TENNIS EVERYONE!

     The 2016 US Open Tennis Tournament introduced a new convertible roof over the Arthur Ashe Court...in case it rains....and many more seats for a total of 23,000 sitting and millions watching on TV. The net profit for the US Open was 40 million dollars. And, believe it or not, the winner of the men's single and the women's single each received 3.5 million dollars! The all-silver trophy was HUGE and probably worth another million, if melted down.
     Today's tennis is a far cry from the 1940's when I observed Bill Tilden and Bobby Riggs courtside at Oberlin College. They played with wooden rackets, gut strings, skinny tennis balls and served at 50 mph. They were lucky if they got transportation money from their homes and sponsorship was unheard of. Everybody competing was pretty much on their own.
     Winning the trophy was a big deal then. No money changed hands. Anyone with a racket could enter the tournament, including bookmakers,  and wearing white outfits were suggested but not mandatory. You won for the sport of winning. I felt that inclination and played tennis throughout high school and college. But there were too many excellent players and so I veered towards a career in music.
     Fast forward to 2016 and we barely remember Roger Federer from Switzerland or Rafael from Spain.  Remember Martina Hingus? I didn't think you  did. She was a tennis champion at the young age of 16 two decades ago. Nowadays the tennis pro can expect no more than two decades for earning a small fortune. That includes tournaments and sponsors. As long as they stay in good condition and don't ever get sick.
     My opinion about today's sports....football, basketball and tennis primarily....is that the "stars" are overpaid. Lebron James, Steph Curry, Dwayne Wade all multi-millionaires playing basketball. To hear their coaches urge teams to "go out there and have fun." They might add, "you better win or you'll be traded to another losing team."
     We will never ever return to the truly good old days of sports heroes performing their best just to win, rather than for the money. The stadiums today have to fill thousands of seats; they can't just make a profit on hot dogs and beer. Oh well, such is life in the fast lane of enterprise.
     If  you want to know why I gave up tennis thirty years ago, read my  Questionable Commentary #18, "Tennis Anyone." It has a few more laughs than this one.
    

    

Want To Win $7,000 A Week For The Rest Of Your Life?

     Publishers Clearing House offers suckers an impossible chance to win $7,000 a week FOR LIFE in their TV ads. This is the same scandal ridden company that was throwing all entries to win in their dumpster. They seemed to have recovered from that illegal dumping. Just don't hold your breath!
     I receive their letters, a dozen pages with bait trap stickers on each page for making a purchase, albeit a disclaimer says "you don't have to buy anything to win." One page boldly says YOU ARE ALREADY A WINNER! Because you were selected to receive piles of junk mail and are stupid enough to think you might win the jackpot.
     Actually, you'll do better to buy your crapola at a 99 Cent Store. Or try QVC and eBay on the Internet. Some people have filled their houses and garages with all the garbage purchased on line.
Buying crap is an addiction, along with gambling, drugs and drinking. Yes, some people actually have orgasms when they paw through their piles of refuse. Don't even think of going there!
     Publishers Clearing House spews unsuspecting consumers with wild promises of getting rich for the rest of their lives, through constant PCH mailings saying: "You could win in October!" Then, for the next six or eight months a winner is promised with more seductive ads saying so. Fat chance! Forget it! Frustrated? Just go play with yourself. You'll feel better with an aspirin and a nap, followed by a cold shower to wake up your senses.
     Finally, you don't have to send me any nasty letters. I have enough perverted hard copy to stir up my bile. Don't test me. Thanks!

D. H. Smith, General Manager

PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE

101 Winners Circle

Port Washington, NY 11050

Dear D. H .Smith,

     How can I ever thank you for rushing to me my DELIVERY VERIFICATION NUMBER: 13419349613419 on PCH FORM 13-X within two days!

     However, D.H. Smith, the thought of winning $7,000 a week for the rest of my life scares me. Right now I am living comfortably on only $500 a week. So maybe you can spread $6,500 a week around to others.

     If not, I’ll let our grandson claim the money because he’s only one year old and intends to live to a hundred. But how many more years will PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE live? Let me think about that possibility.

     Otherwise, D.H. Smith, I’ll be waiting for that knock on the front door in February to greet you, and accept the first check in the amount of $7,000, along with the marching band, all the balloons and neighbors with their hands out to pay their mortgages and help them build new homes.

     So, until that rendezvous, I remain both excited and exhausted over this BIG WIN!!!   Sincerely, Alan Abel

    

    

WHAT DO SOCIAL SECURITY AND POT ROAST HAVE IN COMMON?

WHAT DO SOCIAL SECURITY AND POT ROAST HAVE IN COMMON?

     First of all, Social Security has made deductions in payments to Senior Citizens this month that are quite substantial. This move has been essential for states that contribute money to SS coffers, because neither has a pot to piss in.

     The pot roast at MaggieMcFlys’ Restaurants in Connecticut is usually the best in America! But when it’s bad, it’s the worst. Their food in Southbury,CT  has the greatest roast beef, usually. Occasionally, it is terribly tough, over cooked and has to be abandoned for another entrée.

     Another fault with Maggie’s place is her Lottery Box. If you fill out the yellow form (there are half-a-dozen at each table and booth) and rave about the food, service, lighting, décor, the overhead airplane and lots of other stuff, you might win a $50 gift card towards your next dinner.

     I have been trying to win that gift card for seven years and at least a hundred visits to Maggie’s in Southbury. No luck whatsoever. But then I haven’t won the lottery for either MegaMillions or Powerball in over twenty years.

     So, the Social Security pot and Maggie’s pot have something in common: you might win, you can’t win if you’re not in, and the odds against winning are phenomenal. Both are now no-win situations. I don’t have the extra SS money to eat and pay for dinner at McFlys. 

     My projection over the SS deduction this month will lead to millions of more votes for Donald Trump and he will become Dictator of America “to make it great again.” We are packing our bags for a move to Canada and live there, along with all the Draft Dodgers from the Vietnam War era, and the former Nazi SS Officers.

     Canada’s Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, is the epitome of honest leadership and we’ll watch the TV news with anguish to see Trump deport 11 million aliens, then the blacks, tans, Muslims, Jews, gypsies, senior citizens, disabled and dissatisfied.

     Just remember: BEING FOREWARNED IS TO BE FOREARMED!

How I Almost Left My Heart In Rio de Janeiro

     A few years ago, Eric Swensen, Senior Editor with W.W. Norton Publishing, called me to send an autographed copy of my book, "Don't Get Mad...Get Even," published by Norton, to Alan Gray. He was the son of L. Patrick Gray, former Director of the FBI under disgraced President Richard Nixon.
     Alan Gray was an attorney in private practice and he offered to exchange an unused round trip airline ticket from New York City to Rio de Janiero on TWA. I sent the autographed book to him and he sent me a voucher for the airline ticket that I was to sign and send back to TWA, which I did.
     I was very excited over this opportunity to visit Brazil for a few days and I brushed up on my Portuguese, with help from a neighbor who had lived in Rio de Janeiro for several years. She warned me to stay close to my hotel, walk around daylight hours and not at night.
     Apparently, robbers were everywhere and could spot a tourist in seconds. They worked as a team of three. One would offer to show you around, speaking broken English, another would accidently bump into you and the third robber grab your wallet on the run. The other two joined up down the road and they split the cash.
     "It happens all the time," she said, adding, "when my husband and I lived there we always walked in public with others as a group. And this procedure discouraged the culprits from approaching any of us. We never really felt safe, always on guard against thieves."
     I had my hotel reservation for three nights in downtown Rio de Janeiro, could speak a few sentences in Portuguese for ordering food, saying "hello, thanks and goodby." Then I waited patiently for TWA to send me the airline ticket.
     A week went by, then another week and a third. I called TWA and they said they had mailed the ticket two weeks ago. Not to me, as requested, but to Alan Gray in error. My call to Gray's office was answered by his secretary. She said he was vacationing in Rio de Janeiro!
     I was very upset over this betrayal. My subsequent bill to Gray for the book was ignored. Nor was there a word of apology. Perhaps I could have gone to Small Claims Court and sued for breach of contract. But my attorney friend, Bob Schwartz, advised me to forget the matter and bite the bullet.
     This is how I almost left my heart in Rio de Janeiro. It's difficult to forgive and forget. Even while I watch two weeks of exciting Olympics on television, with my wallet securely hidden in my rear button down pocket.

Where Is Jeff Bezos Hiding?

     I've been trying to reach Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon.com, via snail mail. My third letter has also been returned to me, "RETURN TO SENDER. UNABLE TO DELIVER AS ADDRESSED AND UNABLE TO FORWARD."
     Now that is a rude way to react to a good customer for the past fifteen years. Why is he hiding from the Post Office? His address is clearly published on the Internet, the marketplace where Jeffy makes his millions every month. Yes, I mean every month, not year. Maybe that's why he is hiding.
     This is all very perplexing to me. Not even Dan, my postal executive with the Post Office can tell me anything. He is happy to just sell me stamps, now three of those little buggers for 49 cents each. At least they are FOREVER; i.e. I don't have to worry about not having enough postage for First Class mailings, even ten years down the road.
     Perhaps Jeff Bezos has this faux address (1200  12th Avenue, Seattle, WA 98144) to discourage fans seeking autographs or other favors. Women would obviously be offering "special services" for books, if he accepted their letters. And potential kidnappers will definitely have a tough time capturing their victim.
     If anyone has a clue how I can find Jiff Bezos, I would appreciate knowing. I can offer as a reward, an autographed copy of my last book (and it was). Just don't play games with me. And don't even think of hoaxing me. I have perceptive powers, better than a lazer beam, that can zero in on you, in retaliation of course, and tickle your butt uncontrollably for hours.
     Several years ago, Mark Zuckerberg was on "60 Minutes") and he said openly, before at least fifteen million viewers, that he walked to work from his home to his office. WOW! No security guards, friends, relatives or police escort for him. No, he does it alone, thumbing his nose at all the dysfunctional people jerking off and planning an illegal crime. Such as kidnapping.
     I have correspondence with people in very high places: Frank Sinatra, Princess Grace, Walter Winchell, Ed Sullivan, Jack Paar, Mario Lanza, Roger Ailes, Richard Nixon (I was even invited to the White House) and many others. They all have one thing in common. They are all dead.
     Obviously, I can hide behind the Fifth Amendment if accused of anything. Maybe not murder. Hmmmmm. Never mind that last comment. Just contact me on FACEBOOK if you find Jeff Bezos or maybe Waldo. You get the reward for him too. Plus I'll keep all the royalties, thank you.

SELECT QUOTE GETS MY NO VOTE!

     Select Quote advertises heavily that you, AND I MEAN YOU, can get $500,000 for only $13.00 a month. Yes, that's all you pay for the first month and you better be in perfect health and under 35 years of age. If you are older than 85 years, forget it. A sign of one of the telephone and internet desk reads: DEEP SIX THE LEPERS.
     Select Quote seeks a company or two for selling SUCKER YOU a policy. It's smooth sailing for a few months, probably six months, and then your premium rate is doubled. At the end of a year it is three and four times the amount your last month's premium was. And everybody on the other end profits except you. Even if you die young there is small print in the policy that nobody reads and denies you the full amount of your policy.
     So let's talk about Highway Robbery.  On second thought let's not. Just stay away from SELECT QUOTE and you'll live happily ever after.  BTW I just celebrated my 92nd birthday!  No insurance necessary.

Why Do Bonanza And Peter Pan Bus Companies Stink?

     Well, first of all their toilets are just holes in a shell and smell to high hell. Like somebody who had diarrhea and stomach ulcers puked in the hole months ago and spread the stink forever. It will never smell good. Just ask the company CEO, Peter J. Pickanilly. With a name like that he must be voting for Donald Trump.
     I made four tries to make a round trip ticket purchase on line from Southbury, CT to New York City. In an hour and 45 minutes I managed to print three round trip tickets for my wife and I that were not readable. A third printing of the six pages necessary stated incorrect prices, and a questionable service fee of $8.
     My next move will be Small Claims Court in New Haven, CT. My attorney advised this move and suggested I file for the maximum, $5,000. Both bus companies have attorneys on staff salaries and will want to settle for half the maximum, $2,500. I accept $3,000 maybe. It depends on their attitude in court. I've been an active pro se for the past fifty years in New York City courts, and I know how to play devil's advocate in order to win.
     Unfortunately, both Peter Pan and Bonanza have a strangle hold on people traveling on their respective lines. Because there is no other way to go between most of the New England cities unless you drive or hitch hike. RR lines are restricted to Hartford, Boston, Danbury and New Haven. The early railroad builders only had horse and buggy competition. "The Iron Horse" wasn't that big a threat yet.
     With all the electoral bruhaha raging before Election Day, on November 8th, that would be a good time for voters to clean both houses of Congress for new and feisty Congressmen and Congresswomen who will serve the public properly. That could happen, especially now that Donald Trump has both feet in big mouth.