How About A Met-Life Death Insurance Policy?

     According to the television ads by MET-LIFE anyone can buy a DEATH POLICY without having to undergo a medical exam or even reveal you might be totally confined to your bedroom with bone cancer. But there is a catch for this $20,000 bounty when you die. You have to be under the age of 75.
     Who are these acturaries kidding? Go to any doctor's office and you will see patients in their 80's and 90's waiting for appointments. Why should these hardy old-timers be denied DEATH INSURANCE? Yes, let's call it what it is, MET-LIFE, it's DEATH INSURANCE.
     Obviously, the insurance company doesn't want to risk anyone living to 100 with a paid up DEATH INSURANCE POLICY.  The payouts to these feeble people waiting for Heaven would be enormous when they all start falling and suffer broken bones with a cardiac arrest to boot.
     On the other hand, if you are under the age of 75, would like to be cremated and have your ashes scattered on the lawn of a nearby House of Worship, then I would suggest going for the twenty grand policy before you pass the age of 75.  This would avoid enormous funeral expenses that could cost thousands of dollars. And the party afterwards, including musicians and good food, is always a five figure sum.
     So why not plan to die cheap? I have made my plans. No fuss, no heroic efforts to save my life, no public funeral. Just call a taxi, give the driver $500 and a shovel, a small metal container with my ashes, along with the modest wooden headstone that reads "I HAD FUN," and tell him to drive to a wooded area nearby.
     This way, friends, relatives and fans can visit that site (a $10 fee will send them a map) and they can cry their eyes out, curse me out or say prayers. I just won't care anymore.

What Are Your Chances of Winning the Connecticut Lottery? Probably None!

     The odds against winning a scratch-off card $3,000,000 bonanza are too great to contemplate. There are hundreds of outlets selling scratch-off cards and millions of wrong numbers that don't match the tantalizing lottery ads on television. So why buy a card? Because we are all dreamers! And the super rich Connecticut Lottery controls the printing of scratch-off cards.
     Each card proclaims "15 chances to win" or "30 chances to win" and never ever do you read "15 chances to lose" or "30 chances to lose." Something like the wallet left on the sidewalk packed with newspaper strips, and a barely visible string to pull it away from the sucker trying to grab the money.
     I've been purchasing scratch-off cards for the past twenty years. I've won $100 a few times on a $5 card and invested in the Connecticut Lottery coffers. The profits are supposed to provide additional money for the state's educational institutions. Nevertheless,  school custodians make more than teachers. Nor has anyone viewed a Connecticut Lottery financial statement. Hmmmmmm.
     So forget your dreams for quick riches from scratch-off cards. Just play their game as I do and enjoy the scratching. You might get lucky. Probably not. It's still fun to try, and that's what I'm doing!

Does Liberty Mutual Save You Money? Hell No!!!

     We have had auto and home insurance for the past three years with Liberty Mutual. At the beginning the monthly cost for both policies was $75. Then that total has risen surreptitiously to $145 a month! So we haven't saved. We've been bilked!
     At first, regular calls to the Liberty Mutual agent were never returned. Then a few postcards to the President of the Company brought a response. It was mostly double talk to explain the company's overhead in applying new charges. And, guess what? That information was in the contract's small print that took a magnifying glass to read, and still not understand.
     Meantime, we're paying the piper, albeit there are a dozen insurance companies waiting in the wings to service us. But, unfortunately, queries and requests for a quote result in the same, if not higher, than we are presently paying. So we're stuck with being stiffed by a "reputable" insurance that advertises extensively to save customers money.
     Perhaps that is why so many millions are climbing aboard Donald Trump's bandwagon to "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! But we're not climbing aboard that "fast boat" because he still owes me $900 from a default judgment I obtained in Small Claims Court in 1998. The "Donald" laughs all the way to his banks at such a debt. And he has gone to court to re-open my judgment that is good for twenty years.
     So I have three more years of life in my judgment and I plan to visit Atlantic City, NJ, pay the sheriff $50 and hold an auction for his Taj Mahal Hotel and Casino. I'll keep the first $900 and give him the next 55 million. Just stay tuned to QUESTIONBLE COMMENTARIES for a final solution.

Donald Trump for President; Dennis Rodman for Vice-President; Sara Palin for Secretary of State.

     Now that's a slate worth watching as the 2016 campaigns accelerate their rheteric on treadmills to oblivion and "Putney Swope" rears its satirical legacy. (Where are Robert Downey,Sr. and Michael Moore when we need them?)
     Donald Trump's balls are as big as ballast balloons.  He wears them on his chest. Dennis Rodman is a loose cannon who can also charm snakes. Sara Palin, as Secretary of State, would prove truly magical as she breast feeds another baby, holds court with her staff and watches Russia through a telescope on her Alaska property. So, folks, watch this team MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
     Once Trump wins the Presidencial election in 2016 he will behave like a combination of Atila the Hun, Franklin D. Roosevelt and Jimmy Stewart. There will be invasions, fueled by a one year mandatory draft of all eligible men and women between the ages of 18 and 36. They will be trained and then sent on their way to serve or suffer a dishonorable discharge. So it's do or die for millions of young people.
     During this year of 2015 we are all living in real time history. Unbelievable? Absolutely! But there is excitement, humor and disbelief in the air. Otherwise we would be experiencing a lackluster barrage of political verbage that bores everyone to death.
     Personally, I'm pleased to see Donald Trump running for office. Granted, he didn't work his way up through the political system. So what? He has his own money to spend, his red, white and blue airplane and a beautiful family. Let's all stay tuned and enjoy the antics of these three baffoons!

Why Does Jerry Seinfeld Have Horse Teeth?

     I've often wondered why Jerry Seinfeld has kept his horse teeth. They often distract from his otherwise wonderful monologues on talk shows. He can certainly afford to have his teeth fixed to look better. Ditto for country singer Jewel who has maintained those jagged teeth of hers throughout a long career of hit recordings.  I wonder how many men she has soul kissed who had to get lip stitches at a hospital emergency room?  Doesn't seem to matter. Fans still love her for who she is.
     I already wrote a blog about David Letterman's space teeth. He finally got that "hole in the wall" covered, and looked better for the improvement. But his personality remained the same. Don't ask. Just read my blog about that venerable clown in sheep's clothing.
     Another spaced out person is Michael Strahan, former New York Giant's linebacker, now hosting the Morning Show on NBC-TV with two middle-aged ladies. Strahan has a very large space between his upper two front teeth. Very distracting and I suspect makes it difficult for him to enunciate words. I was going to send him a dollar to start a fund called, LET'S FILL MICHAEL'S SPACE! But he would probably just spend the money raised.
     Remember the southern redneck who won Powerball's jackpot? I think it was around 450 millionj. He took the cash, bought a lot of stuff, left $400,000 in his pickup truck that was stolen and never, ever repaired his teeth. They always looked rotten from smoking cigars and chewing tobacco. He eventually gave most of his winnings away. Then went broke. Nor did he ever have dentures. Too bad.
     But let's get back to Jerry Seinfeld's horse teeth. If he ever calls me to have coffee in one of his antique cars and tell some funny stories, I 'll return his envelope filled with cash with a reminder, "Jerry, here's some money to fix your horse teeth. It's my gift to you."

WE THE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THE DOGS!

                      

     With over thirty million people unemployed in America, and no positive sign that the recession (depression?) will end soon, we are obviously “going to the dogs!” Therefore, WE THE PEOPLE intends to honor our millions of four-legged friends with a dramatic CANINE CONCERT on the Washington Mall during the summer of 2016.

     This musical extravaganza will feature a concert by professional musicians playing on a very high frequency that only dogs can hear. Of course their human handlers are welcome to attend, providing they promise to behave. A web site will be available the first of the new year for dog owners to sign up with their pet’s name, breed and age. There will be a limit of four dogs for each owner who plans to attend this historic CANINE CONCERT on the date to be announced.

     WE THE PEOPLE anticipate a million mutts and 500,000 handlers attending. There will be a live one hour telecast and internet streaming worldwide. It will definitely be a dog day to be remembered! And “man’s best friend,” dogs of all breeds and sizes, will have an opportunity to express their feelings about America in our nation’s Capitol. 

     According to the late psychiatrist, Dr. Joyce Brothers, "dog owners are anthropomorphic, that is, they see their pets as human beings by loving them, feeding them, walking them and sleeping with them.  The animals reciprocate by displaying unbridled affection. Their friendship is eternal."

    Therefore, WE THE PEOPLE will demonstrate our commitment to all dogs that we love them and will always treat them kindly.

                                                

WELCOME TO MENU'S, ROBOTS AND SPANISH!

     Cyberspace and the Internet (thanks to Al Gore?) are mostly wonderful. In mini-seconds an ingoramus can cough up a million answers to any question imaginable. For example, "What are Andy Warhol's measurements? or "Name the brand of Cuban cigar that John F. Kennedy smoked."
Y'all know what I'm talking about! Quite frankly, we're all stupid when it comes to computers. That is, when they haven't crashed or freeze on a page.
     Then there are the menu's we all have to endure. They have caused me to bite my nails and scratch my behind again. (Don't laugh. Nadel lost at Wimbledon to a lowly rated wannabe, whom I won't dignify by mentioning his name, and he was always scratching his butt between serves). The proliferation of options on a menu can drive any sane person to Prozac or other addictive drugs.
     How about all those robots talking to you? Don't interrupt or you'll be chastised and disconnected; or worse, transferred to another menu! This endless destruction of our psyches has got to end somehow. Just blame your modem and keep going. You'll succeed eventually, with a liberal amount of profanity upstaging the music you have playing to soothe your indignation.
     If you don't speak English, you certainly understand Spanish. The latter is an option on just about every menu on the computer. I grew up speaking English, along with typing that uses hyphens, dashes, quotation marks and paragrahs indented . My tenure in cyberspace is at peril. Big Brother is watching me and I expect to be tied up and tortured in the future. So be it.
     If a robot suggests Spanish as an option, where are Dutch, German, French, Farsi, Italian and a dozen other languages?  The Mensa Midgets who scanned the millions of pages and inserted them into computers laid a big egg by ignoring other languages. Shame on them!
     Nevertheless, I am pleased to feel comfortable with my iMac for word processing (a/k/a typing) and to send Emails at no cost. My support of the US Post Office has been diminished 99$%. Boo-hoo. Let them keep raising the cost of stamps by half-a-cent for more confusion. Hardly anyone knows how to add or substract numbers anyhow. But I can!
     So, on these sour notes I leave you for reading the NEW YORK TIMES. Not on Kindle, but in old-fashioned news print. I still can't give up turning those large pages and then putting them aside to wrap garbage for the big round can outside our garage door. What fun! And more rants later.