Want to win two million dollars, $10,000 a month for life and a new car? Try buying something from PCH, sucker!

     Well, don't hold your breath, close your eyes and wait 5,000 years. You will then be nothing but rotten bones and your car long ago reduced to a 2 x 4 piece of rusty plastic. PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE will have discarded your application into the garbage and declared bankrupcy. The CEO and other corporate officers laughed themselves silly before committing suicide while toasting the late Reverand Jones of Guyana and a former disgraced candidate for President of the United States, Sir Donald Trump.
     Yes, folks, in a moment of depressed fury, the Queen of England had knighted that pompous bugger with her sword. She intended to stab him for fondling her breasts, but she missed. No charges were ever filed and Trump was buried in Potter's Field somewhere on Roosevelt Island after he lost his entire fortune in a civil suit filed by one of his eight ex-wives, Marla Maples.
     Publishers Clearing House does exactly as its name says: they clear out customers' hard earned money for the crap they sell. And they use P.T. Barnum as their mentor with constant reminders near sales pitches on their mailings: WINNERS GUARANTEED! What does that mean? Absolutely nothing. Not even an EXIT WARNING. At lease Barnum did that with his museum's EGRESS sign that was a door to the sidewalk.
     So don't spend any of that PCH two million dollars lottery. It won't help if you buy something. And it won't help if you don't buy anything. Just don't waste your time opening their deceptive envelopes filled with garbage gifts. Throw their shit right into the round file.
     Thanks to Al Gore's invention, The Internet, there are many thousands of other scammers who purchase mailing lists, especially seniors, and regularly pitch them on line, via snail mail and through telemarketers. We are not really safe from these birds of prey. Just tear and toss, delete or hang up. Don't be a victim!
     Personally, I enjoy playing with these pitchers. When Arthur Murray's Dance Studio called me to say I had just won three free dance lessons, I claimed to have only one leg. When the caller apologized profusely, I asked about pole dancing instead. He cursed me out and  hung up abruptly.     
      Ditto for the NRA pitchman who offered me a five year subscription to the National Rifle Association's monthly magazine, "Kill Thy Neighbor," for only$250, marked down from $350 just for seniors.  I said we already had a bow and  sheath of poisoned arrows to repel home invaders, then hung up on him.
    
     

Why Is STARBUCK'S So Desperate?

     An appealing email I received from STARBUCKS offered me a free series of samples. I couldn't ignore such an offer. But wait. When I clicked on the GET FREE SAMPLES, a dropdown ad said I should first complete a "brief survey." O.K. fair enough. However, the survey was really a sucker trap to buy unwanted items for my face, hands, eyes, nose, ears, feet, knees, stomach, hair, teeth, gums, hips and ass.
     Well, folks, I wasted at least a half-hour of my precious time marking "no" to all the diseases, irritations and pimples I might have. Then, when I tried to leave the last page of this diatribe, another dropdown ad pleaded with me to stay on and buy something, anything. For emphasis, they darkened my home page so I couldn't see who else was sending me emails.
     Where were the free samples from STARBUCKS? Nowhere, of course. Me big sucker. But no more. From now on I delete everything  being offered me. I don't want samples, I don't want sucker traps and I don't want to be followed or follow any on Twitter. In addition, I am unsubsribing just about every icon that has cluttered my home page and incoming email. So should you.
     This is my brief blog for today. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any longer. NO MORE FREE STUFF will clutter my office!!!

Bank of America is Stank of America

     I've been with Bank of America for over 30 years and I continue to get ripped off.  Funds sent directly to my account from overseas continue to be "held for processing." Why? Well, because the bank invests in the stock market (please come back Bernie Madoff and steal boldly) with depositors' money. It's all quite legal. Hmmmmm. But Insider Trading isn't, except for Members of Congress. So the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
     My latest beef with Bank of America (yes, I'm switching to Chase) concerns an automatic payment of insurance premiums monthly to Liberty Mutual. Since the latter has doubled its premiums over my past four years of loyal service (only one minor fender bender), I've decided to try another insurer (no names please). When I called Bank of America to cease and desist on my monthly payment, the young lady in the Philippines advised me there would be a $30 charge. No way Jose!
     I call it extortion. They call it standard banking procedure. Willie Sutton and Donald Trump would call it HONEST THIEVERY. Hillery Clinton and Bernie Sanders would........never mind. I'm just thinking as I blather on with this blog.
     Meantime, I've just finished reading the rules posted by FedEx to win a ton of money. That took me an hour to discover I had to make a FedEx shipment before entering their wonderful contest. I suspect the odds are 1 in 175,000,000 for winning. That sounds like Powerball or MegaMillions. You don't stand a chance of winning anything. But you will lose your patience and trust in FedEx. No thanks!
    Now I'm beginning to wonder why oh why did I ever leave Ohio. It's so comfortable and quiet back there in the small town I grew up in. One murder in 18 years. A naked woman came floating down our Walhounding River. The sheriff, under great pressure to solve the crime, was quoted in the COSHOCTON DAILY DISAPPOINTMENT as saying, "She ain't from around here because her toenails are painted. Must be a big city gal."
     Thanks for reading. Next blog, I will discuss the night I spent with Frank Sinatra, Jr. What a blast that was!

Be Ready 24/7 With Cialis. Or Else Call Your Doctor.

     Wonder Drug Cialis promises a lot. You can have sex anytime, anywhere, anyhow. If you have an erection more than four hours, call your doctor. Let's try that right now. Just keep reading.
AA: Is the doctor in?
Dr.  No, this is his robot. You can call me Hank. First, the menu. If this is an emergency call 911. If you are an MD dial 1. If you are a RN get back to work. If you have a headache, take an aspirin, go to bed and call me tomorrow. If you wish to make an appointment, dial 2 and keep wishing. You might get lucky. If you are still erect and horny, masturbate. Otherwise, hang up and prepare for side effects. Things like coughing, sneezing, nose bleeds, vomiting, diarrhea and fainting. If the latter, you will eventually wake up. Unless you fall on a pointed object. Then there will be blood on the floor. Get to an ER hospital pronto. Press 3 if you promise not to bother me again. However, if you want to schedule a threesome, press 4. My secretary with the incredible body will offer several available dates, along with the location and time. I'll bring the condoms. You'll pay for dinner. Remember: mums the word.  (MUSIC: 'Flow Gently Sweet Afton") This audio tape will now erase and become blank for the next caller. Wait time is 37 minutes. BTW Don't forget to donate your organs when the Grim Reaper hauls you in. Also, cremation is much, much cheaper than a funeral. Thanks for calling and have a nice day. Or night.  PS Would you like to stay on the line and take a short survey? I guess not.
(MUSIC UP AND FADE OUT)
     In this age of cyber optics and digital electronics we are all subjected to robots replacing people. The former are cheaper to manufacture and maintain. They aren't AWOL because of sickness, periods or vacations. Nor do they have to belong to a union and picket for more perks such as salary increases. And probably best of all, no robot has ever displayed a love of guns and murdered fellow employees when frustrated over his or her sex life. Regardless,  I am ordering more Cialis today!

Is There A Doctor In The House?

      My wife, Jeanne, was in her doctor's office in Westport, CT for her yearly exam. There were four secretaries behind glass windows in the spacious waiting room. That's where I sat waiting during her hour with the doctor. Then, when I blew my nose, my left nostril began to bleed. I went throught an entire box of nearby tissues. There was no stopping the blood flow.
     At least eight people on average were waiting to see other doctors who shared the offices behind closed doors, except for the visible secretaries always on their computers and telephones. Once in a while a doctor, with a stethoscope riding side saddle on his or her shoulder, would appear behind one of the secretaries.
     Although the secretaries, waiting patients and doctors behind the glass wall all saw me bleeding profusely, NOT ONE PERSON SHOWED ANY INTEREST IN MY DILEMMA AND OFFERED ASSISTANCE!
     How often do the television medical ads say CALL YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY?  They all do. Now, in doctors' offices, I'm bleeding and not one of these hypocrits is responding to the sight of a bleeding man. Yes, my nose overflow had spilled on to my jacket and was quite visible to everyone. Nor did those waiting express the slightest degree of compassion, not to mention the four secretaries who had a clear view of me with piles of bloody tissues on the chair next to me.
     After an hour of bleeding, now slowing down gratefully, my wife appeared with a clean bill of health. She has been my unregistered nurse during the months following my operation to replace a faulty heart valve. Jeanne went to the first secretary and ordered her to supply six ice cubes in a wash rag immediately. The middle aged woman responded like a scared rabbit evading an automobile.
     The ice pack on the bridge of my nose, plus additional pressure on the bleeding nostril, finally stopped the bleeding. We sat together for another half-hour to be certain, then quietly departed for the drive home. That hour ride was not welcome because the braking and road curves produced another minor flow of blood. When we reached our house in Southbury, CT there was complete stoppage.
     So, folks, there were doctors in the office. I counted at least six who visited one of the secretaries. None responded. Nor did any waiting patients respond to the national battle cry:  IF YOU SEE SOMETHING. SAY SOMETHING AND DO SOMETHING!
     Perhaps the lack of action on the part of strangers in the waiting room was due to the upscale nature of Westport today; i.e. don't be bothered by anything that doesn't concern you or produce income. That seemed to be the name of the game.

One More Thing.......

     I spent $50 on Connecticut Lottery scratch off tickets. One set of tickets said 20 CHANCES TO WIN!  The other set bolding boasted I had 30 CHANCES TO WIN!  Among those "lucky chances" would be an opportunity to win $5,000 a month FOR LIFE. (EAT YOUR HEART OUT PUBLISHERS CLEARING HOUSE....MORE ON THAT SCAM COMING UP).
     So I had 50 chances to win mucho dollars. You know what? I lost $50. That makes me wonder why the CT Lottery doesn't print 30 CHANCES TO LOSE! Especially on those cards they know are losers. They could at least let me scratch off $5 on a $5 card. Then I would feel better because I did win my money back! And I would invest it in another card. THEY DON'T DO THAT BECAUSE THEY TOO SUFFER FROM CORPORATE GREED!!!   ALL OR NOTHING AT ALL.
     Well, folks, I do enjoy the scratching off procedure. The CT Lottery teases customers with their form of 3-card-monte. Many years ago I saw they three African-American guys flipping those cards before about 10 onlookers throwing their money down on the blanket and throwing it away.
     Every third person would win $20 for their $20 that was bet. Then they would continue to lose until they lost a few hundred. I waited for the third person who would win and jumped in with my $20 bill. I won that amount and walked away. One of the team followed me closely whispering, "hey man, you're a winner. Don't quit now. I can smell you going home with big bucks in your pocket."
     This charade was on busy Fifth Avenue in New York City. I was at the street ready to cross to my office. I didn't respond to the confederate. He continued to whisper nice things in my ear (they have to be careful because the cops would take their money and haul them off to jail). Then he took a chance and held my arm in the middle of the crossing street.
     The light changed and traffic began beeping their horns. I decided to have my heart attack because this linebacker goon was still holding on to my arm. I wasn't supposed to win and walk away from their stupid game. I was supposed to win and surrender my cash. Not me. I clutched my heart and sank to the pavement. He took off like a bird in flight. No way he could deal with a heart patient possibly dying at his feet..
     A man in the lead car got out and helped me to my feet. I feigned injury and thanked him for being compassionate. He got back in his car and traffic flowed again. So did the 3-Card Monte scammers. They left their dirty blanket behind and skipped town, so to speak. My fall, which they witnessed, scared the living shit out of them. It works every time. Try it. You'll have the last laugh, and money too!!!

How Many Times Were You Screwed In 2015?

     For starters, it's always better to give ulcers than to get them. My first screwing was with LIBERTY MUTUAL INSURANCE. They have quietly doubled the rates for insuring our house and automobile over the past three years. Other companies have been bombarding us to switch for a lower rate. But when I gave GEICO that opportunity, they wanted $500 more a year than we were paying!
    So, folks, a little screwing doesn't mean it's the end of the world. After all, banks are still only paying 1% interest on savings, the stock market has been plunging like rats on a sinking ship and Social Security for 2016 remains the same as it was in 2015; no 3% cost of living increase. So we'll eat out three times a month instead of four.
     Before continuing this rant, I was thinking about the ad on TV for renting a NATIONAL car. You can pick out any car and just get in and drive off to your destination. But wait. I recall that after the 9/11 attack on the USA, the jazz duo, Mitchell/Ruff, wanted to rent a NATIONAL car in Chicago and drive it to New York City for their next concent. All air flights were grounded. NATIONAL immediately raised rental rates three times the normal amount. They paid the price.
     The Internet is a mecca for corporate scammers. They open a bank account in Delaware, where the tax bite is low, set up a P.O. Box address in Las Vegas and design a web site that grabs your credit or debit card and every month they deduct a small amount you aren't supposed to be aware of. It's in the small print following an offer to send  you a free sample for just shipping and handling costs.
     I've fallen for that sucker trap. But  not any longer. No matter how enticing the offer is. Nor should you be screwed. Just be firm. Don't be intimidated. If the phone caller wants a donation for the lepers of Basoutoland in South Africa, hang up. If the caller says IRS will take away your house, car and bank account "for what you owe," hang up. It's the latest national scam.
     There are no more free lunches. The year 2016 is going to be a historic mess with all the political ads and conventions to boot. I'll leave you with my photo below. Thanks for reading!