In the mid sixties Phil Donahue was a struggling talk show host on radio in Dayton,OH. His producer, Dick Thrall, was a friend from Columbus,OH and invited me to appear on Phil's show when I visited in-laws in Cincinnati. I made the trip and appeared half-a-dozen times in as many years before Phil graduated to Chicago and syndication on TV. He became a very hot property.
But in the early Dayton days he was just another talker with an all-female audience of perhaps a hundred elderly ladies with their sewing or crocheting baskets. Their reward at the end of an hour show was trying to catch a loaf of white bread. Dozens of loaves were tossed to the ladies, many breaking open, spewing slices of bread all over the small studio. It was total mayhem, and Phil loved it. I didn't.
I have about a hundred fan letters that Phil received commenting highly on my appearances with him. Listeners loved the banter between us and he played it straight when I proposed outlandish ideas for draining the Ohio River or attaching wheels to buildings so secretaries could pedal at work for exercise and transport the building into the country.
In the early 70's I had my autobiography published by MacMillan, "Confessions of a Hoaxer," and the publicity manager asked me to call the the Phil Donahue Show and arrange an appearance to kick off book sales. I spoke with Phil's producer, Debbie, and she said she would get back to me ASAP.
The next day she called me in New York: "Alan, I'm sorry but Phil feels that he has already interviewed you so many times in Dayton, he doesn't want to do it anymore. But thanks for the opportunity." I was flabbergasted! All those shows were done around Christmas when I left my family and often drove in miserable weather to entertain Donahue's audience. I never got paid and never even got a loaf of white bread. I was being screwed!
When I reported back to Tom the publicity man at MacMillan, he too was shocked. "How could Donahue dismiss you when your life's story is being published, especially after all the shows you did for him, and now you need a favor in return. That, Alan, is a real bummer!"
Nevertheless, I made the usual book tour and that helped sell a lot of books. But I carried a chip on my shoulder at being shut out by the guy I helped out in Dayton. Then, a few years later, one of his staff members called me and said, "Alan, I would like to send you a dozen tickets to the Phil Donahue Show, when we move to New York City and broadcast over the full NBC-TV network. Consider you and your friends to be a Welcome Wagon."
I gritted my teeth. Here was my opportunity for revenge, to screw Phil Donahue royally. And did I ever hit the jackpot! My fake organization was F.A.I.N.T., or Fight Against Idiotic Nogood Television. Flyers were printed for Informational Picketing and my cohorts rehearsed their roles, with Paul Hiatt, my long time associate in charge.
The basic plan for the first live show with 400 in the audience, was for my team to raise their hands to question one of the eight senior citizens on stage, all in their 80's and gay. They were coming out of the closet and revealing their secret lives. As each of my people stood and started to talk, they fainted. Then a few in the audience not with FAINT began feeling ill and fainted.
It was pandemonium in Studio 8-C as medics arrived, Donahue announced on camera, "we just lost another one," and cleared the studio. He was out of control, perspiring perfusely and stuttering on camera as he tried to maintain composure without success. The show went off the air early. All this time I was in a nearby hotel room with friend Richard Crater, both of us laughing hysterically, tears flowing.
That night, the NEW YORK POST carried the Page One headline: AUDIENCE FLEES DONAHUE SHOW. Phil was on all the TV news shows, still perspiring, out of control, trying to explain why: "It might have been the heat inside, the cold outside, the fact we were live across America or embarrassed because of the subject matter."
Within a few days Phil learned I was the culprit and he kicked the furniture in his office. That is, until his ratings soared and I received a Christmas Card saying" May nothing in the New Year cause you to faint." Hmmmmmm. Thanks Phil. And the same to you!
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Friday, June 3, 2016
An Open Letter To Hillery Clinton
Dear Mrs. Clinton,
A grateful nation admires your fortitude and resilience as you campaign to win the Presidency of the United States of America. We are also proud of the way you "stand your ground" against the snide and often degenerate remarks from Donald Trump, who is probably suffering from Mad Cow Disease as he goes through "mentalpause."
Do Republicans really want that golden haired slob to lead the greatest country in the world? We don't hear a peep to the contrary. That's politics! It's "be kind to your neighbor and kiss ass when asked to do so." Also consider his handbook is "Mein Kampf" and Adolph Hitler a mentor.
Your credentials, Mrs. Clinton, are extraordinary: Former First Lady, Secretary of State, Member of Congress, lawyer, wife, grandmother and now running for President of the USA. Wow! You should not have to answer to a scumbag for your qualifications to be elected and you can really make America great again.
Donald Trump has failed to pay a default judgment against THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION for over 20 years from the Civil Court of the City of New York. So he is also a deadbeat. Here are the particulars:
A grateful nation admires your fortitude and resilience as you campaign to win the Presidency of the United States of America. We are also proud of the way you "stand your ground" against the snide and often degenerate remarks from Donald Trump, who is probably suffering from Mad Cow Disease as he goes through "mentalpause."
Do Republicans really want that golden haired slob to lead the greatest country in the world? We don't hear a peep to the contrary. That's politics! It's "be kind to your neighbor and kiss ass when asked to do so." Also consider his handbook is "Mein Kampf" and Adolph Hitler a mentor.
Your credentials, Mrs. Clinton, are extraordinary: Former First Lady, Secretary of State, Member of Congress, lawyer, wife, grandmother and now running for President of the USA. Wow! You should not have to answer to a scumbag for your qualifications to be elected and you can really make America great again.
Donald Trump has failed to pay a default judgment against THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION for over 20 years from the Civil Court of the City of New York. So he is also a deadbeat. Here are the particulars:
For Immediate Release: (6/6/16)
Presidential
candidate DONALD TRUMP is being sued for avoiding payment of a DEFAULT JUDGMENT
handed down by the Civil Court of the City of New York.
During a New York
Book Fair, the city’s Fifth Avenue was closed to traffic from 42nd
Street to 59th Street. Those 17 blocks of streets and sidewalks were
available to publishers and authors for selling their books from 9 am until 6
pm.
When the PLAINTIFF,
Alan Abel, (“Don’t Get Mad…Get Even” W.W.Norton) began selling his books in
front of TRUMP TOWER, security guards were ordered to evict him. Three glowering linebacker types
carried out this assignment with four words: “Move now or else!”
They claimed that
DONALD TRUMP owned the sidewalk in front of TRUMP TOWER, and it was his private
property. A retired New York City Police Officer passing by, countered that the
sidewalk belonged to the public.
He was also advised by the linebackers to take a hike.
The following day, in
Small Claims Court, Plaintiff Abel stated his case and won a DEFAULT JUDGMENT
in the amount of $919.58 plus interest.
Subsequently, DONALD TRUMP and his TRUMP ORGANIZATION ignored the law
and refused to make payment.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Do you really want to unsubscribe?
Yes, I want to quit having to spend an hour or more everyday deleting all the ads, pitches, comments and pleas for funds for the destitute in South Africa, also North, West and East.
I have my own personal private list for occasional and modest donations. Most of the pitchers seeking money take 95% for their operating expenses. Hmmmmmm. PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE ME!
But they won't let go. Forget the free trip to South America if you press #1. JUST HANG UP>
If you press #2 to get off the list, they darken the screen so you can barely read the text as follows:
Are you sure you want to leave us?-----------------------------
What prompted you to decline our Grand Prize just for you and your mate?-------------------
Can you reeconsider your decision to depart? If so we'll throw in free air fare--------(If you don't mind being strapped to the wings)
Don't you care that I support three kids as a single father?-----------
The pleas for your return to these hucksters continues for another minute. Then fade out and on to your desk top or home page. There you will see another form of "pimpertising" via drop down that says "You like Big Band Music, don't you? and "How did you like the concert with Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett? Wasn't that a blast from the past!" "Here is a bargain on the drum battle between Ringo Starr and Ginger Baker. Buy the DVD for only $4 plus $6 handling and shipping."
Now you''re ready for Prozac or a double Scotch. No point in becoming a druggie or drunk. Instead, strike back with a reply that warns the scammer to change his or her password as follows:
I have my own personal private list for occasional and modest donations. Most of the pitchers seeking money take 95% for their operating expenses. Hmmmmmm. PLEASE UNSUBSCRIBE ME!
But they won't let go. Forget the free trip to South America if you press #1. JUST HANG UP>
If you press #2 to get off the list, they darken the screen so you can barely read the text as follows:
Are you sure you want to leave us?-----------------------------
What prompted you to decline our Grand Prize just for you and your mate?-------------------
Can you reeconsider your decision to depart? If so we'll throw in free air fare--------(If you don't mind being strapped to the wings)
Don't you care that I support three kids as a single father?-----------
The pleas for your return to these hucksters continues for another minute. Then fade out and on to your desk top or home page. There you will see another form of "pimpertising" via drop down that says "You like Big Band Music, don't you? and "How did you like the concert with Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett? Wasn't that a blast from the past!" "Here is a bargain on the drum battle between Ringo Starr and Ginger Baker. Buy the DVD for only $4 plus $6 handling and shipping."
Now you''re ready for Prozac or a double Scotch. No point in becoming a druggie or drunk. Instead, strike back with a reply that warns the scammer to change his or her password as follows:
` Resetting The Password
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has
expired - you must register a new one."
roses
"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1fuckingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FUCKINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FuckingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessFuckingnow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessFuckingNow
"Sorry, that password is already in use.”
roses
"Sorry, too few characters."
pretty roses
"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."
1 pretty rose
"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."
1prettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."
1fuckingprettyrose
"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."
1FUCKINGprettyrose
"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."
1FuckingPrettyRose
"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessFuckingnow!
"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."
1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessFuckingNow
"Sorry, that password is already in use.”
"
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Want to win two million dollars, $10,000 a month for life and a new car? Try buying something from PCH, sucker!
Well, don't hold your breath, close your eyes and wait 5,000 years. You will then be nothing but rotten bones and your car long ago reduced to a 2 x 4 piece of rusty plastic. PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE will have discarded your application into the garbage and declared bankrupcy. The CEO and other corporate officers laughed themselves silly before committing suicide while toasting the late Reverand Jones of Guyana and a former disgraced candidate for President of the United States, Sir Donald Trump.
Yes, folks, in a moment of depressed fury, the Queen of England had knighted that pompous bugger with her sword. She intended to stab him for fondling her breasts, but she missed. No charges were ever filed and Trump was buried in Potter's Field somewhere on Roosevelt Island after he lost his entire fortune in a civil suit filed by one of his eight ex-wives, Marla Maples.
Publishers Clearing House does exactly as its name says: they clear out customers' hard earned money for the crap they sell. And they use P.T. Barnum as their mentor with constant reminders near sales pitches on their mailings: WINNERS GUARANTEED! What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. Not even an EXIT WARNING. At lease Barnum did that with his museum's EGRESS sign that was a door to the sidewalk.
So don't spend any of that PCH two million dollars lottery. It won't help if you buy something. And it won't help if you don't buy anything. Just don't waste your time opening their deceptive envelopes filled with garbage gifts. Throw their shit right into the round file.
Thanks to Al Gore's invention, The Internet, there are many thousands of other scammers who purchase mailing lists, especially seniors, and regularly pitch them on line, via snail mail and through telemarketers. We are not really safe from these birds of prey. Just tear and toss, delete or hang up. Don't be a victim!
Personally, I enjoy playing with these pitchers. When Arthur Murray's Dance Studio called me to say I had just won three free dance lessons, I claimed to have only one leg. When the caller apologized profusely, I asked about pole dancing instead. He cursed me out and hung up abruptly.
Ditto for the NRA pitchman who offered me a five year subscription to the National Rifle Association's monthly magazine, "Kill Thy Neighbor," for only$250, marked down from $350 just for seniors. I said we already had a bow and sheath of poisoned arrows to repel home invaders, then hung up on him.
Yes, folks, in a moment of depressed fury, the Queen of England had knighted that pompous bugger with her sword. She intended to stab him for fondling her breasts, but she missed. No charges were ever filed and Trump was buried in Potter's Field somewhere on Roosevelt Island after he lost his entire fortune in a civil suit filed by one of his eight ex-wives, Marla Maples.
Publishers Clearing House does exactly as its name says: they clear out customers' hard earned money for the crap they sell. And they use P.T. Barnum as their mentor with constant reminders near sales pitches on their mailings: WINNERS GUARANTEED! What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. Not even an EXIT WARNING. At lease Barnum did that with his museum's EGRESS sign that was a door to the sidewalk.
So don't spend any of that PCH two million dollars lottery. It won't help if you buy something. And it won't help if you don't buy anything. Just don't waste your time opening their deceptive envelopes filled with garbage gifts. Throw their shit right into the round file.
Thanks to Al Gore's invention, The Internet, there are many thousands of other scammers who purchase mailing lists, especially seniors, and regularly pitch them on line, via snail mail and through telemarketers. We are not really safe from these birds of prey. Just tear and toss, delete or hang up. Don't be a victim!
Personally, I enjoy playing with these pitchers. When Arthur Murray's Dance Studio called me to say I had just won three free dance lessons, I claimed to have only one leg. When the caller apologized profusely, I asked about pole dancing instead. He cursed me out and hung up abruptly.
Ditto for the NRA pitchman who offered me a five year subscription to the National Rifle Association's monthly magazine, "Kill Thy Neighbor," for only$250, marked down from $350 just for seniors. I said we already had a bow and sheath of poisoned arrows to repel home invaders, then hung up on him.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Why Is STARBUCK'S So Desperate?
An appealing email I received from STARBUCKS offered me a free series of samples. I couldn't ignore such an offer. But wait. When I clicked on the GET FREE SAMPLES, a dropdown ad said I should first complete a "brief survey." O.K. fair enough. However, the survey was really a sucker trap to buy unwanted items for my face, hands, eyes, nose, ears, feet, knees, stomach, hair, teeth, gums, hips and ass.
Well, folks, I wasted at least a half-hour of my precious time marking "no" to all the diseases, irritations and pimples I might have. Then, when I tried to leave the last page of this diatribe, another dropdown ad pleaded with me to stay on and buy something, anything. For emphasis, they darkened my home page so I couldn't see who else was sending me emails.
Where were the free samples from STARBUCKS? Nowhere, of course. Me big sucker. But no more. From now on I delete everything being offered me. I don't want samples, I don't want sucker traps and I don't want to be followed or follow any on Twitter. In addition, I am unsubsribing just about every icon that has cluttered my home page and incoming email. So should you.
This is my brief blog for today. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any longer. NO MORE FREE STUFF will clutter my office!!!
Well, folks, I wasted at least a half-hour of my precious time marking "no" to all the diseases, irritations and pimples I might have. Then, when I tried to leave the last page of this diatribe, another dropdown ad pleaded with me to stay on and buy something, anything. For emphasis, they darkened my home page so I couldn't see who else was sending me emails.
Where were the free samples from STARBUCKS? Nowhere, of course. Me big sucker. But no more. From now on I delete everything being offered me. I don't want samples, I don't want sucker traps and I don't want to be followed or follow any on Twitter. In addition, I am unsubsribing just about every icon that has cluttered my home page and incoming email. So should you.
This is my brief blog for today. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any longer. NO MORE FREE STUFF will clutter my office!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Bank of America is Stank of America
I've been with Bank of America for over 30 years and I continue to get ripped off. Funds sent directly to my account from overseas continue to be "held for processing." Why? Well, because the bank invests in the stock market (please come back Bernie Madoff and steal boldly) with depositors' money. It's all quite legal. Hmmmmm. But Insider Trading isn't, except for Members of Congress. So the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
My latest beef with Bank of America (yes, I'm switching to Chase) concerns an automatic payment of insurance premiums monthly to Liberty Mutual. Since the latter has doubled its premiums over my past four years of loyal service (only one minor fender bender), I've decided to try another insurer (no names please). When I called Bank of America to cease and desist on my monthly payment, the young lady in the Philippines advised me there would be a $30 charge. No way Jose!
I call it extortion. They call it standard banking procedure. Willie Sutton and Donald Trump would call it HONEST THIEVERY. Hillery Clinton and Bernie Sanders would........never mind. I'm just thinking as I blather on with this blog.
Meantime, I've just finished reading the rules posted by FedEx to win a ton of money. That took me an hour to discover I had to make a FedEx shipment before entering their wonderful contest. I suspect the odds are 1 in 175,000,000 for winning. That sounds like Powerball or MegaMillions. You don't stand a chance of winning anything. But you will lose your patience and trust in FedEx. No thanks!
Now I'm beginning to wonder why oh why did I ever leave Ohio. It's so comfortable and quiet back there in the small town I grew up in. One murder in 18 years. A naked woman came floating down our Walhounding River. The sheriff, under great pressure to solve the crime, was quoted in the COSHOCTON DAILY DISAPPOINTMENT as saying, "She ain't from around here because her toenails are painted. Must be a big city gal."
Thanks for reading. Next blog, I will discuss the night I spent with Frank Sinatra, Jr. What a blast that was!
My latest beef with Bank of America (yes, I'm switching to Chase) concerns an automatic payment of insurance premiums monthly to Liberty Mutual. Since the latter has doubled its premiums over my past four years of loyal service (only one minor fender bender), I've decided to try another insurer (no names please). When I called Bank of America to cease and desist on my monthly payment, the young lady in the Philippines advised me there would be a $30 charge. No way Jose!
I call it extortion. They call it standard banking procedure. Willie Sutton and Donald Trump would call it HONEST THIEVERY. Hillery Clinton and Bernie Sanders would........never mind. I'm just thinking as I blather on with this blog.
Meantime, I've just finished reading the rules posted by FedEx to win a ton of money. That took me an hour to discover I had to make a FedEx shipment before entering their wonderful contest. I suspect the odds are 1 in 175,000,000 for winning. That sounds like Powerball or MegaMillions. You don't stand a chance of winning anything. But you will lose your patience and trust in FedEx. No thanks!
Now I'm beginning to wonder why oh why did I ever leave Ohio. It's so comfortable and quiet back there in the small town I grew up in. One murder in 18 years. A naked woman came floating down our Walhounding River. The sheriff, under great pressure to solve the crime, was quoted in the COSHOCTON DAILY DISAPPOINTMENT as saying, "She ain't from around here because her toenails are painted. Must be a big city gal."
Thanks for reading. Next blog, I will discuss the night I spent with Frank Sinatra, Jr. What a blast that was!
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Be Ready 24/7 With Cialis. Or Else Call Your Doctor.
Wonder Drug Cialis promises a lot. You can have sex anytime, anywhere, anyhow. If you have an erection more than four hours, call your doctor. Let's try that right now. Just keep reading.
AA: Is the doctor in?
Dr. No, this is his robot. You can call me Hank. First, the menu. If this is an emergency call 911. If you are an MD dial 1. If you are a RN get back to work. If you have a headache, take an aspirin, go to bed and call me tomorrow. If you wish to make an appointment, dial 2 and keep wishing. You might get lucky. If you are still erect and horny, masturbate. Otherwise, hang up and prepare for side effects. Things like coughing, sneezing, nose bleeds, vomiting, diarrhea and fainting. If the latter, you will eventually wake up. Unless you fall on a pointed object. Then there will be blood on the floor. Get to an ER hospital pronto. Press 3 if you promise not to bother me again. However, if you want to schedule a threesome, press 4. My secretary with the incredible body will offer several available dates, along with the location and time. I'll bring the condoms. You'll pay for dinner. Remember: mums the word. (MUSIC: 'Flow Gently Sweet Afton") This audio tape will now erase and become blank for the next caller. Wait time is 37 minutes. BTW Don't forget to donate your organs when the Grim Reaper hauls you in. Also, cremation is much, much cheaper than a funeral. Thanks for calling and have a nice day. Or night. PS Would you like to stay on the line and take a short survey? I guess not.
(MUSIC UP AND FADE OUT)
In this age of cyber optics and digital electronics we are all subjected to robots replacing people. The former are cheaper to manufacture and maintain. They aren't AWOL because of sickness, periods or vacations. Nor do they have to belong to a union and picket for more perks such as salary increases. And probably best of all, no robot has ever displayed a love of guns and murdered fellow employees when frustrated over his or her sex life. Regardless, I am ordering more Cialis today!
AA: Is the doctor in?
Dr. No, this is his robot. You can call me Hank. First, the menu. If this is an emergency call 911. If you are an MD dial 1. If you are a RN get back to work. If you have a headache, take an aspirin, go to bed and call me tomorrow. If you wish to make an appointment, dial 2 and keep wishing. You might get lucky. If you are still erect and horny, masturbate. Otherwise, hang up and prepare for side effects. Things like coughing, sneezing, nose bleeds, vomiting, diarrhea and fainting. If the latter, you will eventually wake up. Unless you fall on a pointed object. Then there will be blood on the floor. Get to an ER hospital pronto. Press 3 if you promise not to bother me again. However, if you want to schedule a threesome, press 4. My secretary with the incredible body will offer several available dates, along with the location and time. I'll bring the condoms. You'll pay for dinner. Remember: mums the word. (MUSIC: 'Flow Gently Sweet Afton") This audio tape will now erase and become blank for the next caller. Wait time is 37 minutes. BTW Don't forget to donate your organs when the Grim Reaper hauls you in. Also, cremation is much, much cheaper than a funeral. Thanks for calling and have a nice day. Or night. PS Would you like to stay on the line and take a short survey? I guess not.
(MUSIC UP AND FADE OUT)
In this age of cyber optics and digital electronics we are all subjected to robots replacing people. The former are cheaper to manufacture and maintain. They aren't AWOL because of sickness, periods or vacations. Nor do they have to belong to a union and picket for more perks such as salary increases. And probably best of all, no robot has ever displayed a love of guns and murdered fellow employees when frustrated over his or her sex life. Regardless, I am ordering more Cialis today!
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