and Adam Lanza's brutality in murdering all those beautiful children. Thankfully, he committed suicide.
     Nor can we ever forget the horrendous Ponzi scheme by Bernard Madoff. This former president of the New York Stock Exchange lived high on the hog for many years, stealing thousands of people's savings and forcing them to live in homeless shelters. He is spending the 150 year sentence in a maximum security prison; that's the life of his penis, not the rest of his miserable body.
     Finally, let me leave you with the wisdom of Mrs.Yetta Bronstein, former independent candidate for President of the United States in 1964, when queried by reporters Huntley and Brinkley about her position on civil rights. She replied, "If we all can be civil, then we'll be right."
     

Why Is Jimmy Kimmel a Plagiarist?

     Because he stole my copyrighted campaign for clothing naked horses with horse pants. I proclaimed "a nude horse is a rude horse" in 1959 and had my book about SINA, the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals,  published by TRIDENT PRESS ("The Great American Hoax") in 1965.
     Paramount Pictures optioned the book for a movie to be produced by Martin Ritt ("Hud") that was to star Jack Lemmon and directed by Carl Reiner. Ira Wallach wrote the screenplay while his Broadway show, "Absence of a Cello," was engaged in a successful run.
     Unfortunately, Ritt passed away and the film project was abandoned by Paramount. It was later optioned again by producer Sidney Glazier. He won an Academy Award for his documentary, "The Eleanor Roosevelt Story." However, he didn't like the screenplay that my wife and I had written. so that was strike two.
     Enter the arena Woody Allen. He wrote me a letter asking to see the screenplay. We wanted to do another draft. Woody lost interest for other projects he had on back burners. Then Cary Grant expressed interest but became too involved with a movie of his own and Faberge, a company he held an interest in.
     Dustin Hoffman's lawyer called during the 90's to inquire about film rights. I met with Dustin's writing staff in New York City. After a few weeks they said they couldn't find the "hook" for developing a movie. That was strike three. We were back at square one.
     Suddenly, in 2016, Jimmy Kimmel appeared before the "Sharks" television show with a horse wearing Bermuda shorts and his sidekick, the Mexican midget. They wanted to raise money to clothe animals for the sake of decency!  That night, the horse pants saga was displayed again on Jimmy Kimmel's show, without permission, payment or credit to the property rights owner.
     Since ABC Television is owned by The Disney Company, they will soon be sued for copyright infringement in a class action lawsuit. Additional plaintiffs are being lined up so that the RICO ACT would prevail. That's a criminal act leading to hefty fines and prison time for the executives.
     Filing the lawsuit in Federal Court and obtaining Examinations Before Trial will lead to heavy duty media coverage. So stay tuned!
    

Why did noted psychiatrist, Dr. Irving Salan, say Donald Trump was a certified nut?

    The late Dr.  Irving Salan was a psychiatrist for the rich and famous back in the 90's. His cost for an hour on the couch was $300. A high price in those days. The first Tuesday of every month he held an open house party at his magnificant Park Avenue office in New York City . I was hired to entertain the 40-50 past, present and future clients. Also a dozen of his friends in the medical trade.
     My internist, Dr. Sydney Kreps, was a close friend of Dr. Salan's and arranged our introduction. We bonded immediately. I appeared at dozens of his monthly parties. Sometimes with one of my "Shills." For example, Pat Paulson who was on the Smothers Brothers TV Show. Pat pretended he was seeking a psychologist to travel with him on the road for a summer tour. Because he claimed to be suicidal.
     Dr. Salan's guests caught on immediately and plied Pat with questions that he answered frivolously and hilariously. It was quite an evening of fun. Another time I brought along friend Bob Pagani who was a uniformed guard at Madison Square Garden. Bob could always find me a front row seat when the Knicks played a basketball game. Nor did I have to pay.
     Anyhow, I arranged for Bob to appear at Dr. Salan's party when it was in full swing, knock on the door and claim he was looking for illegal aliens hiding in his apartment. With half-a-dozen huge rooms and walkin closets, that was possible. He was invited in to look and the large group of guests became silent and apprehensive. That is, unil Bob and I became involved in sarcastic banter that quickly revealed the hoax. There was good natured laughter and applause.
     When Dr. Salan retired, he moved to the farm he purchased in New Hampshire, along with his wife Elaine and two German Shephard dogs. They were docile, loving and very protective when anyone came to the house. Then, both dogs would stiffen, growl and poise, ready to attack.
     I visited Dr. Salen a few times as his overnight guest and we would take long walks in the woods with his two dogs wagging their tails. On one walk, just before he passed away, I asked him to tell me something about his patients. "Well," he said, "I'm an MD sworn not to tell tales out of my private practice. I will say that this real estate mogul, Donald Trump, is a certified nut job. No way I could change his mentality. And I certainly tried!"